…vs My Brain




With it being Mental Health Awareness Week, I guess now is a good a time as any to ramble on about my past year. In fact, it was probably longer than a year- I just put off dealing with whatever my brain was telling me, and not telling me.

Last October I think I pretty much had my very own breakdown. It was at 2/3am. I remember sitting on my bed in some weird position crying, having a panic attack after panic attack. I was at war with my head. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t switch off. Nothing maintained my attention. I was starting to worry about myself. Prior, I just didn’t care. I went to the doctor and after a few minutes I was told to do a self-referral for treatment. I put this off for a few weeks, then stopped being a stubborn dick and did it.

Now I care more than I did. I went to the doctor a second time earlier this year, as my referral for CBT was going to be some time- the second stage of it. I made no improvements with the first lot. Labelled as having severe anxiety and mild depression. Labels are for foodstuffs- I’m not for consumption. Things shouldn’t define a person, just like their actions always shouldn’t. In this case, I wasn’t going to let this be something that ruled who I was and my life- enough was enough. I went to my doctor. She looked at me and asked how she could help. I cried. I broke down like a child and cried. I said “I can’t cope.” Finally admitting to myself that I couldn’t hack whatever was going on in my head.

As someone who can’t take paracetamol without assuming the worse, I had to resign myself to the fact that at this stage- I probably needed something other than talking. I agreed to take medication. Since starting the medication in late February, I am pretty sure that every side effect I had (I had them all) has been worth it. I’d rather have continuous dry mouth than have another fucking panic attack. The side effects have virtually gone. I do have days where I get this really bad pain in my stomach or the occasional headache, but I’d take that over how I was and what I was putting myself through. Or rather, what my brain was putting me through. I had my assessment for my second stage of CBT. I was being asked questions that weren’t relevant and being asked to focus on things that I really don’t need to. I felt as if I had to say what they wanted, and I didn’t want to be made to bring things up that don’t need to be. So I discharged myself. I decided rather than waste their time (and mine) I would give up my place for someone else who needs it more than me. I tried, and for me, that’s the main thing. But it just wasn’t for me.

Everyone bangs on about it, but support is key. I’ve got a handful of people that I know have my back and are there for me. Just like I am there for them. It also helps having a girlfriend who has a similar shit sleeping pattern so I have someone at 1am when I can’t sleep and everything seems too much. She’s my rock, and I try my hardest to be hers.

Music has been a massive help for me. We went to see Banks in March, and for me I think that was the point where I solidly felt okay. At one point going to gigs was just overwhelming. Going to work was overwhelming. Not because I hate my job or anything like that- far from it. But the effort of having to get out of bed and the overwhelming feeling of being on a packed train. My brain was slowly failing me. Or maybe I was failing myself for not taking better care. Music has been my other rock. Certain songs (which I’ll link below) have played a massive part in my brain healing and keeping me calm. I go the gym during the week after work to allow myself to take care of my body as well as my mind.

My bad days now don’t feel near as half as bad as they once were. I don’t have to fake being alright because I genuinely feel just fine at the moment. I’m not thinking long-term because that shit is scary. If I can get through one day without feeling terrible, I’m fine. My last panic attack was on the 2nd March. It’s been two months. I still feel a little shitty at times and certain things at the moment are fucking tough but, you can’t control everything.

I am not brave, I am not tough. All I did was reach breaking point. All I did was let myself get worse before I realised something needed to be done.

I’m alright. I’m happy with that. I’m alright.










R.I.P Chi Cheng.


I’ve been a fan of Deftones for as long as I can remember. I practically lived in a grey t-shirt I hado the band with a cassette tape sprawled across the chest with Deftones written across. I still have the shirt. That shirt holds a lot of memories. A lot.

When I look at it now, I know a wave of sadness will hit.

Chi Cheng was undoubtedly one of the best bassists ever in one of the best bands ever. The way he played was furious and passionate. The way he played was inspirational. It made you want to do something. Anything. Just..something. To know that will never happen again is horrible. Just horrible. Of course we still have the music he created when he was here. Of course we do.

I often play Deftones when I’m at the gym. For some reason I concentrate on music more when I’m there. Just the other day I was listening to them, and more than ever Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away) became more apt. That song just oozes all of my frustrations of being stuck where I am. Because I am stuck, with minimal hope of getting out. I listened to it and more than ever I saw myself in that song. Everyone has that one song where it just sums everything up for them; that song is mine.

I never saw Deftones play, but I know if I ever did it’d cause a lifetime obsession of just wanting to see them anywhere and everywhere no matter what. You can love a band all your life and never see them live. It’s not nice, but sometimes that is just how it has to be.

Utter sadness just fills me as I think about Deftones. More so Chi right now. Fortunately I can listen to them still. Sometimes this happens and no part of you can bring yourself to listen to the music. But at the end of it all, music is what we have. What they gave us.

And with the deepest respects and a lot of love; Rest In Peace Chi xx

“I’ll give you anything, but I’ll give you problems.”

