“A hostage to kindness and the wheels underneath her.”

I was thinking about something earlier as I was leaving the house to go the gym. My days off are spent there in the hopes I can somehow change how I look and stop disliking myself as much as I do. Self-hate doesn’t leave you, does it? Or maybe it does. Maybe I am set to loath myself in my 20’s so I can learn to like myself from 30 onwards. I’ve got 4 years left of this, maybe I’ll go against this theory. Or maybe I’ll give in to it. It depends. I use my stubborn ways for the wrong thing. Always bad, never good.

So this thing about self-hate. I dislike it when people say things such as “I AM SO VILE. I AM SO FAT.” when they weigh next to nothing. The worst kind put this on certain websites. No one really cares about how much you hate yourself. You see, I dislike myself but I’m not going to announce it everywhere for attention. In a way, I’ve just “announced” it but no one I know or whatever reads this so it doesn’t matter. I’m not doing this for pity or for anyone to say “You’ve got a good face. You’re okay as you are.” I don’t want that. I don’t want any form of attention. Good or bad. If I get a hair cut, please don’t notice. Just don’t pick up on it. Go look at something else. Like a painting; that’s much more interesting.

I don’t dislike myself because I’m a miserable twat. I just do. There’s no explanation to it; but I constantly work on trying not to. I don’t dislike myself as much as I did when I was a teenager or going back a few years. You have to take baby steps with things like that. I don’t go to the gym because I want the body of a stick insect. Far from it. I have in my head, a goal. I’ve not told anyone nor will I ever. I know a person’s weight or appearance doesn’t define them, but we live in a judgemental world sadly. I get constantly told to stop wearing black all the time. Am I going to? Am I fuck. I’d go out in my superhero pjs if I could (one of the many brilliant presents my girlfriend got me for my birthday.) but they’re a bit long and I’d trip up.

I thought that, the older I get; the less dislike I’d have for myself. To an extent I’m right. I doubt myself a lot, especially with writing. I don’t do it because I want someone to say I’m any good. I do it because if I thought I was good, I’d stop. Self-doubt isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is the one thing that can make you carry on. It lasts longer than hope. I’ve never been good at much, and I don’t mean it in a bad way. Some part of me just doesn’t settle. Or maybe doesn’t want to. The thought of being in one place for the rest of my life makes me feel sick. Maybe this is because I’ve never really felt at home anywhere. Maybe I should work on that, or maybe it’s okay to carry on drifting through. I’m alright with being unnoticed. I don’t think my purpose in life is to be noticed. Why would I want that.

I think a lot of people think they’re not good enough, but surely if you surround yourself with people who make you feel inadequate then you are hanging around the wrong kind of people? I could be wrong. I could be right.

You’ll make friends and enemies on the way. You’ll have good days, you’ll have bad days. You’ll like yourself, you’ll dislike yourself. But NEVER any account must you let someone make you feel shit about yourself, ever. You can do that all by yourself, but it’s easier to understand and control. You don’t always have to walk with your head held high, sometimes the cracks in the pavement are much more interesting than your surroundings. You don’t stop learning. Time is a drag, and it seems like it is never on our side. Someone will love you even if you cannot stand yourself. You may not be able to understand how or why; but they do. It is there. They are there.

“It’s not worth saving, when you say wait.”

Longing VS wanting. Innocence VS not really knowing. Caring VS not caring. Life VS death. Love VS stupidty. In the long run, it is probably all the same thing. You wish to burn out what you see in your mind. You wish you could see certain things forever. You wish you did one thing differently, at one point. You wish you were more eloquent with your words. You wish you wrote THAT song so you could play them it; so they get it. Will they ever get it? Does anyone ever really understand? Are we just killing time by explaining. These are the thoughts I am not paid to write down. I’ve never been paid for this. I don’t expect to. They want you to be like them. Dress like that, talk like this. Walk as if you don’t care, behave like an obnoxious fool. Keep me indoors please.

You slip away from reality sometimes. You lose tough. With yourself and others. Maybe you only talk to 2 or 3 people everyday. But they are the ones that you love so much. Maybe one of them you love more than most, because this person owns your heart. This person is on your mind, constantly. Or maybe it just isn’t like that. Maybe you have no idea. Sometimes you think you cannot get lower or higher than your current state. I don’t think this makes sense, because I don’t want it to.

As you get older you learn to cast away your wants, your needs and your desires. You learn that none of it matters. You see everything around you become so typical and bland. You notice you have no plans. You don’t want what they want. You don’t want a 9-5 lifestyle where you do the same thing every day. You still want freedom burning inside of you. The only burning they have is heart-burn. They are typical, and you cannot relate. You know of no one else who feels the same. You think you are wrong, for about 5 minutes. Then you realise that being different is not a bad thing. It is never a bad thing. They may mock your thoughts and how you view the world. But it gets you through.

Trust your heart- not theirs. If you must, spit blood upon those who tell you that you are wrong.

Nothing and no one is worth the torment.

It’s like I am teaching myself all the things I wish I knew sooner. But I just can’t listen to myself.

Leaving is good for the soul.

