Category Archives: Weekly Mixtape.

“And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God. And I’d get Him to swap our places….”

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As you know, I’m not exactly articulate or clever with my words. I don’t try to be, I wouldn’t know how. I know that my biggest problem is that I write from the heart and possibly with too much feeling. I guess it’s because the music I love is like that. If I don’t write this way, then there’s really no point. I suppose that is why I know I will never ever be paid to do this for a living. That being a Music Writer is just some childhood dream that has followed me into adulthood- but it just stays a dream. I’m just another twerp with a Journalism degree who’s trying to be heard (I don’t want to be seen.) But anyway, that isn’t about that right now. This is going to be another post with a lot of feeling. I have no idea why I’m even doing this. Maybe it’s beause I have a awful cold, and I’ve had too much cough medicine. You don’t have to read this. And why should you anyway.

I have no idea how to approach this at all. I never do. You see, I can pour everything I feel about a song or band so easily here. It seems to be the easiest thing in the world. Ask me to tell you how I feel about certain people or whatever- I seem to lose words and the ability to function. I guess it’s why I’m always writing something. Whether it be here, in my poetry notebook or my lyric notebook. I’m always writing something, about something- or someone. I’m not an emotionally challenged person. I just lose the ability to make sense a lot of the time. Nor do I need to be drunk to tell you that I love you, or to ask you for 10p. I’ll start this for real now.

Something happened very close to a year ago. Something which every single person on this planet fears. I’ve never spoken about in great detail with anyone. I didn’t see the need. I didn’t see why I should or why anyone would give a shit. I spoke about it with one friend. In fact, we both cried about it. This is why she’s my best friend and rock. She’s one of the very very few people who changed me for the better. She won’t see this, so there’s no point in me praising her too much 😉 Last year my mother flew over to England to tell me she had Breast Cancer. My reaction was typical. I cried like a fucking baby and clung onto her like an ape. I think my heart and world stopped. I wanted to swear, but I respect my mother too much to use the word FUCK in front of her. Buggery and twat is fine though. It was something I never ever imagined I would hear. It wasn’t something I ever thought about. How I felt from that moment from then on is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone- even someone I disliked. People say having your heartbroken by a lover is awful. Whatever. That’s nothing. This feeling is a trillion times worse. It makes the romantic kind of heartbreak seem like nothing. However, we’re all different and deal with life’s obstacles in different ways. If you’re anything like me, you do the whole “if I ignore it, it’ll go away but I know it will creep up and bite me in the arse.” Oh, and it did. It did.

I’m not writing this for anyone to think or feel, “You poor thing.” No. I’m doing this because I want to show how music, how a song can pull you through anything. Even something as horrific as this. My mum is one of the lucky ones. She is still here. However, when she tells me she’s in pain or doesn’t feel well- I panic so much internally. All I can do is offer a hug or a cup of tea. I know, I’m useless. When she was undergoing Radiotherapy she still managed to look amazing. I think she’s one of these people who cannot leave the house without make-up. She had her treatment in Sheffield, so I’d go up and see her a few times a week. She didn’t want me to go to the place where she was being treated, which I fully understood. Instead we’d wander around York, Manchester and Sheffield. I’d be lugged around clothes shops and in return, I’d make her go to record shops with me.

My mum is the most strongest and loving human beings I know. I saw how strong she was through all of this, and it just inspired me in ways that I didn’t know how. I never really sat down and spoke about this with her. I didn’t see how me talking about how I felt about her being ill would help. It wouldn’t rid her of cancer. It wouldn’t make this less real. My way was to just act like normal. In front of my friends, I would remain the joker doing my best to make them laugh- doing my best to make sure nobody ever caught onto how awful I felt. For a month or so, I just cried myself to sleep. There were times when leaving the house was seen as the most impossible thing ever. I just wanted to sleep, and when I woke up- I wanted none of this to have ever happened. I always thought, “Fucks sake Olivia. You have NO right to feel so bad. You’re not the one with cancer.” I told myself this all the time until I snapped out of it. I guess I had to trick myself into living again so I wouldn’t be a mess. Thing is, to everyone and anyone- I was totally fine. I was strong and together. I was told a few times that it was okay to break or whatever. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t physically go to a friend and just have an outburst. When my mum told me she was sick, I left her for an hour and I went to my best friend’s house. I sat on her bed. And just bawled. She did too. That was the first and last time I did that. I hate crying. It gives me a migraine.

