Category Archives: Weekly Mixtape.

THE KILLS: Lyrics.

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I remember first hearing Keep On Your Mean Side 13 years ago- I instantly knew I had found a home in this loud, manic and powerful sound. I knew that I had found a band that for as long as they made music, they would be always with me. They would be the soundtrack to good and bad moments. Moments that I’ll never forget and moments I partially wish I could. By no means am I tough, but when I listen to The Kills I always feel braver than I am. And just like Nick Cave, they talk about love and all that comes with it in a way that I can fully identify with. I cannot get my head around songs that are full of wanting to be with someone all the time, the sunshine and rainbows- I want the darker side- the mean side. It’s more honest. I’m surprised I’ve never delved into the lyrics of The Kills. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, there are times where it could have been the right moment but I missed out because I got in the way of my own doing so. So here I am. Saturday 23rd April at 4:10pm with nothing better to do than sit and listen to the sounds of my all-time favourite duo. The band that keep me sane. I’m going to try narrow this down to 10 lines that mean the most to me, but please be assured that there are more than 10. I’m doing this blind but the last two I mention are solid. They’ve always been there.

“If I’m so evil, why are you satisfied?” (Rodeo Town) – This is one of the lines where it’s not what is sung, but how it is sung. I love how tired Alison’s voice sounds. As if someone is at the end of arguing with someone that possibly can’t pull away from. It’s one of my favourite songs by The Kills, and definitely my favourite off No Wow. We all think we’re beyond bad at times, and it leads us to question those around us. I’ve always felt fine with questioning everything and everyone- I mean for the most part it is done in the comfort in my mind, but you know. Rodeo Town always reminds me of a road trip gone a bit askew- but hey, where’s the pleasure in things not being slightly chaotic?

 

“Send your love in a rampage, give her everything you’ve got. And when you come to hate her, show her more than just a spark.” (Heart Is A Beating Drum) Maybe I should have just quoted the whole song here, every line is just perfect and one of the strongest moments on Blood Pressures. I’ve got so much sentimental value attached to this record, and I know I’ve got to let it go when the new one comes out. I’ll be fine just doing so. I adore the lyrics to this because it just sums up the fury of love, lust and god knows what else we subject ourselves to. I toyed with using, “And you feel like you’ve been here so many times before. It’s not the door you’re using but the way you’re walking through it” for me that’s a golden life motto to keep with you, it’s like being told to just get on. Easier said than done for most, but this song was a crutch for a long time and it was that line that played a massive part. However, the line I did choose to use is the one that is full of something quite wonderfully sinister. Show the person why you can no longer stand them, it’s totally fine. Sometimes you just have to be quite furious with the emotions you send on to another person. Don’t hold back.

“Lipstick letters and souvenirs, make a mockery of your fears.” (Hook And Line) One of my favourites off Midnight Boom is Hook And Line. I love how the verses are quite gentle then the hook of, “With your hook and line, I still blow away” comes right on in like a madman and smacks you right in the face. I’ve been thinking about this song a lot recently, and I had it on repeat at the gym the other evening when I was struggling to stay motivated. The line I’ve chosen again, is one I love how it sung and the idea of ripping apart what fills us with fear is always appealing. I always wish they made a video to this song, I reckon it would have been something else. There’s a lot of wild imagery in the song that could have been brought to life in such a captivating way. I love that before this song on the record, you’ve got Last Day Of Magic. That song alone I could write about but the things I’d write are too personal. “My little tornado, my little hurricano.” I could, but I won’t.

“Superstition is, your modern eye. With original skin, and original lie.” (Superstition) I’ve watched many live performances of this song online, and it’s one that makes you firmly believe that Jamie and Alison are truly out of this world with the music they make. I love the burning rage in the guitar that goes along with Alison’s scream/groan towards the end of the song. It’s a perfect noise and when you’ve seen it live (online or physically) it stays with you. They both seem possessed and you feel like you’re intruding on something you shouldn’t be. That’s what I love about them. They’ve got this bond that you can only dream of having. If you ever experience it, don’t fuck it up. I remember hearing this song for the first time and just being in awe of the noise I was hearing. I think that’s part of the attraction with Keep On Your Mean Side. It’s a proper noisy record and it just stays with you, you always go back to it.

