Here’s some good news for you- after having five applications to go home rejected because of this virus and border restrictions- I am finally home. My flight on Thursday was cancelled (the universe must have had its reasons which I’m fine with) but I arrived yesterday and after nearly 2 years from not seeing family and friends- I am home. Finally.
The sheer thrill you get from a band you adore and cherish so much releasing a new record is beyond comprehension. Sometimes a record comes out when you need it the most. Sometimes it comes when you least expect it, and you end up needing it more than you thought. One band in particular that evoke this is Cold Cave. My love for Cold Cave goes beyond the decade or so that they’ve been around. It all stemmed from my obsession with Wes Eisold’s way with words and his music with American Nightmare. You can’t compare American Nightmare to Cold Cave, but what you can relate is the sheer passion in his words and music.
Yesterday Cold Cave released their new record, Fate In Seven Lessons. These seven songs are guides for life, love and all that falls in between. The record is gorgeous, as ever. Cold Cave are incapable of making a bad record, and they just always seem to give us fans what we want and need. The words are poetic electric shocks to the soul and Wesley’s vocals are a safety net for us all. Night Light is for me, their most soothing song they’ve ever made. It just has something about it that gets you right in the gut, and all is okay with whatever is going on.
These seven songs are a guide for life. They are your companion when all seems strange; it is a sheer joy to listen to, and they just make you so proud to be a fan. I love the darkness and hope in the songs. I love how every song feels like it was made for YOU. Of course, these songs would sound heavenly live, but we have to wait for that. I don’t know how long we will have to wait here in the UK, but for now- the record is ours to treasure.
The melancholy gives you a strong sense of hope, lust, love and longing. Psalm 23 has this heaviness to it that just makes you lose it. That instrumental part (you know when it kicks in) just feels like it has brought you back to life. The whole record has a romantic and eerie mood, and I think that’s part of why I adore the record. This is what I love about Cold Cave- the unconventional romanticism. I love that every song was written by Wes and his partner, Amy Lee. Every song on this record is a love song and to make it even more beautiful, their song Rainer features on some songs. A beautiful family making beautiful music- what more could you want? There is so much joy on this record, and so much love. Love Is All is one of the most perfect love songs I’ve ever heard. It just gets to the core of love, and it is done in such an open way.
The last full-length record by Cold Cave was a decade ago. Cherish The Light Years was a masterpiece then, and is still a masterpiece. It still sounds so brand new and that’s part of the charm with Cold Cave. Everything you hear by them just feels like a sound explosion that you’ve never experienced before- no matter how many times you listen to it. There have been several EPs released over the last ten years since Cherish The Light Years, and everything Cold Cave has released feels like a step to creating the sound on this brand new record. Sure, it’s their heaviest in a way, but it’s probably one of the best things I will hear all year. My love for Cold Cave is permanently tattooed on my skin, and it is a tattoo that carries a lot of meaning and sentiment for me. This band have been a huge part of my life, and always will be. To hear this new batch of songs, and to really soak up this sound is just divine. Not much is certain in life, but I am certain that Cold Cave will never ever release a bad record.
It’s hard to pick a favourite, and I probably shouldn’t feel like I need to but for me Honey Flower may just creep up there as my favourite for now. But I reckon this will be a record that you never settle on having a favourite song on. There’s so much to love about this record; from the production to the lyrics. Everything on this record makes you feel like you are floating yet heading into a different world. I want to go where they are and stay.
Fate In Seven Lessons isn’t an EP nor is it a full length record, but we can just agree that this is a remarkable record and is easily one of the best things we will hear all year.
Some bands stay consistently good, but there are a select few for me that are just always mind-blowing. My love for Cold Cave will be approaching its tenth year next year, but my love for Wesley Eisold and his words go back further. Cold Cave are a band that have always been a lifeline for me, and I can honestly say that their fans are the best. There is something so remarkable about Cold Cave fans, and I think it really does come from Wes’ glorious way with words. Yesterday they released You & Me & Infinity- a four song EP that has a similar sound to their Love Comes Close record.
