The Pretty Things | Beat In My Bones.

Patience can be a weakness or it can be a strength. People will use it against you. People will always for the most part, use your good traits against you. Example, say if you have a kind heart- people will bruise it. If you seem to be the kind to help others, they will take advantage. What good comes from being bad? I wish I was tough, but then if I was I wouldn’t be who I am. And who I am, well I don’t know if it is good or bad. My heart is too big, and I should break away some pieces so it shrinks and contains all that matters. What exactly matters? Well, you can only find that in your heart. So maybe I’d be defeating the object if I did something like that.

You give parts of you away. Sometimes you give them to the wrong ones, sometimes you give them to the good ones. Maybe you only learn your lesson when it is too late. You can go back in time in your head which causes you to break your own heart. Then what do you do? You simply owe it to yourself to not mourn the things you had no control over. We all seek some form of control. It can be in good things, it can be in bad things. Do not judge them. Never judge. We’re all different but we all fight to stay alive. Sometimes it can be such a drag, but it’s alright. It’s quite alright.

As I get older, I don’t mind it. I don’t mind it at all. Sure my body feels bruised and broken at times (I think 80 minutes on the treadmill today may be a vital part in this) and my head feels like it may explode from frustration- but if I let it all matter, then I won’t know what to do. You’ve got hide sometimes. The panic attacks may increase over here, but I’ll get out.

So why long for something that just isn’t there? Is it even there? That’s why I love old old old music you know? It is like THEIR frustrations and their love and their lust and all in-between was written in a much deeper tone. It went beyond all that is around now. I mean sure I love the bands I listen to that are new, of course. I love the euphoric journey they send me on. But there is something about hearing something from the 60s about losing something/someone that just sound much more vulnerable than anything around now. I admire anyone who writes so honestly that they are pretty much letting every raw feeling out. Maybe that’s why I write like I do. The things I write here are the things I say to nobody. Why would I? I have no need to. I don’t wish to. I’m too stubborn, but I use it for the good rather than bad. For the most part. I’ll always believe I was born at the wrong time, always. However, I’m not going to dress like a hippie, spin around a few times and hug everyone. No no. I’ll stick to what I wear and listen to what I like.

I have no idea why I wrote any of this, maybe I had to let it out. So to the one person who may happen to read this. I’m sorry, here are some songs to make up for my idiotic ramblings that are far too frequent yet scattered.

Longing VS wanting. Innocence VS not really knowing. Caring VS not caring. Life VS death. Love VS stupidty. In the long run, it is probably all the same thing. You wish to burn out what you see in your mind. You wish you could see certain things forever. You wish you did one thing differently, at one point. You wish you were more eloquent with your words. You wish you wrote THAT song so you could play them it; so they get it. Will they ever get it? Does anyone ever really understand? Are we just killing time by explaining. These are the thoughts I am not paid to write down. I’ve never been paid for this. I don’t expect to. They want you to be like them. Dress like that, talk like this. Walk as if you don’t care, behave like an obnoxious fool. Keep me indoors please.

You slip away from reality sometimes. You lose tough. With yourself and others. Maybe you only talk to 2 or 3 people everyday. But they are the ones that you love so much. Maybe one of them you love more than most, because this person owns your heart. This person is on your mind, constantly. Or maybe it just isn’t like that. Maybe you have no idea. Sometimes you think you cannot get lower or higher than your current state. I don’t think this makes sense, because I don’t want it to.

As you get older you learn to cast away your wants, your needs and your desires. You learn that none of it matters. You see everything around you become so typical and bland. You notice you have no plans. You don’t want what they want. You don’t want a 9-5 lifestyle where you do the same thing every day. You still want freedom burning inside of you. The only burning they have is heart-burn. They are typical, and you cannot relate. You know of no one else who feels the same. You think you are wrong, for about 5 minutes. Then you realise that being different is not a bad thing. It is never a bad thing. They may mock your thoughts and how you view the world. But it gets you through.

Trust your heart- not theirs. If you must, spit blood upon those who tell you that you are wrong.

Nothing and no one is worth the torment.

It’s like I am teaching myself all the things I wish I knew sooner. But I just can’t listen to myself.