“What a mess a little time makes to us when time and place collide.” (Satellite) I was going to go with “I loved her too long, don’t love her too” but right now, I’m siding with the first line mentioned. I love this song to pieces. I love the slight reggae feel to the guitar, I love the video and how it makes you want to hit the road, I love the lyrics. I adore the lyrics to this song so much and it’s pretty hard to describe why, but they speak for themselves don’t they? They’re great lyrics that I think anyone can relate to if they dig a little deeper than usual. When time and place do collide, it does have the potential to leave something disastrous in the mind, and that’s what I love about that line. It exposes how chaotic things can be- in mind and body. I’d happily go off on a tangent about this song, but I probably wouldn’t be able to reel myself back in. It just does something to you when you hear it. I love that they both sing it, and Jamie makes the guitar sound like a lightning bolt going right through you.

 

“These are the days we’ll never forget, when the dawn dawns on you.” (Pots And Pans) I was going to go with something from The Last Goodbye but I realised it was too much to take on in one little paragraph. If you don’t know why, just read the lyrics. They are heart breaking, and they automatically make you feel like you’ve had your heart torn out. It’s a brutally honest song, and I really couldn’t do it justice by writing about it. Pots And Pans closes Blood Pressures and it’s the most perfect ending. It feels like a hymn, some kind of ethereal experience that is saved for last. It all comes together as Alison sings the line I picked out. It repeats over and over, like a holy mantra to get you through. It’s to keep you going until the next record, until next time. At first I wasn’t sure about how I felt towards this song. At times I felt it was too slow or something stupid, but I ended up playing it on repeat when I got to the end of the record. Maybe it was my brain saying, “it’s not over, it can’t be-play it again.” I go back to this song a lot, for whatever reason. It makes you feel alright with not having much to offer someone or something, and I think that’s something most can relate to.

“Elevator straight into my skull. The escalator rises as it falls.  I swear our jet is crashing in my mind, you can hold on but I wouldn’t waste your time.” (Black Balloon) The whole song. The whole damn song. From start to finish is just beautiful, sad and honest. I love the line, “Let the weather have its way with you” but I had to go with the opening verse because it’s one of the saddest and most truthful lyrics I’ve ever heard. For me it’s on a par with the genius of I Know It’s Over by The Smiths. It’s got that brutal honesty that gets you right in the gut, and I can’t think of a time where Black Balloon has not been relevant. The sadness in “You can hold on but I wouldn’t waste your time” is so overpowering, you don’t know what to do with yourself when you hear it. The whole song is just a beautiful description of knowing something is done but whoever else is involved is probably oblivious to it. Sometimes you’re oblivious to it, and this song lets you know what’s up.

 “No longing for the moonlight, no longing for the sun. No longer will I curse the bad I’ve done.” (Future Starts Slow) I think it’s pretty obvious how much I am in love with Blood Pressures, but Future Starts Slow was as if someone was coming full speed at you with this thumping drum sound and machine gun guitar- it charges at you, and when the vocals kick in that’s it. It calms down in places then picks right back up. It’s such a great way to start the record off, and the line I’ve picked is possibly my favourite lyric by The Kills. Ever. Have I already said that? If I have, then I’ve changed my mind. If I haven’t, then all is okay. It’s the no longer cursing all the bad- for me that’s just a brilliant way of accepting everything and carrying on. This song makes you feel tough and as if you can do anything. But let’s be honest, you can do anything because when you stick on your favourite song- anything is possible. I told a little lie when I said I had 2 solid favourites- I’ve got 3, and this is one of them.

“Baby says for all I’ve forsaken make something of all the noise, and the mess you’re making. And all the time’s it’s taken.” (Baby Says) Last one off Blood Pressures. For me, this song carries a wealth of imagery that is free for the listener to conjure up. Baby can be a person you’ve met. Baby can be an image or thought in your mind, but Baby makes you feel alright with what you’ve done so long as you make something out of it. It’s one of the most powerful songs on the record, and one of the songs I wish I had written. Any time I write something, this is one of the songs I have in mind. It’s got this innocence to it that isn’t found so often. Baby Says is a strong sense of reassurance, and I’m forever grateful to The Kills that this song exists. It means a hell of a lot, and if I ever met them I’d probably try rustle this out of myself to let them know.

