27 01 2013

“I can’t be near you,
The light just radiates.”

As I get older, I lose more. I think my mind is the next thing to go. I’m not clinging onto my youth. I will always look younger than I am. I don’t see any harm in this. At least I can pay full fare on the bus when I use it. £1.20 for a 20 minute journey? Piss off. I’m going to walk. And if it rains? Then I just stay indoors. If you cannot enjoy being on your own, nobody else is going to want your company. Having said that, I like being on my own and will never understand why someone would want to spend 2 minutes with me. I don’t mind when strangers sit next to me on the bus. I prefer pensioners because they have cool stories. People my age or younger? I always think they’re going to punch me. But people over here are quite silly so maybe they’d trip up and punch themselves. That’d be alright.

It’s important to have something to lean on isn’t it. To make us feel less vile. I don’t use people in this way. People come and go. I’ve lost more than I’ve gained, but I don’t have attachment issues. Far from it. I’m alright with everything. If you want to go, then go. If you want to stay, bring your own teabags, I’ll give you a cup. I have my good side. It’s overlooked. You see, I never go to a person when something is wrong. Maybe I should, but it doesn’t work for me. You see, nothing is wrong right now (wouldn’t tell you if there was I know) but last night I did that thing where I play one of my favourite songs ever until a sense of calm took over. I’m doing it again now.

Malibu by Hole is the song that I play religiously when I just wish I was somewhere else. Away from everyone else. I always need space. I cannot be around people for too long. Maybe because I get bored, maybe because I just like being quiet. Maybe there are so many reasons and they don’t need to be shared. You see, with this song, it gives me much-needed hope. I have so much love and respect for Courtney Love. More than I can put into words. She’s delicate but has this way of putting the most ugly feelings possible into words that make YOU feel okay with possessing them. When a singer/band can unleash the ugly feelings you have and show them to the world in a way you only wish you could, that’s when you know you have found something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

The opening verse has the power to make me bawl like a baby and also make me feel invincible all at once. Sometimes one feeling exceeds the other.  I just think : “Crash and burn, all the stars explode tonight.  How’d you get so desperate?  How’d you stay alive?” Is such a beautiful yet painful thing to hear. The longing and desperation in her voice to understand the pain of the person she’s singing it to is overwhelming. I write a lot, and I can only wish and hope I write something as captivating as that verse. One day, maybe I will. I have no idea.

Another thing I utterly adore about this song is the way Courtney’s powerful voice is mixed so gorgeously with Melissa Auf Der Maur’s delicate voice, you really hear it in the chorus but my favourite is when you hear her sing with Courtney, “Don’t lay down and die.” Goosebumps every single time.

I could quite happily pick this song apart and tell you why I love each line. Certain lines stand out more than others, such as; “Get well soon.
Please don’t go any higher. How are you so burnt when you’re barely on fire?” Sometimes you have enough before you even start, this puts this across so lovingly and beautifully. It’s the kind of song that part of you thinks, if someone was going to offer words of hope- they’d point you towards this song. I probably would, but I’m too kind for my own good. Or when someone truly knows you and loves you, it’s like they are singing “And I knew the darkest secret of your heart.” with Courtney. It’s just such a powerful song, and I don’t think Courtney has ever been given the credit she deserves with her song-writing skills. I firmly believe she is one of the most underrated frontwomen and song-writers ever. She just offers something others seem to lack right now. She’s always been a wild force, but isn’t afraid to show her frail side. Her frail side is the side that just makes you fall so hopelessly in love with her. Her angsty songs are why you also fall in love with her. Her vulnerability, her passion and the quiet storms she builds up in her music is just beyond anything else.

For me, if it wasn’t for this song certain things would be unbearable. It allows you to feel not okay, and it just soothes you. Of course I can listen to Warpaint and have my soul swayed and feel alright. But this song does what no other song will ever do, and I really cannot put it into words. It’s not that I can’t; I just don’t want to get that personal. I know this song is their most “commercially successful” song, but I don’t care. It’s a fucking lifeline.