I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me, or for anyone to praise me or anything. I’m doing this for one reason. I’m writing this to make someone else see that…it’s fucking okay to be a mess you know? Just because you reach rock bottom doesn’t mean you cannot get up again. Use Music as your fucking crutch. I did. Certain songs (which I will link you to in a bit) pulled me through. When I couldn’t sleep or when I didn’t feel too great- these songs gave me something. I’m not exactly the poster-child for bravery. I think the cowardly lion is possibly my spirit animal sometimes. I think I’ve got better. Who knows.

You’ve got to put your faith in something or someone. A place, a person or a sound. Just something. Give yourself to something. I don’t like bothering anyone with anything that gets to me. I’m more likely to just play a song I love to find comfort and answers. And so, that is exactly what I did. The songs I’m going to link you to ALL played an important role in making sure I didn’t become a selfish wanker wallowing in self pity. These songs stopped me from going under and into something shit.

My mum’s okay now. Well, mentally- she will always be tapped in the head. I think that’s genetic. I’ve got no fucking chance of being normal. Not that I’d ever want to be 😉 I remember when she was undergoing treatment she kept saying to me, “I don’t care if I’m on a fucking drip-we ARE going to see Morrissey.” And we did. Twice. I refuse to ever EVER go watch Morrissey live with anyone but my mum. I don’t care who you are- I can only go with her. When we saw him in York we stood for an hour at the end of the gig waiting for him to come out. He came out. As he got into his car, waved and nodded at us. For me, that was perfect. We’ve seen Morrissey 4 times, each time it just makes me feel so alive. However seeing him twice last year meant so much more, for the obvious reasons. It was just perfect.

I think I’ve written far too much. I’ll probably delete this because, when I re-read this I will see how much of an idiot I am. I’m sorry. If you’ve read this- thank you, and I’m sorry you put yourself through this. Anyway, go listen to these songs. They sum up what I’ve been trying to say better than I ever could, especially Kate Bush and Brand New. Running Up That Hill..the chorus just sums up everything I felt and feel. I would give anything to have swapped with my mum so she didn’t have to go through any of this :

“You can keep it pure on the inside. And you know what you believe to be right.”

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Have you ever been made to feel so small and worthless due to a comment someone made? Maybe they called you “fat.” Or maybe they called you “stupid.” Or they insulted you because of the colour of your skin or religion. You feel ashamed of who you are don’t you? You want to fight back, but that bit of fight you have in you just goes. It fails you because you have no idea what just happened.

Yesterday afternoon, I was waiting in line with my mum. In front of us were two young lads. Probably a few years younger than me, I’m 25 so they weren’t that young I suppose. Anyway, they weren’t exactly using the most eloquent language. I think they were probably part of that disgusting generation who think it is okay to use the word “gay” to describe something awful. So they were talking, and one of them looked at me. He then turned to his friend and said, “I fucking hate gay people. They’re all disgusting.” I didn’t say a word. I just felt any ounce of pride I had of being gay just die. It totally died. My mum’s face was filled with rage. I had to stop her from saying something, because if she started- she wouldn’t stop. Sometimes, I think she is more proud of me being gay than I am. I guess right now that isn’t hard. Thing is, I have walked around cities in England with friends (that are gay) and never once have any of us had shit said to us. Cities tend to be more open minded. Nobody really pays any attention to you. I currently (and hatefully) live on the Isle of Man- if anyone wants to take me away from here, please do. I’ll be forever in debt to you- I’ll pay you back with hugs, cups of tea and my friendship for as long as you want. I’ve been back here since the end of November. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable walking down the street- day or night. Headphones in, look at the ground as I walk. I’m 25 years old- I shouldn’t have to go back to hating who I am again.

So, what has this got to do with music? Well, I’m going to give you some songs that since yesterday have made me feel less shit about this. It hurts, of course it does. I wish I could shrug it off, like I usually do. You see, I can handle being called ugly or whatever- I won’t ever argue with that. But to call someone disgusting just because they happen to like people of the same sex in a romantic way? FUCK YOU. Seriously. What’s disgusting is your small minded minds. What’s disgusting is how you judge people. Never ever judge a person, ever. You do not know what they are going through. If that person is a “twat” maybe they have a reason for being like that. But seriously, to hate someone based on colour, religion, sexuality- ANYTHING. It is just vile.