You & Me & Infinity is yet again another brilliant release by Cold Cave, and is one I can say I will hold close to me. It is a combination of Wes’ words, the musicianship and the urgency and passion in his voice. The sound is dramatic but not in an irritating or bland way. It is deeply passionate and deeply moving. For me, and probably most fans of theirs- I regard Wes as a poet. His got the same way with words as Baudelaire and the eeriness of Poe. Musically, lyrically Cold Cave are beyond all I have ever heard. Cold Cave are a band that I can listen to irrespective of my mood, and they will stir up feelings like no other. There is so much hope, love and lust in the music but they aren’t afraid at all to touch on despair, rage and destruction.
This EP has four songs that just utterly reinforce my love for Cold Cave and it also shows how in the near decade of their existence that they have become one of the greatest bands ever. I know this is all my opinion and is obviously biased, but when it comes to Cold Cave I only know how to write one way- and that is with sheer love and devotion. For the past month I’ve been wanting to find a piece of music that sums up how I’ve felt about leaving a city that broke me to moving to a city I should have always been in. The move has been calm, and this record is calming. It feels like home. That’s how Cold Cave have always been for me.
Glory and Nothing Is True But You are perfect love songs. They are full of love and deep admiration. You can keep your generic flowers and sunshine love songs. I’ll stick to Wes’ words- they hit deeper and mean so much more. I feel like Cold Cave have been such an important part of my life, and I am constantly in awe of what they do. I love the relationship between Wes and Amy. I love how their love for each other merges into their music- it makes it easier to connect with and believe in.
The record ends on My Heart Is Immortal, and it is the best song to close the record on because it immediately makes you start the record all over again. The wonderful synth sound with hypnotic and the way Wes and Amy’s work together is nothing short of perfect and pure. There is something truly wonderful and magnetic about Cold Cave. I found a home in Wes words and my own take on peace in the music
I feel as if words do not do Cold Cave justice. I guess that’s why so many of us that love them have tattoos showing our love for them etched upon our skin. The love is forever, the music is forever, the words are forever. Cold Cave are eternal.
“Sometimes I fantasise When the streets are cold and lonely And the cars they burn below me Don’t these times fill your eyes When the streets are cold and lonely And the cars, they burn below me.”
People will always want to change you. They can be people who are insignificant to you (in the long run) or they can be people who claim to “know” you. They will want to change the way you cut your hair to the way you are. At what age does this stop? Does it ever stop?
Self-acceptance is hard for most people. We all have things we cannot stand about ourselves, and they are usually the things we cannot change. The things we can change, we put off because we know we can deal with it “later.” It is always later isn’t it. Not today, but tomorrow. I’m not criticising those who do this, I do it myself. I probably do it more times than I should. I should wear more colour, but I won’t. I should probably not just wear band t-shirts and jeans, but I know I always will. I’m comfortable in the clothes I wear. The person I am? That’s not for here. People can make you feel utterly terrible about yourself, and something happened a few weeks ago that, with me being too sensitive for my own good- I took it to heart.
I had a job interview a few weeks ago, it was my second one for the same job. I was good enough for a second interview. That’s a positive right? I take my piercings out (I took my lip piercing out for good a month ago so all I have is a nose piercing) and I cover up my tattoos. I wear smart (and clean) clothes to interviews. We live in a world where we pretend things are accepted, but they rarely are. A lot of people still do think those with tattoos and piercings are bad people. Hitler didn’t have his nose pierced. Myra Hindley didn’t have her lip pierced. They are bad people; without piercings. You see my point right?
So I went for my second interview. I thought it was going well, until was asked a question that made me feel so uncomfortable and so small, I just wanted to go home. I was asked, “If I gave you the job- could you change how you look and would you?” I know I’m a sensitive person, and I know I’m not attractive at all- but does it need pointing out in a job interview of all places? Job interviews are terrifying enough, but come on now.
I’ve been trying to work out what made them ask such a question, and I really don’t understand. I didn’t think they could. If you must know, I went against everything I stand for and said yes to their question. I said yes because I really really need a fucking job. I said yes because every day I am sat at home applying for a job is another day of self-loathing. I have friends, if I can call them that, who refer to people as being on Job Seekers as “scum” amongst other things. I’m scum, apparently. To me, scum are those who harm children, those who rape and those who kill. Not people who need help with getting by. I’m aware there are people who play the system, I’m not totally stupid. But everyone has their own struggle- so don’t judge.
