GRAVEST TRIBUTE TO THE CRAMPS.

15 08 2020

If you’re reading this, hopefully you too regard The Cramps as the greatest band of all time. There is something about The Cramps that just pisses over everything and anything you have heard, and will ever hear. What they created will last for an eternity, and to hear bands cite them as an influence is so great. What’s even better is that one of the most exciting record labels around have put out a tribute to The Cramps, and it features a  hell of a lot of exceptional bands.

Gravest Tribute consists of 24 wonderful covers, and they are done in such an effortlessly cool way. If you didn’t know they were songs by The Cramps already, then you’d be even more impressed by what you’re hearing. Every single band has captured everything that The Cramps were about. The best part is that not every song is sung in English- it’s just the coolest tribute record ever! Thing is, after you’ve played it in full you start to think of other bands that could cover songs by The Cramps too. I’ve got a bunch of bands floating in my head that I would LOVE to hear do a song by The Cramps, but this record is stunning. It is the perfect tribute to the greatest band of all time.

Right now I cannot pick a favourite cover, because every band has just blown me away with how great they are! I love how each band have captured that beautiful snarl that Lux had at certain moments and how certain songs had this raw attitude to them (bands like Duende! Morons Morons- they totally nailed this.) Charm Bag have made their version of I Was A Teenage Werewolf just as smutty as the original and slowed it down slightly but they have completely and utterly got down Ivy’s sound. They’ve really gone beyond with this version- it’s a close favourite for sure!

Los Crveles and Shawnis And The Shimmers are two bands you just want to hear cover songs by The Cramps all the damn time. I want Los Crveles to do all of the A Date With Elvis record- that would b magical! No Valentine have also done something truly great on Can Your Pussy Do The Dog, and you cannot help but think that Lux would love this cover and the whole damn record. It’s just such an exciting collection of songs, and it makes you appreciate the legacy of The Cramps even more. See, I’m not someone who is a huge fan of cover versions at all, but when someone takes a song and makes it theirs- then I’m likely to be sold. What every band on this record has done is pay a beautiful tribute to a band that have evidently influenced them in their own way. It’s such a lovely thing to hear. Every version of the songs on this record are a respectable nod to The Cramps, and I like to think the members of the band that are no longer with us would appreciate this tribute.

I think this record will even sit nicely with those who are precious about cover songs (worse than me) and aren’t into a band that are sacred to them having their songs covered. Each band on this record have done something truly impressive, and maybe it will turn fans of these bands on to The Cramps!





THE CRAMPS: Fiends Of Dope Island.

19 09 2017

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So here we are, the last record by The Cramps. In 2003, The Cramps released Fiends Of Dope Island- their eight full length record. It isn’t my favourite record, but thankfully it still has THAT sound that we all knew and love. The sound that defined them. The sound that made them so important and so influential.

I thought writing about all their records would have taken me longer than this. However, from the start I knew it was something I would have to see through. Besides, what else am I going to do with my spare time?

Fiends Of Dope Island opens with Big Black Witchcraft Rock. It’s a heavy song in comparison to what they have previously done. This record is a heavy sounding record and in some parts of the record, it doesn’t completely sound like The Cramps. I know a band shouldn’t make the same sounding record over and over. The Cramps never did that, but you always knew it was them. There is no fault at all in Ivy’s raucous guitar skills- you never could fault her or Lux at all.

There are some great songs on this record such as Dr Fucker M.D (Musical Deviant), Dopefiend Boogie and She’s Got Balls. It is still a brilliant record by them, don’t get me wrong. But I had a bit of a hard time getting into this one. I mean nothing is going to beat A Date With Elvis or Stay Sick! for me but it is still a strong record that sits nicely with their lengthy list of releases.

I love the slick sounds on Taboo, and how Chopper Franklin truly adds something special to this cover. It also shows just how fantastic Lux’s voice was. He sings slightly different on this one. It doesn’t typically sound like him, and I think that’s why this cover really stands out on this record. It is one of my favourite covers they’ve ever done also. I love Hang Up. It’s got Lux sounding quite snarly, and I really love that. I love how he could do anything with his voice. The way he’d sound like every part of him was shaking as he sung. The banshee-like wails he makes on the end of the song are just excellent. It’s one of the best moments on the record for sure. I also think Oowee Baby is one of the songs on the record that sounds typically them. It’s got a sound that reminds me a little of their earlier records.