Sometimes you get stuck in a place that you think you cannot get out of. Whether it is a state of mind or an actual place, sometimes it has this disgusting grip on you- and you just cannot escape. I guess that’s why music is one of the best ways to express how one feels. It says the things you cannot say. It says the things you wish you could say. The lyrics, the note changes, every major and minor detail in a piece of music can just sum up any and every feeling you carry around with you on a daily basis.

I live in a place I really cannot stand. I’ve got the guts to leave. I’m leaving on Friday. I’ve been trying to do it for some time now, but now I have a reason. Things did improve in September, but I guess….you just have to do what works for you and what makes you happy. You see, I’m moving back to my mum’s. For a while I was reluctant to do it because I thought I’d be a failure. I’m not. I’m doing something for ME. Something I rarely do. I spent too long thinking about others and what they wanted, I forgot about myself. So, I’m moving home for a bit. Save money from my job and after that, I have no idea. I don’t know where I will go. I’ve got some ideas- but I don’t know. I don’t like planning things. So, with this week’s mix I’m putting songs that can help you escape the dullness and chore of everyday life. Songs to lose yourself in and make you realise what you want- and how you are going to get it.

Don’t ever think you are not worthy of putting yourself first, because you are. You are worth more than you know. It’s totally okay to be happy and to be yourself first. I guess hitting 25 the other week has had a positive impact. Grow up and get out.

Dev Hynes- Musical Genius.

In 2005 I was in love with a band called Test Icicles.

As with most bands I love, they split up. I hated life for a bit. I hated life until I heard Dev Hynes’ solo material under the name Lightspeed Champion. I heard Galaxy Of The Lost and I was just blown away. Lines such as “I feel better now I’ve seen you but deep inside my bones feel like timber” and “Hate to think what would happen if I, started to drink like you. Maybe I, would loosen up.” I just loved the sheer vulnerability in the song. Falling Off The Lavender Bridge is such a phenomenal debut album. The fragility and frustration in the songs just stole my heart. Songs such as No Surprise, Let The Bitches Die and Dry Lips- especially Dry Lips mean so much to me. “Tell her, I give up. He’s won, I have lost all my humanity.” That specific line still holds as much meaning to me now as it did when I first heard it.

Next came the artist’s dreaded second album. Life Is Sweet! Nice To Meet You. I feel did not get the recognition and respect that Dev deserved. Musically he is a bloody genius. He slays the guitar. I’ve seen him live twice, and each time I was just left stood in awe. I remember walking right into him in Birmingham. I was just walking through the street and I walked right into him. As I wasn’t paying attention, it didn’t register it was Dev until I looked back and saw the hat he was wearing.

Last week Dev released a new album under the name Blood Orange. Is it better than Lightspeed Champion? Well, you cannot compare the two. It’s like comparing a shoe to water- you just can’t do it. I adore both projects. The album, Coastal Grooves just feels to me like 80s New York. No idea if that’s the vibe Dev was going with, but he is now based in New York. He left Dalston a few years ago, and went to New York. Smart move I say, going by the sounds of Blood Orange.

There is no doubt in my mind that Dev is a musical genius. It’s just utter genius his work. Every single song he has created is a masterpiece. He’s gone from singing songs in his flat in Dalston with Florence Welch (before she was signed) covering Green Day songs to producing tracks for Solange Knowles and hanging out with Jay-Z. Dev is well and truly living the dream ladies and gentlemen. He’s also worked with one of my favourite rappers, Theophilus London.

What I love about Dev is that, I feel he is unaware of what he means to so many. He is unaware that his music, as it evokes so much vulnerability and emotions- it becomes a crutch for some. It’s an inspiration. It makes you want to pick up a pen and paper, and just write down how you feel without feeling like a massive wuss. I love that his words are to the point, take Stay The Fuck Away From Me, “I’ve realised once more, that everyone’s a whore.” Deny it all you want, but we’ve all felt this way about someone. “I don’t mean to be blunt, but why don’t you fuck off.” Straight to the point, no need for metaphors and similes here- Dev just gets right to it.

I’ve always loved his covers too. Xanadu, Flesh Failures, Souvenirs, Heart In A Cage, Buddy Holly, Back To Black- they’re all just so bloody good.

I love that with Coastal Grooves, Dev doesn’t want to hear about any reviews of his work. To me, I feel this is pretty cool. Mainly because artists do not need to be told that what they have created is good or bad. I know I review albums and the like, but not once have I ever thought my opinion is worth listening to. Far from it. Why does Dev need to be aware of what’s been written about him? I listen to his work and think, he’d be a pretty cool person to sit down and watch basketball with. His down to earth lyrics make him easy to relate to. It makes it easy for you to allow yourself feel the way he does with his lyrics.

He’s just so wonderfully talented. I love that he doesn’t do just one kind of genre. There are so many influences in his music floating around. Whether it’s for himself or others- you can sense them all.

I do question why he isn’t as big as he deserves to be, but all that matters is that he is still putting out music. He is putting out music that is worth caring about and getting excited over.

I hope he brings Blood Orange to the UK. I don’t care if he comes back to the UK and just sings the phonebook, it’d still be brilliant. I just love his music and his voice. Every so often you find an artist that you just immediately connect with and you want to hear everything and anything they have done. My love for his music started in 2005. 6 years on, I doubt it will ever go away.