I’m sick of being asked “what jobs have you applied for? Maybe you should aim lower.” I’m 27 years old; shouldn’t I have a career by now? I’ll never be paid to write, and I find myself compromising myself when I apply for jobs. I disregard the fact that writing and music make me happy. I lie and lie just to get somewhere. I’m getting nowhere. And I am so tired. I am so fucking tired.
I have no point with this, I really don’t. I don’t want to be a fraud. I can’t keep going back and forth with having a job to being on JSA again. I really can’t.
It’s the time of year where everyone voices their opinion on what was good and what was shit about this year, musically. Most do it all the time anyway and these lists are of course, boring. As someone who isn’t exactly thrilling, I might as well add to the boring lists much like I did last year. And probably the year before that. I’ve not got an impressive memory so I’ll start with songs that where out this year that I really liked. And by that I mean constantly playing them until I wished to never hear them again. I still play them. Music doesn’t bore me. Well, music I like doesn’t bore me.
For the past week I’ve been ill. Some kind of cold/flu thing. I missed the Peace gig last Saturday. That was pretty shit. But I was sensible, and I suppose it was for the best. A constant earache which is causing headaches and a constant feel of tiredness/exhaustion. Never mind. I’m here to write about what matters to me- music. Let’s see if I can write this without wanting to change my mind every 5 minutes. This will be in no order, aside from the last song I mention because that will be my favourite of the year. Here we go:
Say Lou Lou- Feels Like We Only Go Backwards. Elektra and Miranda’s cover of this Tame Impala song is beautiful. Yes I could have mentioned Beloved or Better In The Dark. I chose this cover because they did it in a way that makes you feel as if they wrote it. I play this song most evenings on the tube home from work. Resting my head against the window and all I see are street lights. Everything is lit up perfectly, and this song evokes solitude. A state of bliss yet frustrations of never being able to get ahead. Something I think most can relate to. I finally saw Say Lou Lou live the day after my birthday in November, and it was such a magical thing to be part of. Their voices are angelic but can portray pain in a way most spend their life trying to figure out. There is something wonderfully charming about them. Something which you cannot get out of your head, and I’m just fine with that.
Deptford Goth- Bloody Lip. Pretty much everything I just said above about Say Lou Lou can be said for Daniel. His debut record, Life After Defo was one of the best to have come out this year. It was just a step ahead of everything I’ve been listening to, but also quite different from the bands I’ve been listening to. His music is ideal to listen to late at night when nobody else is around. Whether you’re laying in bed searching for answers or on the late train home with nothing much to occupy you. His music soothes the soul. His gentle voice offers reassurance for those times when you aren’t so sure. (I wanted to pick Union but that came out in 2012.)
Cold Cave- People Are Poison. After waiting years, I finally got to see Cold Cave this year. Seeing Wes and Amy live was a brilliant experience. I wasn’t really sure which Cold Cave song I wanted to pick. Originally I wanted to go with A Little Death To Laugh, but after listening to People Are Poison a few more times- I made my choice, of course I am likely to want to change my mind but for now I’m sticking with People Are Poison. Cold Cave are a band that have meant a lot to me for a long time, and Wes’ words have been my crutch for even longer (listen to American Nightmare) and he just has this brilliant way of unleashing fury and the like in a way that seems less daunting to carry around.
Ezra Furman- Tell ‘Em All To Go To Hell. I just love Ezra. He’s the kind of person you’d want to be in a band with, tour the world with. Get lost on the motorway with him and write an album’s worth of songs whilst waiting for help. The sax on this song is awesome. My girlfriend has a saxophone, but I doubt she’d want me to try play along to this song. Or any song. I fully appreciate that. I’d probably cause the windows to shake and break. I just love the opening line; “I’m a runaway dog and I’m kicking up dust. In a Chevy Express with a hood full of rust.”For me, that opening line is on par with Search And Destroy by The Stooges; “I’m a street walkin’ cheetah with a heart full of napalm.”They DO make them like they used to, you just got to dig a bit deeper to find it.
PINS-Girls Like Us. Easily could mention every song off their debut record which finally came out this year. PINS are amazing live, anyone who’s seen them knows exactly how fascinating they are to watch. I chose Girls Like Us because it feels like a pleasurable punch to the face. I was going to go with To You, but there’s something about Girls Like Us which has an anthemic feel to it. It pumps you up and makes you feel as if you are part of something that makes you tougher than you initially thought you were. I just think PINS are one of the most exciting bands to come out of England in a very long time. Quite frankly, they are Manchester’s finest.
