“I don’t have the time for a graveyard of the mind that they call shame.”

7 03 2014

 

 

“Sometimes I fantasise
When the streets are cold and lonely
And the cars they burn below me
Don’t these times fill your eyes
When the streets are cold and lonely
And the cars, they burn below me.”

 

People will always want to change you. They can be people who are insignificant to you (in the long run) or they can be people who claim to “know” you. They will want to change the way you cut your hair to the way you are. At what age does this stop? Does it ever stop?

Self-acceptance is hard for most people. We all have things we cannot stand about ourselves, and they are usually the things we cannot change. The things we can change, we put off because we know we can deal with it “later.” It is always later isn’t it. Not today, but tomorrow. I’m not criticising those who do this, I do it myself. I probably do it more times than I should. I should wear more colour, but I won’t. I should probably not just wear band t-shirts and jeans, but I know I always will. I’m comfortable in the clothes I wear. The person I am? That’s not for here. People can make you feel utterly terrible about yourself, and something happened a few weeks ago that, with me being too sensitive for my own good- I took it to heart.

I had a job interview a few weeks ago, it was my second one for the same job. I was good enough for a second interview. That’s a positive right? I take my piercings out (I took my lip piercing out for good a month ago so all I have is a nose piercing) and I cover up my tattoos. I wear smart (and clean) clothes to interviews. We live in a world where we pretend things are accepted, but they rarely are. A lot of people still do think those with tattoos and piercings are bad people. Hitler didn’t have his nose pierced. Myra Hindley didn’t have her lip pierced. They are bad people; without piercings. You see my point right?

So I went for my second interview. I thought it was going well, until  was asked a question that made me feel so uncomfortable and so small, I just wanted to go home. I was asked, “If I gave you the job- could you change how you look and would you?” I know I’m a sensitive person, and I know I’m not attractive at all- but does it need pointing out in a job interview of all places? Job interviews are terrifying enough, but come on now.

I’ve been trying to work out what made them ask such a question, and I really don’t understand. I didn’t think they could. If you must know, I went against everything I stand for and said yes to their question.  I said yes because I really really need a fucking job. I said yes because every day I am sat at home applying for a job is another day of self-loathing. I have friends, if I can call them that, who refer to people as being on Job Seekers as “scum” amongst other things. I’m scum, apparently. To me, scum are those who harm children, those who rape and those who kill. Not people who need help with getting by. I’m aware there are people who play the system, I’m not totally stupid. But everyone has their own struggle- so don’t judge.

I’m sick of being asked “what jobs have you applied for? Maybe you should aim lower.” I’m 27 years old; shouldn’t I have a career by now? I’ll never be paid to write, and I find myself compromising myself when I apply for jobs. I disregard the fact that writing and music make me happy. I lie and lie just to get somewhere. I’m getting nowhere. And I am so tired. I am so fucking tired.

I have no point with this, I really don’t. I don’t want to be a fraud. I can’t keep going back and forth with having a job to being on JSA again. I really can’t.

But then again, maybe I’m just too sensitive.

Have some songs:





THE STONE ROSES-Made Of Stone.

21 02 2014

 


“Sometimes I fantasise,
When the streets are cold and lonely,
And the cars they burn below me.
Don’t these times fill your eyes.”

 

On Tuesday evening just before I went to see Warpaint, I was walking to meet my friends and as I was walking a man selling The Big Issue stopped me, and said “I love The Stone Roses!” I was wearing my t-shirt of the band, and we ended up having a 10 minute conversation about The Stone Roses and other Manchester bands. He told me all about the Hacienda club and what is was like back then. He asked me what my favourite song by The Stone Roses was. I said I couldn’t choose between Waterfall and Made Of Stone. His favourite is Sally Cinnamon. This Mancunian man was a pleasure to talk to, and I hope if anyone sees him outside Sainburys near Koko in London that they speak to him. Strangers are always more pleasant aren’t they. They are able to see the things that people who apparently know us miss. I could speak to anyone about music. I probably feel more comfortable speaking to someone who doesn’t know me because they won’t dismiss me as being weird or claiming that all the music I listen to is “depressing.”