“Jailers in my mind are all dead. I love you so much, never forget.” (Goodnight Bad Morning) Around 2010/2011 I was having issues with sleeping and being a functioning adult. I’d go to bed at 3 and be awake at 7. I was able to disguise being stuck in a rut quite well, but that’s all in the past now along with other things. It has that Lou Reed greatness to it.  This song would be what I would play when I was trying to fall asleep. It’s gentle and it’s pure. It’s apt and aimed- but that’s not up for discussion. It’s such a beautiful song that once you hear it, it stays with you. Again, it’s a perfect song to close a record with. It makes you feel at the end, that you’ve drifted off somewhere. Maybe to sleep, maybe to a place in your mind where nothing else gets to you. It’s one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard, and I do compare a lot of things to how this song makes me feel and think. It’s got a lot of nostalgic and sentimental value. I did have a slight blip where I couldn’t listen to the song- but I realised I was being a daft swine, and got a grip. When I listen to it now, for the most part all I see in my head is the way Jamie and Alison look at each other when they perform this. The song is like the sun coming up when all has been weird before- like you can start over. And sometimes, that’s all you can do. It’s all you should do.

 

It’s now 5:30pm, and all I can now think about are the songs I typically did not mention. Good job the new record is out soon.

“I don’t have the time for a graveyard of the mind that they call shame.”

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“Sometimes I fantasise
When the streets are cold and lonely
And the cars they burn below me
Don’t these times fill your eyes
When the streets are cold and lonely
And the cars, they burn below me.”

 

People will always want to change you. They can be people who are insignificant to you (in the long run) or they can be people who claim to “know” you. They will want to change the way you cut your hair to the way you are. At what age does this stop? Does it ever stop?

Self-acceptance is hard for most people. We all have things we cannot stand about ourselves, and they are usually the things we cannot change. The things we can change, we put off because we know we can deal with it “later.” It is always later isn’t it. Not today, but tomorrow. I’m not criticising those who do this, I do it myself. I probably do it more times than I should. I should wear more colour, but I won’t. I should probably not just wear band t-shirts and jeans, but I know I always will. I’m comfortable in the clothes I wear. The person I am? That’s not for here. People can make you feel utterly terrible about yourself, and something happened a few weeks ago that, with me being too sensitive for my own good- I took it to heart.

I had a job interview a few weeks ago, it was my second one for the same job. I was good enough for a second interview. That’s a positive right? I take my piercings out (I took my lip piercing out for good a month ago so all I have is a nose piercing) and I cover up my tattoos. I wear smart (and clean) clothes to interviews. We live in a world where we pretend things are accepted, but they rarely are. A lot of people still do think those with tattoos and piercings are bad people. Hitler didn’t have his nose pierced. Myra Hindley didn’t have her lip pierced. They are bad people; without piercings. You see my point right?

So I went for my second interview. I thought it was going well, until  was asked a question that made me feel so uncomfortable and so small, I just wanted to go home. I was asked, “If I gave you the job- could you change how you look and would you?” I know I’m a sensitive person, and I know I’m not attractive at all- but does it need pointing out in a job interview of all places? Job interviews are terrifying enough, but come on now.

I’ve been trying to work out what made them ask such a question, and I really don’t understand. I didn’t think they could. If you must know, I went against everything I stand for and said yes to their question.  I said yes because I really really need a fucking job. I said yes because every day I am sat at home applying for a job is another day of self-loathing. I have friends, if I can call them that, who refer to people as being on Job Seekers as “scum” amongst other things. I’m scum, apparently. To me, scum are those who harm children, those who rape and those who kill. Not people who need help with getting by. I’m aware there are people who play the system, I’m not totally stupid. But everyone has their own struggle- so don’t judge.