I feel that Fiends Of Dope Island is slightly darker than their previous records. This record does feel quite heavy. I don’t know if they knew this would be the last record they were going to make or not. It’s hard to tell.  The artwork to the record is creepy. Lux has this demonic look, and it kind of gives you an impression of how they wanted this record to sound. It is dark and it is menacing. I don’t know how this record sits amongst other fans of The Cramps. I’ve played it a few times in a row now prior to writing this and it has grown on me. I really love Dr Fucker M.D- there’s something brilliantly eerie about this song. It sounds like something you would hear playing in a horror film. You can imagine Dr Fucker being this wild doctor who just causes absolute mayhem.

From listening to all of The Cramps records, it has just made me love and appreciate them even more. No other band is ever going to make something as wonderfully sleazy as I Want To Get In Your Pants or something as decadent as Kizmiaz. The Cramps were one-offs. Every single record shows that, and maybe they knew with Fiends Of Dope Island it would be their last. I think they did set out what they had and needed to do. Of course we would have taken more. I wish I was one of the lucky ones who got to see The Cramps. Any line-up, I don’t care. I’d have just loved to have seen them.

So there we have it. All eight records written about. All eight records listened to more carefully than usual, and loved more than before.

Viva The Cramps!

 





THE CRAMPS: Big Beat From Badsville

18 09 2017

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Here comes record number seven with a blazing smack to the choppers. Big Beat From Badsville is the coolest sounding record I ever did hear. Does the record sound as cool as its name? It’s The Cramps! Of course it does! Now, let me give you a few hundred words about why this record will ease any mood, why this record feels like it could be up there as one of the best things you’ll ever hear.

The most important thing to note about this record is that it is the only record by The Cramps that doesn’t have any cover songs in. the brilliant thing about The Cramps is that they make you forget that a chunk of their songs are actually covers. They make it their own. They made whatever genre of music you want to lump them in their own. They are the loudest band you’ll ever need. Hell..they’re the only band you’re going to need.

Big Beat From Badsville came out in 1997. Its 20 years old, and it sounds like it easily could have been one of their first records. Maybe just after A Date With Elvis. The songs are as smutty as ever. They are wonderfully sleazy especially on songs like I Walked All Night, It Thing Hard-On and of course, Like A Bad Girl Should. This record has ALL the hits. It has the songs that you need to play at any party. Just play this record, and go have a great time. You can play it loud whilst at home by yourself, play it to a lover or force friends to listen to it. Whatever your mood, just play this record as loud as you can. If they turn their noses up at these genius-like songs, then kick ‘em out. Then kick out the jams!

This may be their second to last record, and it really doesn’t sound like a bad that had it in them to quit. I reckon if Lux was still here, they’d be busting up stages and giving the kids a seductive fright. Badass Bug is such a brilliant Rockabilly song. You can picture them recording this in the studio and possibly just having the best time imaginable doing so. It’s such a great song to let everything go to. Just flail your limbs about. Do whatever you want!

What I absolutely love about The Cramps is their ability to make you feel utterly free. You can be stuck in a situation that is ruining your soul, but as soon as you play this record it makes you feel so free. They just take you some place that nothing else can. Like A Bad Girl Should is such a filthy song, and if anyone else sang it- you’d probably just dismiss it but Lux does it in a way that just makes you smirk and probably think about the person you lust after. That lust shouldn’t ever fade if you’re with them. Like A Bad Girl Should is an unconventional love song.. I love how out there it is. I love how it sounds a little stalker-ish. Thing is, Lux doesn’t make any of this creepy. I love Devil Behind The Bush- you can easily tell what this is about. You’re probably a prude if you don’t get it. I reckon even the biggest prudes of them all could find a song by The Cramps that they love. Find one, and shock them with a song by The Cramps!