Maybe all of our actions come from the reaction to what has been done to us before. Other people sometimes do not tread gently when they face us, sometimes you meet rare ones who know what to do. Everything becomes tough at some point. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with anything. Everyone has expectations of others, which is why we are always carrying some disappointment on our backs. The disappointment in ourselves, the disappointment others give us. So why do we get close? A lot of good can come from it, a lot of bad can come from it. Letting go is an art form that is a pain to master. I know, I know all too well. I managed to let something go the other day. The realisation hit me whilst on the rowing machine the other morning at the gym. All my thoughts for about half an hour were on this, and I eventually let go. No resentment, no hatred, no love, no longing, no wanting. No nothing. You feel so much lighter, and everything seems clearer. Just because certain things happen doesn’t mean you have to follow the pattern. It is easy to go back in on yourself. I know that all too well. I’ve currently fallen into that. It’s not a crippling shyness. More like an excruciating dose of “I cannot go further than…” Change the place, change your state of mind. Anyway.

You look up for answers. Maybe the answers are inside of you. Maybe you get a brief moment of clarity when you finish a book, or a line from a song or poem just make you wake up, come alive. Something. I’m waiting. I’m always waiting. Looking. Taking it all in. I give out more than I have. I’m far too patience. But maybe it is a strength rather than a weakness. My stubborn ways are good and bad. I know when to turn it off, I know when to use it. I think most of us do you know? Or maybe we don’t. If you’re always cautious, you may miss out. Please don’t be a coward.

Some will aways use certain traits you have against you. You can rise above it. Be miserable, cry, laugh, fall over, take your time getting back up. Rock bottom happens to us all. You’ll crawl out from under there when you are ready. Take your time. Always. Go slow.

Leaving is good for the soul.

Sometimes you get stuck in a place that you think you cannot get out of. Whether it is a state of mind or an actual place, sometimes it has this disgusting grip on you- and you just cannot escape. I guess that’s why music is one of the best ways to express how one feels. It says the things you cannot say. It says the things you wish you could say. The lyrics, the note changes, every major and minor detail in a piece of music can just sum up any and every feeling you carry around with you on a daily basis.

I live in a place I really cannot stand. I’ve got the guts to leave. I’m leaving on Friday. I’ve been trying to do it for some time now, but now I have a reason. Things did improve in September, but I guess….you just have to do what works for you and what makes you happy. You see, I’m moving back to my mum’s. For a while I was reluctant to do it because I thought I’d be a failure. I’m not. I’m doing something for ME. Something I rarely do. I spent too long thinking about others and what they wanted, I forgot about myself. So, I’m moving home for a bit. Save money from my job and after that, I have no idea. I don’t know where I will go. I’ve got some ideas- but I don’t know. I don’t like planning things. So, with this week’s mix I’m putting songs that can help you escape the dullness and chore of everyday life. Songs to lose yourself in and make you realise what you want- and how you are going to get it.

Don’t ever think you are not worthy of putting yourself first, because you are. You are worth more than you know. It’s totally okay to be happy and to be yourself first. I guess hitting 25 the other week has had a positive impact. Grow up and get out.

Deftones- Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away.)

Hardly anyone knows this, but one of my favourite bands ever are Deftones. One of my favourite albums ever is Around The Fur. I think it’s just a perfect album to escape to.

One song in particular that means so much to be is Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away). It just makes me want to throw all my stuff into a bag, headphones in and just leave. But seeing as I am low on funds, I just play it over and over, and dream about leaving. Leaving for something better. Because let’s face it, there is always something better than what you currently have. You may not think it, but when taken out of the situation you are in- you will look back and think, “Why didn’t I do something?”

The way Chino sings on this song just breaks you. The desperation and frustration that comes through in his voice is astounding, it makes you feel his frustration. It makes you want to pick shit up and throw it. It makes you want to get in the face of the one person who is causing all these feelings to build up, and tell them exactly how low they make you feel. Yet the sad thing is, you want to get away far- but you probably want it to be with them. It’s just a song that leads you to asses all the things in your life that are causing these frustrations. It is okay to be angry, it is okay to have insecurities. It is okay to feel. Do not let another person tell you otherwise. If you’re mad- be mad. If you want to cry- let the tears fall. If you’re happy- fucking hold onto it. Because people will never want to get rid of your hurt, just your joy.

Back to the song.

“I don’t care where, just FAR!” The way this is sung is just out of this world. The way Chino emphasises “FAR” breaks your heart. It shatters you. There’s only one way to play this song. Alone and loud.

Everything about this song causes your heart beat to increase. You feel things you didn’t think were humanly possible. It’s like being in love but without the pain and disappointment.

Yes it is angsty, but not in a “I hate the world, woe is me” kind of vibe. It’s sheer frustration that sometimes, we struggle to offload.

It just makes you want to forget all that is fucking you over, and just go. And sometimes, in life, it is needed. Real life can be daunting and sometimes dull, so the best thing you can do is escape and create.


Firstly, sorry I haven’t updated this. Uni work took over my life recently, but it’s all over now! I handed in my last piece of uni work ever this morning.

Secondly, expect a review of Morrissey’s gig in Stirling from Monday 4th May either the Tuesday or Wednesday- depends how long it takes me for me to get over the excitement!

Thirdly (and the point of this post), Deftones are playing a one off at The Forum in London on 27th August. Tickets go on sale TOMORROW. Now, if this wasn’t in London I’d go. I want to go, but I really don’t like London.

That’s all for now 🙂