I’m sick of being asked “what jobs have you applied for? Maybe you should aim lower.” I’m 27 years old; shouldn’t I have a career by now? I’ll never be paid to write, and I find myself compromising myself when I apply for jobs. I disregard the fact that writing and music make me happy. I lie and lie just to get somewhere. I’m getting nowhere. And I am so tired. I am so fucking tired.

I have no point with this, I really don’t. I don’t want to be a fraud. I can’t keep going back and forth with having a job to being on JSA again. I really can’t.

But then again, maybe I’m just too sensitive.

Have some songs:

HAPPY YORKSHIRE DAY!

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Today is quite frankly the most important day of the year. After Record Store Day, of course. This day embodies everything wonderful. This day is full of power..and bravery…and other stuff. I don’t know.

This day is so important as it is made for such wonderful people.

Yorkshire. Today is YOUR day. Yorkshire, if you did not already know, is THE best county in the UK. You don’t need statistics to tell you, it’s just a fact. Everyone knows it. Don’t listen to those who don’t agree. They just wish they had Yorkshire blood in them. As grim as the North may be- Yorkshire will always be above the rest.

With that aside, here are some of the best things (musically) to come from Yorkshire:

“I was dreaming in my dreaming, of an aspect bright and fair. And my sleeping it was broken, but my dream it lingered near.”

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I wandered around Soho on Friday afternoon to find a record shop. This record shop has had every single record I’ve ever wished to own. I’ve only ever been in with a friend (she knows the way round and when with another person in a record shop, I do not spend as long in there.) So I wandered around for what seemed forever. I knew I was lost, and I loved every minute of it. I didn’t care that I didn’t know where I was because I knew I’d eventually stumble upon this record shop. I found it eventually. I had to walk up that sex alley to get there. I kept my eyes on the ground for a bit, then realised I was amongst curious tourists who were falling in and out of the shops selling various (and probably questionable) things. I didn’t care, I just wanted to find this record shop.

I walked in and went towards the 7″ singles. For some reason I’ve recently started buying more of these than I have of LPs. Maybe it’s because I now have Psychocandy on record so I no longer seek out looking for much (if I tell myself this then my addiction to buying records will seem less of a problem.) I’ve found a few gems on 7″ from The Walker Brothers to The Shangri-Las. Somehow when you see they are only 50p, you pile the records into your arms like a greedy swine at an all you can eat buffet. I’ll take music over food any day. Even though I’m chubby; I can survive without food but not music.

I must have been in the shop for close to an hour and a half. I realised I had friends to meet. I also realised I forgot the way to Tottenham Court Road station. I went for the fool-proof route: GO THE WAY YOU CAME. Always. If I wasn’t in a hurry, I’d have tried to discover shortcuts and new places to ramble. I was sensible, but the hour and a half I spent in the shop I was anything but. I found Safe As Milk for the extremely pricey £25. I did some maths in my head (never a good sign) and I had about 3 in my hand that came to under £20 but I was desperate for this Captain Beefheart record. I was painfully sensible. I put it back so I could afford to buy my girlfriend and I dinner later on. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t approve of me buying her dinner and I declined anything for myself as I had bought a record. Being sensible is never fun, but sometimes you must do it.

In the end I bought a 7″ of The Jesus And Mary Chain and also a copy of their third record, Automatic. I’ve not played it yet but I’m sure I’ll be doing so soon. TJAMC have become the most important band in my life. They went from being a dormant love to a dominating passion that is uncontrollable. I don’t wish to control it nor do I ever want to tame my love for music.

Something else also happened on that Friday.

I was sat in a pub with a group of people I really cannot be without or be away from.  Turns out that this pain of being away from them is soon to pass as I’m going to FINALLY move to London in about a month. I own nothing and I have nothing so I will want for nothing (except for a job of course.) States of bliss occur in small things. From finding records you’ve been searching for to being in the company of those you love beyond words. Everything felt alright on that Friday. Even when Amy and I got on the tube leaving James behind, only to find we got on the wrong tube and had to pull him off the tube he got on after us so we could get on the right one together. You find happiness in the things and people that matter. Happiness is not going to be found in the form of money. It is in time, in places and in people.