LOOM- I Get A Taste. There aren’t many bands around who posses the same energy that The Jesus And Mary Chain had. Not many are willing to express this rage and the like in that kind of way. It’s too much for them, they physically cannot do it. At least we have a band who are willing to do that. I remember liking their Facebook page and they virtually no one aware of who they are. Thankfully people are starting to listen, and they are seeing just how exciting they really are. They are beyond brutal and I think if you don’t feel as if you’ve been beaten up after you’ve listened to them, you’re not doing it right. I’ve yet to see them live, something always gets in the way of me doing so. Pretty such people will leave their shows with bloody faces and ripped clothes. Just as it should be!
Autumns- Who Would Have Thought. Soft Power Records are pretty much my favourite record label. They’ve been behind the best releases this year, and have exposed me to some truly great music over the past year and a bit. Out of all of their releases, Autumns has been one that’s stuck out the most. Autumns is just one guy making a lot of noise. He’s Derry’s answer to Dirty Beaches. He plays with this admirable passion that just leaves you stunned. He makes you want to pick up a guitar and make your own scene- to hell with what anyone else thinks or says. Who Would Have Thought really shows how brilliant he is, and how fearless he is with his music. He’s someone who is constantly leaving me in awe with what he does. I sincerely hope 2014 is just as amazing for him as 2013 was. He really does deserve it.
Royal Chant- Did You Pay Cash For That Panic Attack? Okay so this was recorded last year, but the video came out in January, so we’ll go with the date of the video. I love Royal Chant. I think Mark is an exceptional song-writer. Mainly because he manages to write the songs I wish I could. They’re good guys with big hearts, and I’ve vowed to not leave their side when they come to the UK. Did You Pay Cash is a tidal wave of unapologetic angst. They’re (pardon my language) fucking brilliant. I don’t know what I’d do without them. I went with this song because it immediately meant a lot to me. You can’t put a price on that nor are there words good enough to express it. They know though. They know.
Dum Dum Girls-Lost Boys And Girls Club. I’m just going to call Too True as being the best record of 2014. Nothing else needs to be released next year. It’s ALL about Too True. Lost Boys And Girls Club is not like previous Dum Dum Girls songs, and that’s why I’m a huge fan. Every record and EP they’ve put out has always been different from the last. Dee Dee isn’t afraid to experiment with sounds and be brutally honest with her words. Coming Down remains one of the few songs to truly pick me up when everything is just wrong. Dum Dum Girls make music to get lost in, and to also find yourself in. I love this song because it stays with that dream like/hazy feel that is always present in their songs. Dee Dee’s delicate voice is like a reassurance, a call to safety. It just takes you to where you want to be. Lost Boys And Girls Club feels like the ending of a party and you’re watching the sun rise on your own, but you feel alright in doing so. I could quite happily write a thousand plus words about why I love this song. I think all reasoning will come to life when I finally see the band on Saturday. You have no idea how excited I am about seeing them.
CROCODILES- ME AND MY MACHINE GUN. This was tough. At first I thought I wanted to go with I Like It In The Dark. Then I toyed with Teardrop Guitar. Then my mind flirted with She Splits Me Up. Basically, this was tough. I didn’t know which Crocodiles song to go with. This year I got to see them live twice and I got to hang out with Charlie and Brandon before one of their shows for an interview. I had waited since early 2009 to see them live, and to see them twice this year just really did make my year. Crimes Of Passion is an incredible record. It’s one I play every single day on the way to work and on the journey home too. There’s something about it that just blows my mind with every listen. I went with Me And My Machine Gun because it just captures everything I love about Crocodiles. “On the battlefield, search for something I can feel. Just so I can shoot him up. He may be tough but he’s no match for me and my machine. We don’t take no shit from anyone.”The machine gun can be your loved one, anything you want really. This is a gorgeous song to see live, especially the instrumental at the end. It just catapults you into a different world. Everything about Crocodiles is all I want from a band, and from music.
Maybe I won’t change my mind. I think this is a pretty solid list. However, there are some bands that blew my mind this year and they deserve a mention:
Little Death Machine
Mikey & The Drags.
(PS Dirty Beaches will be mentioned on my record of the year..soon!)