I once thought Society was moving forward, but it is apparent that it is going backwards. It is going backwards quicker than anyone of us could imagine. There is no sense of unity and help anymore. More and more young people are taking their lives because they cannot deal with being gay or they bullied for being gay. I didn’t come out whilst at school because I know my life at school would’ve been worse than it was with bullying. I would’ve ended up being another statistic. We need to protect and provide comfort for those that are struggling. Being gay is NOT a bad thing. Do NOT disown your kids for being gay, do NOT taunt a kid because they are gay, and STOP making it okay to use the word gay to describe things that are bad. There are other words that you could use, by using the word gay- it just shows how uneducated and small minded you are. It has to end.

Living day to day is a challenge for most of us, we don’t need to be made to feel so worthless and ashamed for who we are by people who are evidently projecting. You cannot catch homosexuality. Stop being afraid. People are people. Be kind, and be gentle. We all go on about accepting ourselves and one another- but how can we when in the same breath, others are being out down by being true to who they are?

My mum told me, after I came out to her : “Always be true to yourself, and always be happy. Do not live a lie, because if you do that- then you’re not living.”

I don’t care if you are gay,straight, black,purple, orange, yellow, green, Muslism, Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Sikh, Hindu- whatever. I do not care. If you’re a good person and true to yourself- then that is all that matters.

So, these are songs by artists that just mean a lot. Especially right now.

Finally, to quote Shirley Manson :

“I would say I’m pretty well at ease with my sexuality, but I’m an individual before I am a female.”

“Be kind, man – don’t be mankind.”

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It’s been just over a year since one of my musical heroes died. Don Van Vliet aka Captain Beefheart was one of the few artists that from first listen, just captured me entirely. His lyrics don’t “describe my life.” His music just sends you off into a wonderful and lucid world. A perfect sense of escaping and finding something better. He merged so many genres of music together, and just made his own. His voice will always be one of the most distinctive voices in music. There will never be anyone quite as magnetising and inspiring as Don- it just wouldn’t seem right if anyone tried to even attempt to be like him. If you don’t have any of his records in your collection, you are depriving yourself of some of the most pure, brutual and honest masterpieces you will ever hear. Safe As Milk is my favourite record by Captain Beefheart, I also regard it as one of the greatest albums and debut albums of all time. You just knew that, if he could make something like this as his first record, then you knew he would be regarded as one of the greats.

I cannot remember the first time I heard Don’s music, but I do know I was listening to a John Peel show- when I probably should’ve been asleep so I could be functioning for school the following morning. Thing is, John Peel taught me more than any teacher ever could. I have no doubt in my mind that John Peel and Don are hanging out in that place we go to when our hearts stop beating. I have no idea where that place is; or what that place is- but it has to exist.

So this week, this mixtape is a tribute to Captain Beefheart. A selection of my favourite tracks by one of my absolute heroes and inspiration.

“I’m dealing in rock’n’roll. I’m, like, I’m not a bona fide human being.”

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It is obvious that Phil Spector is THE greatest record producer of all time. Wall Of Sound has influenced, and still does influenced so many. The way the drums are produced to echo so loudly and so grand is just beautiful. He has produced some of the best records of all time. Anyone who can start a movement in music like that is a genius. Aside from Punk, girl groups from the 1960s well and truly own my heart. I love the production in everything. How the vocals sound so perfect and clear.

I know that Mr.Spector isn’t exactly the posterchild for clean living- but his personal life has nothing to do with you or I. He has produced so many records from the likes of The Ronnettes to the Ramones. His songs are still being covered to this very day. What he created also influenced one of the greatest records of all time; Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. I don’t go out of my way to purposely find new muisc. A lot of the time, I listen to stuff that was made decades before I was born. It’s frustrating because nothing will ever be as amazing as that again. Music now will never have that power. It’s a shame, and it always makes me believe I was born in the wrong era. Imagine hearing songs by The Crystals or The Girlfriends for the very first time- as it was happening.

So, this week’s mix is going to be my favourite tracks that Phil Spector produced. Songs that still cover me in goose bumps when I listen them now. Songs that I will search for eternity to find on vinyl because I know they will sound so much better; and will have that vulnerable feel to it that sounds so much more intense and painful accompanied with the crackling background noise.

These are the songs that define Phil Spector’s career and the era of the Wall Of Sound. Enjoy :

“I know it is wrong, but we just don’t belong.”

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Have you ever felt, although you are surrounded by people you know- and these people may or may not care about you, that you just do not belong? Do you have a place you feel happy and secure with calling “home”? Do you ever look at Society and just think you were born in the wrong era?  That your emotional attachment to it all is slowly fading. If so, I understand fully how you feel.

