“Did they tell you, you should grow up, when you wanted to dream. Did they warn you, better shape up if you want to succeed.”

25 05 2012

I took a walk just now. Whilst walking, a Metric song came on and it just made me realise that it is okay to be my age (25) and still be a dreamer. Someone who isn’t always sure of everything around them, but knows what they want. They do all they can to get it, but something gets in the way. That something at times, holds you back. But you still keep going. Sometimes a song is all it takes for you to keep on dreaming. To keep everything in you alive. It is hard, I bloody well know it is. You see, I’ve been a freelancing fool for 6 and a half years now. I’ve had this site since early 2008. I’ve had times where I wanted to just say “Fuck this..fuck it all. I can’t no more.” The constant self-doubt I carry on my back keeps me going. If I ever thought I was good at something, I wouldn’t do it. The self-doubt makes me work harder I guess. If I didn’t write, I’d probably be sectioned. I’d gnaw at my hands and rip my eyes out from frustration. Yet, for some stupid reason, I feel the need to write. I have no idea who reads this. Or even why someone would read the nonsense I write, but I just want to thank you. If I could buy you a cup of tea and hug you- I would. If you’re a friend of mine, that’s pretty cool. But I know none of my friends read this. It’s cool. I’m pretty sure most read this and think, “What the hell is this idiot doing? I can do better than her. She’s useless.” Probably. You probably can. I do it for the love of music. I don’t do it for any other reason. I know I want to make a living from this, but truth be told-I never will. I guess you cannot put a price on something you love. So this is going to be a collection of songs that make me feel alright with being a dreamer, I guess. Thing is, I know what the reality around me is. I’m not happy with it, but only I can change it.

Maybe one day, one of my daft dreams will come true. Maybe one day I’ll get some poetry published. Maybe I’ll write a book. Maybes are okay- but you cannot live off them. Keep the dream alive, and do what you need to do. The following songs just give me hope, in their own unique  non-conventional way.

 





Spiritualized- Sweet Heart Sweet Light.

9 04 2012

Attempting to type when you have the flu is like trying to run a marathon when you’ve vommed up your guts. It hurts and you have no idea what is going on. I have no idea what is going on right now. I’ve tried to sleep it off, but it’s just not happening. I’ve probably had too much cough medicine, and should ease off it now. It tastes really nice. A bit like Ribena. I feel like I need to be cradled gently so I fall asleep, and when I wake up I feel normal again. As there’s no one to do this, I’m seeking comfort in Spiritualized. Again.

As a person, I have a lot of feelings. This doesn’t mean I cry at everything or anything. I just know how to feel. I’m not afraid to have emotions. I’d be worried if I turned into a robot. I know it’d be easier if I had none, but I’m not that kind of person. I’m far too sensitive, I hate that part of me. It’s an unattractive trait. I guess on anyone else it’d be okay though. I learnt that it’s okay to be vulnerable and sensitive through listening to the stunning work Jason Pierce creates. His work as Spiritualized has got me through things I wish to never face again. However knowing my luck, I probably will. But, I drag on through it by using his words as a pillar of hope. A source of light. Refuge, I suppose. Everything about his music just elevates the soul and eases the mind. His seventh record is by no means an exception. You can place it against the other 6 as being highly influential and mind-blowing.

It’s virtually impossible for me to write about this record without wanting to be so horrifically personal. Just to vocalise everything Jason means to me. It’s impossible, so I’ll keep this as short as I can without being personal.

This album feels like you are being swayed delicately. If you feel broken-hearted, ill, down, lost, tired- play this record. It is the biggest source of comfort I have found in a long time. I probably feel more for it than I usually would because I am so bloody tired, and ill. Freedom is my favourite track off the record because it just feels like…I have no idea. I really don’t.

You know what? I’m not even going to bother. Just go listen to it yourself : http://www.npr.org/2012/04/08/149860995/first-listen-spiritualized-sweet-heart-sweet-light?ft=1&f=98679384#playlist

Genuinely lost for words right now. I’m not even sorry. Maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t bother writing anymore. I’m stumped. I cannot find the words to describe this beautiful piece of art.

I think this record is probably one of the best things I have ever ever heard. I have no idea how to feel about anything right now, compared to this..I just don’t know at all. I really don’t. How can a person make something like this? How is it possible to create something so haunting and hypnotising? I’m in awe. It goes beyond being in awe.

This record makes me feel like I’m at the aftermath of death. That I’m going to the afterlife. I’ve never known anyone but Jason Pierce to make me feel this way. I feel like I have died and gone into the afterlife. No worries, no baggage- nothing at all. Entirely weightless and unconditionally happy. This state of beauty it puts you in allows you to feel weak, it makes it okay for you to feel weak. Fall apart. It is completely okay. The record will carry you through and make it all okay again.

Be gentle.





Spiritualized-Hey Jane.

24 02 2012

I will never ever have a bad word said about Jason Pierce aka J.Spaceman aka Spiritualized. In my mind, he’s a genius. He’s one of the best, if not THE best. I’ve been a fan of his work..since..I really cannot remember. You see, most of (if not all) the older music I like is due to my uncle’s influence. He got me into the Velvet Underground and The Jesus And Mary Chain. He got me into the loud and brutal music that I love, and from that I found my own bands to love. Maybe I should be concerned that most of my love is directed towards music, but then the rational part of me knows that it is totally fine, and my behaviour is normal. To others? Well, forget what they think. It’s important to have something you are passionate about. People will ALWAYS try to take and take from you. So cling onto what matters, and never give yourself away. I think I learnt that from Spiritualized’s music, at a very young age.