If I was ever looking for a record by The Cramps to reinforce or even justify (as if I need to) my love for them, I’d probably use this one. I love that it is all of their songs. I love how outrageous Lux got with the lyrics on this one. He truly lets it all go on this record, and you know what- it really makes you miss him.





THE CRAMPS: Flamejob

18 09 2017

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Record number six. What could The Cramps give us with their sixth record that they hadn’t already? They didn’t need to prove anything, they never did. Flamejob is one of their most underrated records, and it is easily one of their most boldest records.
If any song summed them up, it has to be I’m Customised. It just describes them fully. One-offs. Entirely rare. Nothing like them since. This is one of their most Rockabilly/Psychobilly sounding records. I think this might be evident the most on Sado County Auto Show. It’s a massively underrated record and it shows just how great Lux and Ivy were at producing records. Flamejob also came out on Creation. I didn’t know that and I feel that I should have. Silly me!

The Cramps took their time in between records, and it shows that a lot of thought, time and care went into these records. The magical thing about The Cramps records is that none of their records consist of fillers. Every single song deserves to be there. Every single song deserves to be heard loud and repeated over and over.

Yet again it is another record by The Cramps that shows just how underrated Poison Ivy is as a guitarist. She is one mean guitarist. Her style is so distinctive and raw. There is nobody else quite like her, and I adore her sound on Strange Love. With every record she just sounds stronger and more determined. Lux and Ivy have always had that. This determination they had together is shown on classic styled songs like Swing The Big Eyed Rabbit. There was something about them that made you realise instantly there was something special about them and what they were going to do.

I feel I haven’t discussed artwork to their records enough, and I know I could have easily done this with the records I’ve written about before. But, there is something about the artwork to Flamejob that really stands out for me. I love that Lux did the artwork, and took this photo of Ivy. I love her stance and how partially futuristic she looks. I love the orange and red giving off the fire background. I love her leather outfit and the way she looks like someone you wouldn’t want to mess with. Or you might. Depends on what you’re into. This cover is one of my favourites, and I just love everything about how you can tell a lot of thought was gone into it. It’s a precise piece of art- like everything they did. It’s nothing short of stunning.

You can’t help but really get into Mean Machine, Let’s Get Fucked Up, Inside Out and Upside Down (With You)- I could just list the whole record to be honest. Like I said, I reckon this might be one of their most underrated records. I love that Creation put it out also. I definitely need to find myself a copy of this record as soon as I get paid. Or ask someone nicely to get me it for my birthday. It’s got this feel to it that I hadn’t gotten before from their records. Maybe it’s sensing a heavier sound almost, I don’t know. But like I’ve mentioned before- The Cramps had a distinctive sound, and it is always a pleasure to just listen to them.

Flamejob again had Slim Chance on bass, but on drums there was the remarkable Harry Drumdini. The one thing I have always loved about The Cramps is that they always had loud drummers. I love drummers who are unapologetically loud and play with all they have.

Alright so that’s number six done! Go listen to it and make your Monday morning less painful.





THE CRAMPS: Look Mom No Head!

17 09 2017

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I’ve got a few reasons as to why I am excited to write about this record. The main reason being- Iggy Pop is on it! The Cramps AND Iggy?! Oh man..what a time to be alive! I also love the artwork to Look Mom No Head! I think it could be my favourite. This is definitely one of my favourite records by The Cramps too.

The record opens with the dominating Dames, Booze, Chains and Boots. It sounds a little different to what we’ve heard before by The Cramps. The guitar is a lot of heavier on this song, and it just shows how brilliant Ivy is. No one can really compare or compete with her, and she’s truly not given the recognition that she deserves.

There’s one other thing that I need to mention here. The drummer on this record is Jim Sclavunos. That’s right, THE Jim Sclavunos. You probably know him from being part of Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds. He’s up there as one of the greatest drummers of all time- ask anyone. In 8 days I will FINALLY get to see The Bad Seeds in concert. I’m so excited to see all of them. That’s the closest I’m ever going to get to The Cramps! Jim’s drumming on this record gave The Cramps a different and heavier sound. There is something about this record that takes you aback slightly. It feels like something got stirred inside the band, and Look Mom No Head! was born.