I’ve wandered through life not feeling part of anything. I’ve never made it my goal to make a difference in a person’s life- mainly because I know I never have, and I probably never will. I don’t mean it in a self-hating kind of way- far from it. You can feel you don’t belong but still maintain an ounce of self-worth. I feel like that most days. Anyway, I don’t need to go in depth with all of this. These are the songs that have stopped me from feeling like I have to be part of something, that I have to belong. We don’t have to. Create your own world.

“I wish that I was born a thousand years ago,I wish that I’d sail the darkened seas.”

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My days are currently spent working, reading X-Men and listening to more music than my ears can handle. Reading X-Men and Ted Hughes poetry makes me create my own little world. It’s always been this way, it always will be this way. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest- I’m content with being boring. Yesterday I found a market that sells records. Records are my weakness (as are other things but you don’t need to know.) I spent quite a bit, but the woman knocked off some money because I picked up a lot. I found two of my favourite songs of all time on vinyl: Black-It’s A Wonderful Life and The Jesus And Mary Chain-Some Candy. I had to be dragged away by my friend because I found a comics section too. I’ll return soon enough and spend more money that I don’t really have.

I should’ve done this last Wednesday but I was busy. By busy, I mean I was tired after work. So I’m doing it now. This mixtape is going to focus on some dark, heavy songs I have heard that mean the world to me. I love songs that make it painful for you to listen to because they go right through you with how dark, brutal and honest they are. Songs that make you feel less alone, but probably make someone else feel uncomfortable. That’s what music should do. It should challenge your feelings and scare you shitless. Enough ranting, have some songs:

 

Leaving is good for the soul.

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Sometimes you get stuck in a place that you think you cannot get out of. Whether it is a state of mind or an actual place, sometimes it has this disgusting grip on you- and you just cannot escape. I guess that’s why music is one of the best ways to express how one feels. It says the things you cannot say. It says the things you wish you could say. The lyrics, the note changes, every major and minor detail in a piece of music can just sum up any and every feeling you carry around with you on a daily basis.

I live in a place I really cannot stand. I’ve got the guts to leave. I’m leaving on Friday. I’ve been trying to do it for some time now, but now I have a reason. Things did improve in September, but I guess….you just have to do what works for you and what makes you happy. You see, I’m moving back to my mum’s. For a while I was reluctant to do it because I thought I’d be a failure. I’m not. I’m doing something for ME. Something I rarely do. I spent too long thinking about others and what they wanted, I forgot about myself. So, I’m moving home for a bit. Save money from my job and after that, I have no idea. I don’t know where I will go. I’ve got some ideas- but I don’t know. I don’t like planning things. So, with this week’s mix I’m putting songs that can help you escape the dullness and chore of everyday life. Songs to lose yourself in and make you realise what you want- and how you are going to get it.

Don’t ever think you are not worthy of putting yourself first, because you are. You are worth more than you know. It’s totally okay to be happy and to be yourself first. I guess hitting 25 the other week has had a positive impact. Grow up and get out.

The art of growing up….is a pain.

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In 9 days I’m moving back home. I call it home, although it never feels like it. I’ve never felt at home anywhere. I hope that when I leave there after a month or so, I can find a place called home and stop feeling on edge or whatever. I was alright with leaving here, until this evening. I know some truly beautiful and wonderful people. I’ve had a bit of a cry, I suppose I’ll blame the wine for that. Or the fact that I am way too sensitive and sentimental for my own good. Orignally I wanted to make this mixtape post about the songs that helped me grow up and saved my life. I’ve decided to change it, and just put a bunch of songs that remind me of certain people and certain events that have happened. I guess you can call it a thank you or whatever for the people I care about more than I probably show. I’m utterly toss with saying how I feel, so I guess using a song is the best way to do it. Besides, like most I fear rejection so this is my best bet.

I like to think that certain songs are obvious as to who and what they are about. I don’t want to explain because it will take away the meaning and I suppose the sentimental value. This year has been a bit shit, but it’s also been alright. Certain people have made it easier. Again, they should know who they are.

I could honestly ramble on, but I’d just bore you to death.

 

“This is the first song for your mixtape….”

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If I can stick with writing about every album by The Cure, then I think I can stick with this silly idea I had at 4am this morning.

However, I’ll probably realise it is beyond stupid and delete it.

No explanations needed for the songs. Basically every week (providing I don’t forget) I’ll link some tracks that I’ve constantly got on repeat and annoying my neighbours with. So…enjoy I guess?!