If you cannot hear the genius in his music, then you’re missing the point.

My Albums Of 2010.

Attempting to put this down to 10 is going to be frustrating, and I will want to constantly change my mind. THIS IS IN NO ORDER. Apart from the last album I mention, that’s my favourite of the year.

Marina And The Diamonds- The Family Jewels.- This album means the world to me. Especially the song, Guilty which I was lucky enough to tell her this on the 31st October. Marina is amazing live. How she is with her fans is just lovely. She spent about 45 minutes with us. Just a lovely person. I don’t think this album got the recognition it fully deserved.  I remember first hearing about her well over a year and a half ago and just being in awe of her. Favourite track : Guilty.

Ellie Goulding- Lights/Bright Lights- I’ve mentioned Lights and Bright Lights because the extra tracks on Bright Lights are brilliant. She has to release Animal. The drum breakdown is mental. I love the production on this. Her and Starsmith are incredible. Her live shows are insane. I saw her play Academy 3 then 2 then 1 in Manchester…watching her gorw- you can see the transformation in her when she performs. During Your Biggest Mistake she just goes crazy. Not to mention her drumming during Salt Skin and Starry Eyed. I was a massive fan of Ellie before she got signed, like with Florence and to see her go from being a girl with a guitar with no record deal to a household name just made me feel so proud. A lovely person who I was lucky to meet at the start of the year. She’s just amazing. Favourite album track : from Lights : Salt Skin. from Bright Lights: Believe Me.

New Young Pony Club- The Optimist- Highly underrated. This album was amazing. Much better than their debut. The lyrics, the production- everything just sounded bigger yet darker. I love how dark the album sounds. Perfect from start to finish. Favourite album track: Chaos.

The Drums-The Drums– I love how they captured the dark lyrics over lively music. I love everything about this band. The way Johnny moves on stage reminds you of Morrissey mixed with Ian Curtis. Favourite album track : Down By The Water.

Mystery Jets-Serotonin- This year after  waiting so long to see them live, I finally did. I can safely say watching Flakes live was one of my favourite things about 2010. Stunning.  Making Dens and Twenty One are remarkable albums. Serotonin is just as stunning. Mystery Jets are one of the best UK bands around. Easily. Favourite album track : Alice Springs.

Best Coast-Crazy For You- For me, this album was the sound of the summer. Boyfriend was constantly on BBC 6Music, hearing it just made the day better. Anyone who owns or heard this album knows how speciual it is. It’s just got that summer vibe through and through. Favourite album track : The End.

Zola Jesus-Stridulum II- Haunting, sad, dark, remarkable. I fell in love instantly with this album. Everything about it is evberything I love about music. The lyrics made you want to break down and cry- but you couldn’t cry because you were in awe of how stunning this album is. When I bought his album, I played it whilst cooking and as I was giving my attention to the album- I nearly burnt myself. That’s how good it is. It requires all your attention. If you don’t own it- please go out and buy it. Favourite album track – I Can’t Stand.

Lightspeed Champion- Life Is Sweet! Nice To Meet You- Massvie fan of Dev and all he does. Whether it is as Lightspeed Champion or Blood Orange. He’s a musical genius. This album, along with a few this year, just did not get the recognition they fully deserve. Favourite album track- Faculty Of Fears.

Foals- Total Life Forever- VERY nearly was my album of the year- but most lists have claimed it to be the best album. By a UK band, yes it is. It’s an amazing album. Like all the albums I have listed- it catapulted me into a different world. Total Life Forever is sheer brilliance. I loved playing this album whilst on the train to work every day. It’s an album that I know I will listen in 10 years time and feel the same way about it as I did the first time I heard it. Favourite album track – After Glow.


Warpaint-The Fool- When I first heard Undertow I knew that Warpaint would be putting out some of the best music of 2010. Their EP Exquisite Corpse (brilliantly titled) just left you wanting more. A year later and The Fool was released. I still want more. They were a pleasure to interview, probably my favourite band I’ve interviewed. They love what they do and they love each other. You can tell that music is their everything. They’re not in it to make money. They do it because music is that important to them. I remember listening to the album online (streaming not illegally downloaded) because as hard as I tried, I couldn’t wait a week to buy it knowing I could listen to it. The album broke my heart, made me happy, threw me into a different place. It did everything an album should do. I adore Warpaint, and have done for some time- so to see them become massive this year was amazing. Favourite album track – Majesty

Lightspeed Champion Interview!

Below is an interview with Dev Hynes aka Lightspeed Champion aka The Best British Musician aka My Favourite Guitarist. I love him. I make people listen to him. I disown them if they don’t fall in love. I hug them if they do. Marlene is BIG. The new album, Life Is Sweet! Nice To Meet You is out real SOON. Feb 1st. Please go out and buy it because it’s the best album of this year. I’ve not heard any of it, but to be honest, I love Dev and I know it’s going to be fantastic.

Lightspeed Champion Interview Part 1.

There’s 5 parts, and the other 4 will be up SOON.