The record is made up of some brilliantly named songs such as Bend Over I’ll Drive, I Wanna Get In Your Pants and Eyeball In My Martini. These songs are just insanely great. Like I said, it’s definitely a heavier sounding record, but that sound of The Cramps that we all adore is still there. That sound never ever left. There was no way it could. They could have done an Opera record and you’d still know it was them. There is something so powerful and distinctive about The Cramps. No one else comes close.

Iggy features on the rowdy Miniskirt Blues. Their voices together is just ridiculous. It is such a fantastic song and the way their voices go together is just amazing. You can’t help but wish that they did more together. Imagine if they did a full record together and took it on tour. It would have been wild. It would have been so sordid and beautifully debauched. Lux and Iggy are two of the greatest frontman and singers of all time, and for them to do this song together is just such a great moment.

Look Mom No Head! is a wild record. Songs like Two Headed Sex Change and Blow Up Your Mind are so good. Two Headed Sex Change is such a ferocious song. I’d have loved to have seen this live. I really love Ivy’s guitar on this one. For me it is definitely one of those songs that make you realise how great The Cramps were. It really does show how amazing they all were and are, as musicians.

I adore how Lux’s voice sounds on I Wanna Get In Your Pants. I would have loved Iggy to have featured on this one too. It’s such a sleazy song, and you cannot help but laugh at some of the things Lux says.

Look Mom No Head! was ahead of its time, like everything The Cramps did. It’s such a filthy and smutty record, and I love it. It’s easily up there as one of my favourite. Not just by them, but of any record. I love how strong they all sound and how it has such a tight sound to it. I could happily play this record over and over. It definitely is the band at their strongest and strangest.





THE CRAMPS: Stay Sick!

16 09 2017

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The thing about The Cramps that I have appreciated more and more as I’ve listened to them and also written about them is that with each record; they got more and more weird. If that was even possible! They did it but by no means did it every sound like they were trying too hard- so far from it. It was just natural progression for them.

I spent a bit of time today watching some live clips, and I honestly don’t think anyone could actually compete with them. Apart from them obviously sounding great, Lux was just the greatest frontman. If you want to put someone up against him and how got the crowd going, that’s fine. But you will lose. He was and always will be the greatest.
Let’s now get into record number four- Stay Sick!


The way Lux controls his voice on The Creature from the Black Leather Lagoon is one of my favourite moments on the record. I love that infectious shake he had in his voice. You can just imagine him recording this song, and typically deep-throating the mic to give out certain sounds. He’s the only person who could do it, and not seem like a creep in doing so.

This record is peak smut and filth. God Damn Rock ‘N’ Roll is the perfect song to emulate this, and it’s the way in which Lux sings and the Ivy’s glorious sounds she annihilates on her guitar that make it so perverse in the best way. It’s not the lyrical content in this one, it’s just how it all sounds. I love how Lux just takes down how bland Rock ‘N’ Roll had become. It took guts, especially then and Lux had guts by the tonne. Stay Sick! was produced by Ivy, and it was also the last record that Nick would appear on.

I love All Women Are Bad, and I absolutely love the line; “Save me the label of that perfume on the table. So I can remember what made a wreck of me.” If anyone else sung this, they would just sound utterly whiney. But Lux does it in his own charming way. A way that is evident in every single song/record. When I listen to The Cramps, I can’t help but imagine what it would have been like to have seen them create their records. To see what the atmosphere was like in the studio, to see them perform the songs in an intimate setting and what inspired the lyrics. They are a band that I am constantly intrigued by. For me, and probably everyone else that loves this band this constant wonder and admiration seems to grow and grow with every listen. I always feel like I am discovering them for the first time when I listen to them, and I think that is one of the reasons as to why they are just the best. No contest.

Everything Goes sounds like a sordid affair. It sounds like the aftermath of a bar fight. It’s a totally wild song. If you just read the lyrics, it reads like a beat poem. You can imagine these words being spoken as part of Beat Generation. As a song, it’s so far from that. It’s just a massive insight into nothing being held back. It’s brilliant.