There is so much comfort in this song, and every time I listen to it a piece of hope is placed back inside of me. It’s a reminder to not go too far with whatever may be eating at me. You can block the world off, and the only thing to truly get through is music.There always comes a time where asking someone you’re friends with or whatever for help/advice just doesn’t work. They cannot keep you here or something like that; no one can. I’ve never relied on anyone because it never works out. I just use this song. For always. I doubt there will ever come a time where this song just doesn’t give me what I need. The words, Courtney’s voice; just everything. It’s like a mantra. It keeps a hopeless case going.

“I’ll give you anything, but I’ll give you problems.”

22 08 2012

Maybe all of our actions come from the reaction to what has been done to us before. Other people sometimes do not tread gently when they face us, sometimes you meet rare ones who know what to do. Everything becomes tough at some point. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with anything. Everyone has expectations of others, which is why we are always carrying some disappointment on our backs. The disappointment in ourselves, the disappointment others give us. So why do we get close? A lot of good can come from it, a lot of bad can come from it. Letting go is an art form that is a pain to master. I know, I know all too well. I managed to let something go the other day. The realisation hit me whilst on the rowing machine the other morning at the gym. All my thoughts for about half an hour were on this, and I eventually let go. No resentment, no hatred, no love, no longing, no wanting. No nothing. You feel so much lighter, and everything seems clearer. Just because certain things happen doesn’t mean you have to follow the pattern. It is easy to go back in on yourself. I know that all too well. I’ve currently fallen into that. It’s not a crippling shyness. More like an excruciating dose of “I cannot go further than…” Change the place, change your state of mind. Anyway.

You look up for answers. Maybe the answers are inside of you. Maybe you get a brief moment of clarity when you finish a book, or a line from a song or poem just make you wake up, come alive. Something. I’m waiting. I’m always waiting. Looking. Taking it all in. I give out more than I have. I’m far too patience. But maybe it is a strength rather than a weakness. My stubborn ways are good and bad. I know when to turn it off, I know when to use it. I think most of us do you know? Or maybe we don’t. If you’re always cautious, you may miss out. Please don’t be a coward.

Some will aways use certain traits you have against you. You can rise above it. Be miserable, cry, laugh, fall over, take your time getting back up. Rock bottom happens to us all. You’ll crawl out from under there when you are ready. Take your time. Always. Go slow.

“Crash and burn, all the stars explode tonight. How’d you get so desperate? How’d you stay alive?”

31 07 2012

“Get well soon, please don’t go any higher
How are you so burnt when you’re  barely on fire?”

They say you’ve got to hit rock bottom in order to be a better person. What if you weren’t shit to start with? What if you thought you were okay, but fucks spat down judgment on you..leading you to believe you are actually a really shit person? What do you do? What about when you hide everything in order to keep a sense of normality, so you don’t fully lose it? What if you cannot get the words out, and all you can do is tell anyone who shows a hint of caring that you’re totally okay. What happens when they place you are currently “living” in has killed all the good in you? What if…what if…Fucks sake. It’s all so bloody stupid isn’t it. When you think about it, you’re just some stupid fool with no direction. Because all the directions you took have led you nowhere. Nowhere can be your bedroom at 4am hating your own skin. Nowhere can be sat on a bench waiting for something slightly interesting to happen. Nowhere can be in the eyes of the one you love. Nowhere and nothing go hand in hand. There’s a song for everything, for everyone. Those thoughts you have; well, someone else had the same ones and probably wrote a song about it all. You’ll return to your “normal” self eventually, you just have to work out what that is. I should take my own advice. But my own advice is for anyone and everyone but me. I have no problem writing like this because I know nobody will read it. Once it leaves my brain and ends up on the screen, it is no longer mine. Nothing is mine, no one is mine. I own nothing. Even my Docs are coming apart. My favourite band shirt has a hole in it. As you sink further and further, what song will you play as you fall? What song will pull you back up? I’ll never read this again, which is why none of this will make sense. I rarely re-read what I write here. Mainly because I know it doesn’t make sense. I don’t like organisation. I don’t like things making sense. I don’t like knowing some things. Uncertainty for me, is a good thing. Self-doubt for me, is a good thing.

But every fucking word I’ve written, every word I have ever said has been said by someone else. And they did it better. I can only say I’m sorry, but I’ll keep doing it. And for that, I am also sorry.