There are many bands that express our disdain towards the world in a way better than we ever could. At times it does get frustrating when we cannot do it, but when we find those who can do it in a way better than our own- we cling onto them. We cling onto them as if they were some kind of religious figure. I don’t believe in a god, but you get my point. We cling onto them for hope, guidance and a way to pull through. Every single time I listen to Cold Cave I am reminded of just how powerful they are. How influential Wes’ words are to me, and have been for many years- regardless of which band of his it is.
This year I finally saw Cold Cave live. I saw them in what I felt to be the best place, the Electrowerkz in London. The venue is dark, sweaty and creepy. I couldn’t imagine seeing them anywhere else. I was in awe of Amy and Wes; how they transported you into a world where you felt safe and accepted. Of course when you go outside, this feeling isn’t always the case. But I’m old enough now to not want to seek acceptance or approval. I’d rather waste my time and thoughts on something else.
Nausea, The Earth And Me is 6 minutes of intensity and truth. Yet again Wes shows here just exactly why he is one of the greatest lyricists around. His ability to capture the feelings we try to push aside is just wonderful. A prime example of this is:
“Tell me how does strength make a difference, When all I ever strongly feel is indifference.”
The bravery that you feel coming through on this song is a real source of comfort, you feel human again as you listen to Wes’ voice and take in his words. The boredom we feel when we are forced to hear people speak, when really they should just be quiet. Sometimes it is really exhausting to listen; switching off is easy and is sometimes for the best. The world can make you feel ill and can turn your stomach at the very thought of some people’s actions. It’s alright to turn your back. My back is probably better than my front, but only just,
Cold Cave have put out some really pure and passionate songs this year; Nausea, The Earth And Me is probably the most exquisite of them all as it just builds throughout. A Little Death To Laugh is constantly floating through my head, but there is something about this one that just cements the Cold Cave sound. A sound which unifies lost souls and tired bones.
“Tell me why am I even listening, When you’ve never said a thing I want to hear.”
Wes’ words are from the heart straight to the soul. Without them, I’d see and feel no hope. They’re everything and beyond, for always.
Having the person who’s music dragged you through hell and back and back some more, to have them sing the words that went right into your heart and made everything wrong alright again is something that is truly overwhelming. It leaves you with a smile carved onto your stained heart.
After waiting close to 5 years to see Cold Cave, tonight I finally did. Right at the front leaning on a speaker in a venue that instantly became the best place I had ever seen a band or singer.
The way in which Wes thrashes the mic stand about in a fit of fury and undeniable passion, it immediately becomes infectious. I didn’t sing to the songs, instead my body became the most free it has been in a long time. I felt it was just me and the band. Maybe tonight was all in my head. It’s going to be in my heart for the rest of my life.
Hearing songs like Hello Rats (my most personal favorite) live changes everything. It adds something to your life that not much else can. Maybe this is because I love music in such a deep and passionate way. It says the things that I simply cannot say.
What I’ve loved about Cold Cave for so long is Wesley’s way with words. From American Nightmare to Cold Cave, his words have always been a safety net for me. And for someone who isn’t a fan of the skin they are in, tonight I didn’t feel so ugly.
I’m writing this on the tube home trying to take in everything I witnessed and felt tonight. The love Wes and Amy have for each other is so beautiful to see. As he aggressively thrashes the mic stand, he becomes so calm stood next to her. We all have that one person who does that to us, and when you have it-it is for the rest of your life.
The dark stage, the dingy room; the whole atmosphere was romantic and ethereal. I closed my eyes and moved my body. I closed my eyes and I felt okay in my body.
Wes frequently walked to the edge of the stage, a drop of his sweat fell on my head. My girlfriend has told me to shower when I get home.
Tonight changed and stirred something inside. I’m aware this isn’t a typical review of a show, but typical is something we must shy away from. It was clear that Amy and Wes were humbled by the show. It was a beautiful evening.
The projector behind them said “There is hope.” Words can mean more than actions, Cold Cave proved that tonight
One person can be the voice of so many; yet not many may be familiar with this person. The underdog representing the underdog, and evoking every feeling possible. Whether it is the purity of lust or the disgust in deceit. One person can sum it all up so simply and elegantly. One person can make you realise all that you are, and fix most parts of you that you never knew how to sort out. You start to line everything up and shoot down the problems. One by one- you get better. What else could work?