Stay Sick! was released in 1990. If you listen to a lot of the music that came out then, The Cramps easily could have just thrown in the towel or given into the trends. They didn’t. They never ever did. They maintained just how relevant and influential they really were, and for a record like this to come out then was just incredible.

Stay Sick! showed that The Cramps were still going to dominate in a way that only they could- and boy, did they!

 





THE CRAMPS: A Date With Elvis

15 09 2017

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Prior to this record being released, The Cramps put out numerous compilations and live records. Maybe I’ll go back and write about them, but for now I am sticking with studio albums. Now we’re on record number three. Three is the magic number, and although I said I could never pick a favourite record by The Cramps- I’m pretty sure that this one is my favourite. So here we go.

This record is just phenomenal. It’s got all the classics. I’ve got a copy on vinyl that my girlfriend got me this Christmas just passed. It was probably one of the best things I’ve ever been given (she’s also got me a record by The Mummies which massively blew my mind! I think she got me it because I told her there was no way she would ever find a copy.) A Date With Elvis came out in 1986. A really good year for records. And you know, some of us were born in that year! A Date With Elvis only has Ivy, Lux and Nick on- again, three is the magic number. Of course the likes of Bryan and Kid Congo Powers are missed here, but the content of this record is nothing short of genius. There is something about Lux’s voice on this record that sounds super strong. The strongest it has ever been, and the way the three of them had put this record together is just amazing. It’s a record I am constantly playing. I don’t care if it annoys my housemates and neighbours- everyone has THAT one record they just need to put on after a tiresome day. This is my one.

The brilliantly named Kizmiaz (say it slowly) is my favourite on the record. I love how it is slightly slower than a typical song by The Cramps and Lux’s voice isn’t as deep here. There’s a different tone on this song, and I just adore it. I could play it over and over, and fall back in love with it all over again. The whole record has some greatly named songs on such as The Hot Pearl Snatch, What’s Inside A Girl? and Can Your Pussy Do The Dog? Read into the songs however you want, but the humour is subtle but the genius is obvious all over.

People Ain’t No Good may sound pessimistic, but it’s a great song. Lux, Ivy and Nick just make it fun. Their second record had that Horror film to it, but A Date With Elvis has this really laid-back atmosphere to it. The songs won’t make you jump out of your skin, instead you’ll just want to throw a party and play this record on repeat. Although a party consisting only songs by The Cramps would probably guarantee my attendance, and I’m not a fan of parties!

We all have records by bands we love that justify why we love them so much. Sometimes it may just be a song, but for me this record totally explains and shows why I love them so much. It’s one of those records you cannot help but go back to. If I was telling someone who hadn’t listened to The Cramps before where to start, I’d say this one. Then I’d shock them with Psychedelic Jungle. Just to see if they can handle it.

Writing this has just made me want to go home and blast this record out. I’m pretty sure that’s how I’ll spend my evening. Then I will delve deeply into record number four and see what kind of world that takes me to.

Like all records by The Cramps, this one needs to be played loud. And often,





THE CRAMPS: Psychedelic Jungle

15 09 2017
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With a line up change, I guess anyone would question a little if The Cramps could maintain the magic and weirdness they created with their first record. Of course they could, and did. Exit Bryan Gregory, enter Kid Congo Powers.

Psychedelic Jungle is a brilliant record. We all know that. The smut and filth levels are upped here and by no means is it for shock value. It’s just how it is. Gloriously perverse. Others still try and do this but they just sound like creeps. Certain bands have done it since and have kept with the similar tone as The Cramps but others, like I said, are just creepy.