I played Psychocandy on my record player the other day. I stared at the splattered vinyl (the one from Record Store Day) and was just in awe of everything that was happening. The sound was beautiful and the artwork was stunning.

There was no real point in this, but I learnt one thing from typing this up- it is incredibly annoying and a bit difficult to type this when attached to a blood pressure monitoring machine/contraption. More than anything though, it is massively distracting. And with that, I am going to listen to the new Dirty Beaches record(s).

 

“Walk through the fire,walk ’till it gets light. There is no hiding to save your life.”

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Bad luck happens to us all. It happens to some more than most. Some attract bad vibes, bad people and bad luck. Thing is, what you class as bad luck may seem like something trivial to someone else. This is why you should never measure yourself against other people’s woes. When you do that you start to carry more dislike for yourself because you feel pathetic for feeling a bit silly. It happens, you are human. It’d be much easier if you were an animal wouldn’t it. Or you know, didn’t have any feelings.

Bad luck will catch up to the luckiest of people. Call it what you want, it always does. I think I was pretty shit in my past life because of certain step. One step forward is about 50 backwards. The further backwards you go, the more careful you are when making your next move. So really, it isn’t all so bad. The older I get, the less I find what I am good at. The things I am good at are utterly useful. My brain is like a jukebox, and my limbs are too short. My body fat is decreasing because I basically live at the gym. I don’t think anyone understands how happy I am that I’ve gone down a size or two, and that I can zip up my favourite hoodie..AND THERE IS ROOM. I’m good at losing my body fat; can’t make a living from that can I?! No, I can’t. Me? Do a fitness video? Never. I don’t understand them. Go outside and do stuff.

I had a nap earlier and woke up with hair that resembles Nick Cave when he was in The Birthday Party. Wild. Truly wild. It’s the only thing about me that is. But it’s alright. Some want to conform, I just want to catch up on some sleep. Bad luck.

Bad luck is happening to us all. Some of us ignore the bad and appreciate the good. That’s how it should be. Even with fuck-ups and set-backs. You see people thrive off being utterly miserable. I have my grumpy moments. I have them more than I wish, but it’s only when I am here. When I am with her, everything is just fine. Not grumpy at all. But, it’s just something I must deal with for now. It isn’t bad luck, it’s just a crappy situation. I could be further,  but thankfully I’m not.

Bad luck doesn’t define you. Everything shit that happens to you doesn’t rule you. Just because one person cannot stand you doesn’t mean you are awful. Just because someone feels the need to be awful about you doesn’t mean you have a problem. They’re the ones with the problem. But, we live in a world it seems where having an opinion is a bit lethal. Like you’re not allowed to speak up. If you see someone doing something wrong or harming someone, then fucking speak up because you’d want someone to save you.

Just because you’re carrying around some bad luck doesn’t mean you’ve got to share your negativity with anyone. Explain your troubles, but don’t act like you are the only one with them. I’d write a book but not even I would read the rubbish I write.

Maybe I should just go find a new band to fall for and write about.

Bad luck..just shrug it off, kid.

“Your heart is a thrown and sinking stone.”

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If the mind could take a holiday, would you let it or would you let yourself carry on? Bad things happen and good people go unnoticed. Too many people want to be famous, anonymity is no longer sought after. It’s a shame. Everything is shame; especially when you cannot do anything about it. We remember bad news because it lasts longer than anything good. We condition ourselves to cling onto the bad because it’s a sick form of comfort. The good slips through, as does time. As much as I dislike the concept of time I am utterly fascinated by it. Yesterday I had a job interview near Camden, so afterwards I went for a walk around Camden. On my own. It was pissing down with rain and I wandered round listening to music. If it wasn’t so grim outside, I’d have stayed longer. Camden isn’t my favourite place in London, far from it. I’m not really sure where my favourite place is in London. I just love that city. I used to hate it. I’m not sure why I hated it so much. Now? Now I have less positive feelings for the North of England. Maybe it’s a shame, maybe it isn’t. But you see, the North is always tinted with a shade of grey. London isn’t. It has something else, like no other. Or maybe I’m just really pleased with myself that I can use the tube all by myself without getting lost. Proud moment.