At 4 minutes and 15 seconds, Made Of Stone is easily one of the best songs ever recorded. I love Ian Brown’s vocals on this song so much. There’s so much sincerity in his voice throughout their debut record (of course it is in everything he does, but there is something much stronger in the band’s debut record.)

Everyone has their own take on what a song means to them and in general. The thing that is so beautiful about The Stone Roses’ songs is you can really make their songs personal to you. You can find sheer bliss in songs such as Waterfall and She Bangs The Drums. You can find the ability to face up to how shit people can be with songs such as I Am The Resurrection and Shoot You Down. For me, Made Of Stone has the most meaning. I think the way that you can truly get lost in this song is just perfect. The chorus really gets me in the gut and it is one of those songs that you think was written for you.

The Stone Roses have influenced so many bands that I love, and songs such as Made Of Stone make you wish you could make beautiful music like this. There’s such determination in their debut record that I can hear in the bands that I love and have cited them as an influence. Thing is, if you’re going to list them as an influence the chances are that you are going to be equally brilliant.

There are certain times in music that you know will never be replicated again. We’ll never have the fury of Punk again, we’ll never experience a singer/song-writer like Bob Dylan again. There will never be a lyricist like Morrissey again and there won’t be anyone as powerful as Patti Smith again. You can put The Stone Roses and the late 80s/early 90s Manchester music scene in there also. However, Manchester is still a thriving place for music. Many will cling onto Liverpool with sweaty palms as the home of music because of The Beatles. I’m not a fan of them, so of course I’ll dismiss it. Scotland has and is producing some of the most incredible music. Manchester is home to three of the best bands to have ever existed (The Smiths, The Fall and The Stone Roses.) Manchester is STILL one of the best places of music. Just listen to bands like PINS and you will hear just how powerful and passionate the music there is.

The Stone Roses were made for Manchester, but they won the hearts of so many across the world. They are still being heard for the first time by people every day, and they too are being blown away by how great they are. For me, Made Of Stone sums up the desperation of loneliness that takes people over at times. It’s the perfect song to listen to as you roam the streets; heading nowhere in particular. You don’t always need a set destination. You shouldn’t feel bad for every feeling unsure.

The Stone Roses give you confidence as you listen to them, and songs like Made Of Stone comfort you as you close your eyes and picture something so far removed from where you are. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming and existing somewhere else in your mind. It’s the most powerful thing that you own, and to use it freely takes guts; The Stone Roses allow you to do so in a different way with their music, especially with Made Of Stone. If I was someone who was just hearing them for the first time, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. When I listen to them now (which is pretty much on a daily basis) I get this overwhelming feeling of hearing something really rare. There will never be a band quite like The Stone Roses. You read their lyrics, and it is fairly obvious that Ian Brown was painting the world in a way that projects frustration and the desire to do more. There is something about him that makes me think of Morrissey and his way with words. Maybe it’s a Northern thing, and that’s a bloody good thing.

My conversation with the man on Tuesday evening about The Stone Roses will stay with me because I will remember how his face lit up as soon as we spoke about The Stone Roses and bands from Manchester. To see a person be that moved by a band was lovely to see and hear. The Stone Roses are a band that, when they first came out spoke to a lot of people. And they are the people who are still devoted to them Just watch the film, Made Of Stone that Shane Meadows made about them and you’ll see just how deeply devoted some people are to that band. Everyone has that one band in particular that they are that committed to. No other band comes close. They drop everything to follow them around the world, will camp outside the venue of where they are doing a one-off show. It’s beautiful.

Made Of Stone posses everything I want in a song. The honest lyrics, the hypnotic music and a voice I can believe in.

To the guy I met on Tuesday evening, this is for you.





THE STONE ROSES.

12 01 2014

“Have you seen her have you heard
The way she plays there are no words
To describe the way I feel.”