Caveman has this aggressive sound to it. It sounds like a motorbike chase at times. The whole record is one wild ride that you never want to end. It’s got the perfect mix of filth and strange. You have to really listen to pick up on specific references. But hey, if your mind is wired to head that way anyway, you’ll have smirked instantly within the first note.
This is such a great record to lose your mind to. Sure they made some records that make you want to dance but this is one to just lose your mind to. Yeah there are songs that will make you move such as The Crusher. But maybe don’t take the song so literally. Unless you’re a zombie perhaps. This song would fit perfectly in some 70s Horror B-Movie. You know the kind. Don’t be a snob, those films are great! In fact, the whole record feels like it is a handbook for ghouls, vampires and zombies.

For me, The Cramps are that ultimate band. They were just consecutively amazing and always brought out mind blowing and ear bending records. The influence they had and evidently still there. Bands like this don’t come around all too often and sorry to be that person but, they don’t make them like this anymore! The more I write about them and the more I listen to Lux’s earth shaking and hip swaying voice, the more I miss him. The more I miss The Cramps. I could say we need another record as insane as this but do we? This wasn’t the blueprint, it was perfection the second they released it. The haunting werewolf like cries on Primitive is one of the most enticing moments on the record. This song stays with you all damn day.

I love how The Cramps made the artwork to their records fit with what was going on in the record. Sure you can dance to their records, but if you take some time and look at the artwork as you play the record in full, you may see the theme of the record. You may truly feel what’s going on in the record and pick up on the stories being told. It’s genius and totally mind blowing.
I could easily say that this is their greatest records, hell I could say that about all of them to be honest. And you know, it’d be pretty difficult to actually pick a favourite- right? They are one of those bands that blow you away each time, and the thing is, they still do it now. Going back and listening to this record solidly was nothing short of fun. I loved being able to hear new things with each listen and to pick up on different reasons (and new) as to why I just absolutely adore this band.

Maybe behind the filth and sleaze are tips on how to survive the end of the world but hey- Don’t Eat Stuff Off The Sidewalk!





THE CRAMPS: Songs The Lord Taught Us.

13 09 2017

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I had an idea earlier today to listen to every studio album by The Cramps and write about them. I’ve done this with several bands in the past, and it’s only right that I do this for the most important band of all time- The Cramps. An iconic, timeless and just brilliant band. What they did for music and us weirdos is priceless. Let’s go back to 1980.

Although their first release was the EP, Gravest Hits in 1979 The Cramps released their first full length LP in 1980. Songs the Lord Taught Us consists of 13 brain shattering, life changing, and limb flailing songs. These songs were made to creep out anyone who hear Lux’s voice. His voice is Halloween all over. It’s creepy, utterly spooky and something you cannot tear yourself away from. Although they made music that some may have turned their noses up at, it is their live performances that probably had the raw shock value. When you listen to The Cramps for the first time, it stays with you.

The Cramps are that kind of band who within the first listen, the first note make you instantly realise that they are going to rule your mind. Their music will be something you constantly turn to. Ivy and Lux were the most perfect couple. Everything they did was a reflection of them, and although I never a show- we have dodgy YouTube recordings that somewhat capture the atmosphere slightly. Ivy had this demeanour on stage that made you idolise her. Lux was all kinds of outrageous, and that is why we adore them so. Songs The Lord Taught Us was an in depth look into the journey that The Cramps would take their fans on.

One thing I’ve realised from being a massive fan of the band is that there is no such thing as casually listening to them. There is no such thing as just listening to a few songs and being content with that. Far from it. Songs The Lord Taught Us and the rest of their records are addictive. You play one- you end up spending your day listening to all of them. And probably more than once too.

There are a couple of covers on the record, and the one that obviously stands out is Fever. Lux manages to really take this song somewhere else. Fever has been covered by so many, and the most notable is probably Peggy Lee’s version. Her version is lustful and seductive. The Cramps take the lust and the seductive tones, and turn it into something gloriously smutty. Hey, if you’re going to cover a song- you might as well do whatever you want to it. The Cramps created something truly remarkable with their first record, and this went on with everything they did. Nothing they did could be repeated. A band that were consistently great and managed to keep their fans hooked for decades with all they did. There’s no denying at all just how influential they were and still are. Songs The Lord Taught Us was just a small taste of what was to come.