I wandered around the city a few times. No one knew me, and I didn’t know them. When I thought I got lost I just went a different way and got to where I wanted to go. Even if I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there; I still got there. Time, patience and being aware. In a way, I could apply that to life. My life to be exact. Of course I could. I should. I’m going to try. I took great comfort in nobody knowing who I was. Not caring if I bumped into someone I knew. Stopping to talk to a friend in the street is something I’m not a fan of. I’d rather just sit down with them somewhere. Standing in the street to discuss events and emotions seems to informal. Also, you’re in the way of passers-by. If there’s one thing I dislike, it’s me being in the way of someone. Keeping distance is an art-form. I think I’ve gently got to grips with it. It’s not a tight grip; it never is.

It’s that time of year where I hate myself even more for not having a job or money. Christmas doesn’t bother me; it’s not having money to not go to SXSW that really gets to me. As a music obsessive, SXSW is my idea of heaven. I’ve never been to a music festival nor do I ever want to go to one. Stand in a field surrounded by drunken twats that smell of piss listening to the outline of bass rather than an actual song? No thanks. If I wanted that, I’d go to a club. And I don’t like clubs. SXSW seems like a classier affair. Where people actually care about music. No one is there to get so drunk they throw up and pass out. They are there to discover new music in brilliant venues. Bands from all over the world are there. Shit..last year The Jesus And Mary Chain played. I watched a bit of it on the internet and felt a rush of self-hate mixed with love for that band merge as one. I don’t know what I felt, but I just wished I was there. One year, I will go. I just have to. Maybe I should play the lottery, maybe that’d increase my chances.

I haven’t written anything for a while. I don’t know why. I haven’t even written any lyrics or poetry in my notebooks for a long time. I expect too much from myself at times with that. I’m not some literary machine. I never will be. I’ll take inspiration where I can, and when. I’m 100% sure I’d have found a lot at SXSW.

But all is not bad. After waiting for many years, I finally have tickets to see Beach House in 2 weeks in London. Two days after I’m seeing Foals. If there was an award for “Best Girlfriend In The Universe” mine would win. Not only just for this, but for her general being.

So this week will be spent mostly wishing I was at SXSW in small and sweaty venues with bands that would blow my mind. There’s always Record Store Day to look forward to.

“What a mess a little time makes to us when time and place collide.”

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Five years ago today I was sat in a room at University in an Online Journalism class. This module basically was for us all to start our own blog. What we did with it after the module ended was our own business I guess. I carried on. I carried on because I found a platform where I could express my love for music in a way I’d never done before. It wasn’t just music, it was life events and situations that also tie in with music. Which made me realise that music is my life, it truly truly is. Everyone has a passion in life, it’s obviously what mine is.

Over the past five years of running this blog I have been fortunate enough to befriend bands (Royal Chant, I’m looking at you..lovingly of course) and I’ve discovered new bands that have just blown my mind. I’ve interviewed bands/singers that have inspired me in many ways (meeting Warpaint was beyond words) and I also made my role model, Shirley Manson cry with a piece I wrote about how important Garbage’s record Bleed Like Me is to me.  Being thanked by Crocodiles for something I wrote about them meant more to me than I ever thought it would. I’ve never been paid to write anything, and as clichéd as it sounds- no amount of money can put a price on any of that, and also how much I love writing about music.

I’m still convinced that the only person who reads this is my mum. I’ll never get why anyone would go out of their way to read one of my rants, but when I get an email or whatever from someone on the other side of the world telling me they connected with something I’ve written; it justifies why I write. I do it for me, but I also do it in the hopes someone who loves music as much as I do doesn’t feel so alone and strange with their love for it.

Take comfort where you can.

“Now then mardy bum….”

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Time drags, fucks you over, fucks you up, is a source of comfort, goes quickly and is a healer. Time can knock you back. Time can leave in awe of all that has happened. Time can mean everything or it can mean nothing. You can spend it wisely, you can be carefree with it. What you do with it is your own decision, but sometimes it rules you. It doesn’t have to always be like that but it just happens.