 

This weekend I finally watched one of the greatest music films ever made. Of course the film was about a band I’ve kept close to me, but have never been vocal about. I realised the only people who would understand my love for The Stone Roses were middle-aged men from the North of England. I’m perfectly alright with this, as I do realise there are people closer to my age that TRULY get the importance of The Stone Roses. However it is a love that is as sacred as my love for Morrissey. The best bands/singers have a cult-like following. If you’ve seen Made Of Stone, you’ll know what I mean. Many moments in the film reduced me to tears. The love people have for The Stone Roses is just beautiful and pure. The kind of love that some bands will never experience- they can only hope for it. It is rare. The Stone Roses are a rare band, and as I listen to them I can hear their influence in the bands that I love.

Their debut record is easily one of the greatest records ever made. I’d place it closely next to Psychocandy; extremely closely. Both have this sound that is constantly being attempted to be recreated, of course there will never be another band like them. But to hear the influences they have in the bands that I love is just beautiful. The bands I listen to have the fury of The Jesus And Mary Chain. The bands I love have that euphoric style of The Stone Roses.

When you can describe why you love a band without getting flustered, then maybe you don’t love them as much as you thought. When you love a band so much it makes you verbally weak and stops you in your tracks; that’s when you know. When the opening chords of a song choke you up and when certain lines just wrap around you like a security blanket; that’s when you know you have found a band that you are going to love for life.

My love for The Stone Roses hit me in the early 90s. I was in awe with Ian Brown’s presence. I was really young but I was old enough to know I was watching one of the greatest bands ever. Fronted by one of the greatest leaders. There was something about what I saw (yes it was Fool’s Gold) that made me realise I was never going to listen to or be interested in anything everyone else around me was. Music will always take up a large chunk of my life. I’d rather buy a record than a loaf of bread. I’d rather wear jeans with holes in so I can buy a band I like next release. Some call it stupid; but you have to be passionate about something in life or you might as well be dead.

The Stone Roses are a band that speak to those who wanted more from what was around them. Unsure of how to get it (and it never goes away, I know) their music was an outlet for those quiet furies that became obnoxiously loud. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe I could have summed it up by saying The Stone Roses are probably the greatest band ever, but there’s no fun in that.

I Am The Resurrection is the perfect song to play when you need to get rid of the junk in your life. The drums are perfect in this song. But the thing is, with The Stone Roses they had the best of everything in the band. They still do; so you can’t pick their best song because each one just shows how brilliant they are. However, I Am The Resurrection is one of the best “fuck you’s” I’ve ever heard. Never waste your time hating someone because nobody is worthy of such a powerful and vile emotion. Still, it’s a bloody brilliant song that you have to sing as loudly as you physically can when you hear it. I think the same goes for every song by them to be honest. The last 3 and a half minutes of this song are what euphoric dreams are made of. John Squire leads you into this world where you just lose your mind completely. He’s like the pied piper of guitar playing.

Of course I will never be able to sum up my love for them, but they way they combine 60s Psychedelic music with the backbone of Punk is something I just adore about them. Made Of Stone is the one song that immediately brings tears to my eyes. The way Ian sings “Sometimes I fantasize, when the streets are cold and lonely….” There is something truly special about this song, and everyone has their own take on it. Personally, I think you should just let songs mean whatever you want them to mean to you.

When you read back on their lyrics, you wonder why they aren’t studied in literature classes. I guess Going Down is one they may pass on for obvious reasons, but their lyrics when you read them, you sort of read them in a Beat Poet kind of fashion. What’s so special about The Stone Roses is that their lyrics are equally important now as they were back then. They evidently will always be one of the most influential bands ever. Writing about them has been seemingly scattered, but when you love a band so much you cannot arrange your thoughts in a clear way. All you can do is pour them out in the only way you know how.

This Is The One is the song I hold the highest sentimental value for. When I listen to it, I guess it comes close to describing my love for them. The Stone Roses were a band that so many were waiting for. They are the kind of band that posses this rare quality that no other could ever come close to. If I was hearing them for the first time now, they would without a doubt, inspire me to pick up an instrument and make my own noise.

I feel I have missed out on so much, but when you love a band new reasons surrounding your love for them crop up constantly. I don’t feel as if I’ve said enough, but I think anyone else who loves The Stone Roses will understand that you cannot describe your love for these 4 brilliant and talented people in a flurry of paragraphs. That is real love. That is something truly rare. Just like being in love.

Here’s to Manchester’s finest.