Wes Eisold is my generation’s Morrissey. Not his voice, not his music- but his words. His words echo everything a human being could want and seeks. He’s my modern-day Morrissey because he sums up the ugly feelings in such beauty. You’re missing out if you’re not familiar. I have Morrissey’s words running through me day after day. Every single day. Not a day goes by where a song by him doesn’t sum everything up. The same goes for Cold Cave and a small amount of others. People Are Poison is a prime example as to why a chunk of my heart is in debt (forever) to Wes.
I became a fan exactly the same time I became a fan of Crocodiles. I picked up their records one day when my heart was smashed and I just needed music. Within weeks I was fixed up. Within weeks I let everything go, and left the past alone. People flirt with their past because they have no idea how to cope with what they have now, and what they will become in the future. Some people really are poison. I know some who are. Maybe they know they are poison too. Fortunately for me and them; we will never meet again. That’s the beauty of packing up and leaving everything. Drop it and start all over.
People Are Poison is dark and have a ferocious feel to it. Delicately rambunctious on the ear. It is going to please most/all Cold Cave fans; because let’s be honest here, Wes can do no wrong. People Are Poison has everything I want a Cold Cave song. EVERYTHING. As I listen to it, I am falling back in love with them. When I go back to the gym later (twice a day..check my motivation!) I’m more than likely just going to blast Cold Cave in my ears. I won’t care for the sweat falling off my face; I’ll just be driven by one of my favourite bands ever. That’s how it is, that’s how I function.
The song is menacing, musically. But Wes’ voice, as always, just seduces you in the purest way imaginable. You can feel parts of you drift off to him, just knowing he is saying everything you’ve been building up over time. Time..time..time. It is frail and we take advantage of it. And time does the same to us. The heavy intro is carried throughout; which is also lures you in too. As soon as Wes starts to sing, the heart flutters..races. Pick up the pace. You realise that a lot of people are poison. Politicians for example. Authority figures. People you used to know. Do you think about the time you were at your worst? Were you poison too? Or did you just have it trickle into your bloodstream?
I’ve essentially not really told you about the song, have I? Well, you don’t need to read anything I’ve written. I just felt like it. Go listen to the song. Go buy it from http://www.deathwishinc.com as part of the Oceans With No End 7″.
If the mind could take a holiday, would you let it or would you let yourself carry on? Bad things happen and good people go unnoticed. Too many people want to be famous, anonymity is no longer sought after. It’s a shame. Everything is shame; especially when you cannot do anything about it. We remember bad news because it lasts longer than anything good. We condition ourselves to cling onto the bad because it’s a sick form of comfort. The good slips through, as does time. As much as I dislike the concept of time I am utterly fascinated by it. Yesterday I had a job interview near Camden, so afterwards I went for a walk around Camden. On my own. It was pissing down with rain and I wandered round listening to music. If it wasn’t so grim outside, I’d have stayed longer. Camden isn’t my favourite place in London, far from it. I’m not really sure where my favourite place is in London. I just love that city. I used to hate it. I’m not sure why I hated it so much. Now? Now I have less positive feelings for the North of England. Maybe it’s a shame, maybe it isn’t. But you see, the North is always tinted with a shade of grey. London isn’t. It has something else, like no other. Or maybe I’m just really pleased with myself that I can use the tube all by myself without getting lost. Proud moment.
I wandered around the city a few times. No one knew me, and I didn’t know them. When I thought I got lost I just went a different way and got to where I wanted to go. Even if I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be there; I still got there. Time, patience and being aware. In a way, I could apply that to life. My life to be exact. Of course I could. I should. I’m going to try. I took great comfort in nobody knowing who I was. Not caring if I bumped into someone I knew. Stopping to talk to a friend in the street is something I’m not a fan of. I’d rather just sit down with them somewhere. Standing in the street to discuss events and emotions seems to informal. Also, you’re in the way of passers-by. If there’s one thing I dislike, it’s me being in the way of someone. Keeping distance is an art-form. I think I’ve gently got to grips with it. It’s not a tight grip; it never is.