Time can be cruel. Time can be kind. Like people and the universe. It is good and bad. Separately and at once. I don’t wear a watch and I’m the worst person to ask what the date is. Yet I seem to be early for most things, I get that from my mum. My mum. This is who this is about, you don’t have to read any more if you don’t feel like it.

Two years ago today my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. If cancer was a person, it’d be the kind of person you’d want to punch as hard as you could on a daily basis. I’m not a violent person, but cancer makes you angry. The “why’s” and the “how’s” can consume you if you let them. Or you can be a tough-nut like my mum. I firmly believe she beat it because she wouldn’t let some fuck of a disease beat her. Everyone in one way or another is affected by cancer and the distress it brings. Why is there no cure? Well, that’s a different rant altogether really isn’t it. I don’t know if I have it in me to unleash all the rage towards why there isn’t a solid cure, but hey….like I said, a different rant. Different time.

As much as I class strong women like Shirley Manson and Patti Smith as my role models, first and foremost- my mum is. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have all the positive traits I have. Fortunately I took after her in so many ways. I know I’ll never be the toughest person in the world- it’s not something I ever wish to be now, there’s no point. But I get my strong mind and dedicated heart from my mum. There’s no one else in the world I’d want to be like. No one else at all (although I’d be totally fine if I looked like Alison Mosshart!)

I could quite happily write thousands of words yet feel it wasn’t enough. The main thing is, time has passed. It has dragged, kicked and screamed. It has also gone by really fast. It changes you. The whole thing two years ago changed me, but I’m the only one who noticed (others may say in a negative way, but their view is not only stupid; but it is also untrue.) Time can mould you and break you.

There was no real reason behind this, but I just felt I had to. Not everything in life needs an explanation I guess.

As my mum is the most important person in my life (closely followed by my gran..I won’t list the rest.) I thought I’d just put my favourite Yorkshire bands/singers here as my mum is a Yorkshire lass!

“Forgive them, even if they are not sorry.”

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Yesterday I saw something that made me yet again realise that strangers are sometimes a lot more friendlier and much more kind than those we know. Sometimes we find it easier to tell someone we do not know that they aren’t alone or are more inclined to make them feel less alone compared to someone we know, or are close to. I’ve tried to work this out, and I have no answer. I have no answer to anything, just my own views. Which may or may not be right; but it should NEVER be about being right because when that becomes the only thing in life that you strive for, or that gives you satisfaction then maybe you need to reevaluate your way of living. Hard to say you’re living if you do that, you’re just existing. It’s a chore, not a pleasure.

This act of kindness I witnessed was something that I wish I took a photo of. It was a beautiful thing to see, mainly because it showed that strangers have a bigger heart than those we know at times. I was walking into Tesco (other supermarkets available, so please use them..got for Sainsburys, that’s a good one. Orange plastic bags and a good vegetarian section.) Outside the shop were two homeless men. I immediately wanted to buy them something to eat and drink. I always give money or food to the homeless. You just have to, you cannot ignore them. You should always help in any way you can. Last year at Pride (London..outside the same Tesco) it was late in the evening, so I went in and bought something to eat. It was the only vegetarian thing they had. Some excuse for pasta, no idea. I was looking around and I saw this man in the doorway, it was raining too. I left my friends for a few seconds and walked up to him and gave him the food I bought. I didn’t touch what I ate, I just gave him it. He tried to refuse, but I told him he had to take it because it was raining. I saw many people ignore him and I wanted him to know that someone was thinking of him. I think of this a lot, mainly because I hope he’s okay and safe.

The two men I saw yesterday were sat outside, and as I got nearer I saw they were both huddled under a leopard print blanket someone must have given them and they were also sharing a pizza that someone had bought for them. Strangers can offer more than we know. We are always told “don’t speak to strangers.” But why? Sometimes those that are the closest to us are the ones that do the most damage, and those who know nothing about us are the ones that can sometimes give us what we need; kindness and hope. I can contradict myself here with two things. I once helped someone who was (and still is) my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were 4 and have fallen out once. Anyway, I was at someone’s house and she was a horrible creature. She bullied everyone, and eventually picked on me because she was a fool. Anyway, she lived right near my best friend and she was being beyond horrible to her. She was riding round on her bike, and I had enough of her being horrible to my friend so (she was wearing a helmet and landed on a lot of grass) I pushed her off her bike when she came back around. My best friend and I ran to her house. I hid, and she told her mum what I did. She was fine with it and we ate pizza. I stuck up for my best friend because that’s what you do. Once, a stranger punched me in the face and nearly ripped my nose ring out. So I guess there are always exceptions. I didn’t retaliate. My hitting someone in a fight would be a comedy moment. I’d lose my balance and just punch myself in the face.