Brian and Ivy made their guitars sound like weapons, Nick’s drumming was a glorious thump to the head and Lux just stole you away. If we were going to talk about the greatest frontman of all time, I’d probably say that Lux was up there. The way he moved, the way he managed to make the universe feel as if it was quaking with his voice. He just had something about him. They all did, and for it to come across so prominently on their first full length record is nothing short of fascinating and straight up incredible.

What I love about this record is that you can imagine bands you love listening to this, and wanting to start a band. It’s got something about it that just drives you on. It’s got something about it that leaves you in awe of how fantastic this debut (full length) record is.

Their songs are wonderfully smutty, filthy and humorous. I guess the Lord taught them well.





…vs My Brain

9 05 2017

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With it being Mental Health Awareness Week, I guess now is a good a time as any to ramble on about my past year. In fact, it was probably longer than a year- I just put off dealing with whatever my brain was telling me, and not telling me.

Last October I think I pretty much had my very own breakdown. It was at 2/3am. I remember sitting on my bed in some weird position crying, having a panic attack after panic attack. I was at war with my head. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t switch off. Nothing maintained my attention. I was starting to worry about myself. Prior, I just didn’t care. I went to the doctor and after a few minutes I was told to do a self-referral for treatment. I put this off for a few weeks, then stopped being a stubborn dick and did it.

Now I care more than I did. I went to the doctor a second time earlier this year, as my referral for CBT was going to be some time- the second stage of it. I made no improvements with the first lot. Labelled as having severe anxiety and mild depression. Labels are for foodstuffs- I’m not for consumption. Things shouldn’t define a person, just like their actions always shouldn’t. In this case, I wasn’t going to let this be something that ruled who I was and my life- enough was enough. I went to my doctor. She looked at me and asked how she could help. I cried. I broke down like a child and cried. I said “I can’t cope.” Finally admitting to myself that I couldn’t hack whatever was going on in my head.

As someone who can’t take paracetamol without assuming the worse, I had to resign myself to the fact that at this stage- I probably needed something other than talking. I agreed to take medication. Since starting the medication in late February, I am pretty sure that every side effect I had (I had them all) has been worth it. I’d rather have continuous dry mouth than have another fucking panic attack. The side effects have virtually gone. I do have days where I get this really bad pain in my stomach or the occasional headache, but I’d take that over how I was and what I was putting myself through. Or rather, what my brain was putting me through. I had my assessment for my second stage of CBT. I was being asked questions that weren’t relevant and being asked to focus on things that I really don’t need to. I felt as if I had to say what they wanted, and I didn’t want to be made to bring things up that don’t need to be. So I discharged myself. I decided rather than waste their time (and mine) I would give up my place for someone else who needs it more than me. I tried, and for me, that’s the main thing. But it just wasn’t for me.

Everyone bangs on about it, but support is key. I’ve got a handful of people that I know have my back and are there for me. Just like I am there for them. It also helps having a girlfriend who has a similar shit sleeping pattern so I have someone at 1am when I can’t sleep and everything seems too much. She’s my rock, and I try my hardest to be hers.

Music has been a massive help for me. We went to see Banks in March, and for me I think that was the point where I solidly felt okay. At one point going to gigs was just overwhelming. Going to work was overwhelming. Not because I hate my job or anything like that- far from it. But the effort of having to get out of bed and the overwhelming feeling of being on a packed train. My brain was slowly failing me. Or maybe I was failing myself for not taking better care. Music has been my other rock. Certain songs (which I’ll link below) have played a massive part in my brain healing and keeping me calm. I go the gym during the week after work to allow myself to take care of my body as well as my mind.

My bad days now don’t feel near as half as bad as they once were. I don’t have to fake being alright because I genuinely feel just fine at the moment. I’m not thinking long-term because that shit is scary. If I can get through one day without feeling terrible, I’m fine. My last panic attack was on the 2nd March. It’s been two months. I still feel a little shitty at times and certain things at the moment are fucking tough but, you can’t control everything.

I am not brave, I am not tough. All I did was reach breaking point. All I did was let myself get worse before I realised something needed to be done.

I’m alright. I’m happy with that. I’m alright.