It’s that time of year where I hate myself even more for not having a job or money. Christmas doesn’t bother me; it’s not having money to not go to SXSW that really gets to me. As a music obsessive, SXSW is my idea of heaven. I’ve never been to a music festival nor do I ever want to go to one. Stand in a field surrounded by drunken twats that smell of piss listening to the outline of bass rather than an actual song? No thanks. If I wanted that, I’d go to a club. And I don’t like clubs. SXSW seems like a classier affair. Where people actually care about music. No one is there to get so drunk they throw up and pass out. They are there to discover new music in brilliant venues. Bands from all over the world are there. Shit..last year The Jesus And Mary Chain played. I watched a bit of it on the internet and felt a rush of self-hate mixed with love for that band merge as one. I don’t know what I felt, but I just wished I was there. One year, I will go. I just have to. Maybe I should play the lottery, maybe that’d increase my chances.
I haven’t written anything for a while. I don’t know why. I haven’t even written any lyrics or poetry in my notebooks for a long time. I expect too much from myself at times with that. I’m not some literary machine. I never will be. I’ll take inspiration where I can, and when. I’m 100% sure I’d have found a lot at SXSW.
But all is not bad. After waiting for many years, I finally have tickets to see Beach House in 2 weeks in London. Two days after I’m seeing Foals. If there was an award for “Best Girlfriend In The Universe” mine would win. Not only just for this, but for her general being.
So this week will be spent mostly wishing I was at SXSW in small and sweaty venues with bands that would blow my mind. There’s always Record Store Day to look forward to.
My love for Cold Cave is grand, but my love for them is also saddened today after hearing that former member Justin Benoit had died. You don’t need to know someone personally to feel sad about their passing.
Justin was part of a band that helped me grow up and face up to adulthood, amongst other painful life chores. He was part of band that provided more comfort than I could imagine a band ever doing so. I don’t need to write an essay about this for it is obvious from anyone who knew him how awful this loss is.
Wherever he is now, I hope he is safe and at peace. R.I.P Justin xx
Many have frequently stated that you must suffer for your art. I’m unsure how true this is, or if I even believe it. Surely if you are a good writer or painter, you can place yourself in various positions without having to hit rock bottom. You can empathise with those who are in a dark place rather than torturing yourself on a daily basis.
I write songs/poems. I personally think they are bloody awful. I don’t show them because I don’t want anyone to see how shit they are. However, I do have some stupid dream of having them published in a book one day. I haven’t done anything about it because the fear of rejection plagues me more than I want it to not because I am lazy. Some of what I have written is quite dark, but not because I feel so utterly hopeless and depressed. I know what depression. I’ve seen what it does to people, and I’ve never felt like that. People who say they are depressed but can still go out and function aren’t depressed. You cannot move, you cannot do a thing; that’s depression. My gran had it before I was born, and a bit when I was younger. Friends have battled with it, and there is nothing you can do but watch helplessly hoping one day it leaves them alone so they can go back to being the person they once were. You don’t need to be in love to write about love. Feelings of love and joy can fill you by watching a certain film, listening to a certain song or gazing at a piece of art. It is everywhere. Everything and nothing can be inspiring.
Being able to put yourself in the mind-set of others teaches you to be a more accepting and gentle person. I’ll happily be the first to admit that I am far too sensitive. I know I need to toughen up, but it just will not ever happen. I cannot be cruel to get something I want. I cannot harm someone on purpose; I’d rather just hug everyone instead. I’d like to think one day that being a gentle soul will go in my favour. Until then, I wait. Or just accept it. Same thing I suppose.
I’m drawn to the darker things. Dark songs, creepy literature. It is all fascinating. I’m not religious at all (I believe there’s a spiritual being above us all, but not in a powerful sense) but anything that questions God or whatever in songs really gets my attention. That’s why I love bands like Dum Dum Girls, Crocodiles and The Long Wives. There are religious references, but not in a “I BELIEVE IN GOD AND YOU MUST TOO” kind of way; far from it. I am all for people questioning each other in a non-threatening manner. I’m not religious but that doesn’t mean I’m going to belittle someone who does. We all have our own things to believe in; nobody should ever try to shy someone away from what they believe in. Unless it means promoting hatred and intolerance, then I’ve got an issue with it.
I honestly had no point in writing this. I never do. It’s a cheap outlet I suppose, as always. I just thin we need to stop thinking we must feel low and hopeless in order to achieve something great. You can function being a happy person. But it seems, when you are happy people have an issue with it. Yet when you feel like shit, people may deem you as being draining. You cannot win, so forget them. Yet I know it is hard. You do not need to suffer in order to do something of worth. You justify your own worth, not the objects and people that surround you.