People always say, when you tell them what’s wrong, that someone else always has it worse. I think that does more harm than good. It just makes the person who feels bad, feel more shit than they already do. We need to be more compassionate and less judgemental. Not every homeless person is a junkie. Not every junkie is a bad person. Bad people are everywhere, as are good. It’s just we are exposed to negativity because sad-cases thrive off it. It’s a terrible way to be. Maybe I need to stop seeing the good in everyone, but we all deserve a chance. That’s basically what the point of this is, maybe you took something else from it. I have no idea. Just next time you see someone sleeping rough on the street, it wouldn’t hurt you to buy them a drink or give them some change. The kindness in strangers is needed; kindness in general is. If it was you, you’d want someone to help you in some way right?

“Waiting for the stars to align, there is a restless rain cloud in my mind. Heavy eyes fixed in the middle of the room.”

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Many have frequently stated that you must suffer for your art. I’m unsure how true this is, or if I even believe it. Surely if you are a good writer or painter, you can place yourself in various positions without having to hit rock bottom. You can empathise with those who are in a dark place rather than torturing yourself on a daily basis.

I write songs/poems. I personally think they are bloody awful. I don’t show them because I don’t want anyone to see how shit they are. However, I do have some stupid dream of having them published in a book one day. I haven’t done anything about it because the fear of rejection plagues me more than I want it to not because I am lazy. Some of what I have written is quite dark, but not because I feel so utterly hopeless and depressed. I know what depression. I’ve seen what it does to people, and I’ve never felt like that. People who say they are depressed but can still go out and function aren’t depressed. You cannot move, you cannot do a thing; that’s depression. My gran had it before I was born, and a bit when I was younger. Friends have battled with it, and there is nothing you can do but watch helplessly hoping one day it leaves them alone so they can go back to being the person they once were. You don’t need to be in love to write about love. Feelings of love and joy can fill you by watching a certain film, listening to a certain song or gazing at a piece of art. It is everywhere. Everything and nothing can be inspiring.

Being able to put yourself in the mind-set of others teaches you to be a more accepting and gentle person. I’ll happily be the first to admit that I am far too sensitive. I know I need to toughen up, but it just will not ever happen. I cannot be cruel to get something I want. I cannot harm someone on purpose; I’d rather just hug everyone instead. I’d like to think one day that being a gentle soul will go in my favour. Until then, I wait. Or just accept it. Same thing I suppose.

I’m drawn to the darker things. Dark songs, creepy literature. It is all fascinating. I’m not religious at all (I believe there’s a spiritual being above us all, but not in a powerful sense) but anything that questions God or whatever in songs really gets my attention. That’s why I love bands like Dum Dum Girls, Crocodiles and The Long Wives. There are religious references, but not in a “I BELIEVE IN GOD AND YOU MUST TOO” kind of way; far from it. I am all for people questioning each other in a non-threatening manner. I’m not religious but that doesn’t mean I’m going to belittle someone who does. We all have our own things to believe in; nobody should ever try to shy someone away from what they believe in. Unless it means promoting hatred and intolerance, then I’ve got an issue with it.

I honestly had no point in writing this. I never do. It’s a cheap outlet I suppose, as always. I just thin we need to stop thinking we must feel low and hopeless in order to achieve something great. You can function being a happy person. But it seems, when you are happy people have an issue with it. Yet when you feel like shit, people may deem you as being draining. You cannot win, so forget them. Yet I know it is hard. You do not need to suffer in order to do something of worth. You justify your own worth, not the objects and people that surround you.

That’ll do for now.