Hey Jane is incredible. As I love Jason’s work so much, I really wouldn’t have an issue with saying, “You know? I’m not fussed on this.” It’s Jason at his most glorious, and at his euphoric best.

http://soundcloud.com/spiritualized

There are so many reasons as to why I love his music. The main being how the harmonies just float right through you, and make you feel like you are floating towards something. I would’ve made a horrific pun with reference to one of his records, but I don’t feel like being that person today. I’ll save it. Hey Jane is nearly 9 minutes of pure elation. It just builds and builds. It is just like a hymn, but without the religious connotations. Which is just utterly perfect.

If you’ve never listened to his work before..where have you been? Also, start with this. Start with the more upbeat tracks. However, my favourite will ALWAYS be the painful, Broken Heart. Saddest song ever written? Hell yes. It is so sad, and you feel yourself crumble as you hear the pain and despair in his voice. You connect. It’s been a long time since I’ve had my heart metaphorically broken, but when I listen to this song- I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest. It is painful. We’ve all been there, and the way Jason describes it is so bloody accurate.

Anyway, if you’re a fan of Spiritualized, you will love this. You have no choice because you know Jason is one of a kind, and that’s how you like it.





“Round my heart, and runnin’ round my brain.”

9 12 2011

I cannot stand songs that go on and on about being in love or how wonderful the world seems. I can’t relate to it, so I don’t really care for it. I love songs and artists that drag out the ugly, and dark feelings we are conditioned to ignore. The feelings we are told to never speak of. I love it when an artist has the guts to sing the songs that reach for your soul and just crush you. It crushes you in a way that leaves you crippled with so many painful feelings; you just don’t know what to do with them. I don’t mean songs about having your heart broken by someone. That isn’t the only bad feeling in the world. There is more to life than being in love and losing love. However, again; we are conditioned to seek love from another so we can justify our existence. Personally, it’s utter bollocks. You validate your existence in your own way. It doesn’t have to mean you have to be in love to do so.

Although I love songs that rake out the harsh and brutal feelings we are meant to push aside, this doesn’t mean I walk around hating life and everyone. I’m an average human being; nothing special. I hate no one, I hate nothing. I don’t have it in me to have that feeling at all. There’s good and bad in everything, and in everyone. I’m not someone who is against being in love; I’m sure it’s a delightful thing when it goes right. I just find the darker side, the things we are told to not go near much more interesting.

There is something romantic and comforting about hearing a song that just oozes pain and despair. Heroin by Velvet Underground is one of the most gut-wrenching and heart breaking songs ever written. It isn’t about a lover. It is fairly obvious what it is about. Every single time I listen to it, it just delves into a part of me; I cannot imagine a cheery song doing this to me. Don’t get me wrong, I do listen to a lot of music that someone could pass as “happy.” However, bands such as Velvet Underground make me happy because of what they mean to me. It doesn’t matter what song I play by them, it just  goes to a part of me that, although the lyrics can be quite sad- it still makes me happy. It makes me happy that I have a band like that in my life, that mean so much to me. The same can be applied to The Jesus And Mary Chain, Spiritualized and Townes Van Zandt.

One of the first songs I remember hearing by Spiritualized was Broken Heart. If anyone was to ever list the songs that could break a person in so many ways- this should be at the top. Jason Pierce has this way of projecting such frailness and vulnerability into his lyrics that make you connect so deeply with what he is saying. He takes you right down to rock bottom with him. Thing is, you don’t want to get back up from it. He was one of the first artists I really remember feeling this way about. Just instantly connecting with every word. Clinging onto it with all I had. Much like The Cure and of course, The Smiths. A band can really make you feel less alone when you think you’ve hit the lowest point. I guess sometimes, you can always go lower. If you’re scared of hitting it- you’ll probably get there quicker than you planned to. If you’re not scared, it’s up to you how you deal with it. Some things you can fight off and avoid. Some things just happened. You cannot plan a thing.

Townes Van Zandt (aside from Morrissey) is my favourite male solo artist of all time. What I loved (and still do) about his music was the honesty and how you could easily feel every single word he sung. You knew he meant every single word when he mentioned feeling so low. Songs such as Waiting Around To Die, Cocaine Blues just really made you feel for him. I will always stand by Waiting Around To Die as being one of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to it over and over, and not get bored of hearing his breaking, powerful, trembling voice. He was well and truly the most underrated singer/song-writers of all time. If you want pain and aching lyrics- Townes Van Zandt is the one.

All these reasons I’ve mentioned (and more) are probably why I love The Drums so much. I love how they have such sadness surrounding their songs but it is disguised through the electrifying guitars and upbeat drums. Songs such as Book Of Stories, Best Friend, What You Were, I Felt Stupid are so heartbreaking- but so utterly perfect. You know, I don’t think I could look at someone who didn’t enjoy at least one song by The Drums. I remember first hearing them in early 2009 and, I felt how someone must have felt when they first heard The Beach Boys, The Ronnettes, The Smiths- it was so exciting, and so needed at the time. I do believe that if they ever called it quits- I would cry. Just like I did when The Long Blondes split up. When you feel such a strong connection to a band, they become your life. They say everything you cannot say. I love Marina And The Diamonds because she can write songs that make you feel less alone about having bad days and disliking yourself. She makes you feel okay about not being as strong as you think you should be. I love Florence + The Machine because Florence can express such dark feelings in a way that just blows me away and can make you feel less troubled about carrying around certain feelings that probably bug you a Hell of a lot.

You see dear reader, it is quite easy to tell a person something so positive and charming. Yet when you have to attempt to say something quite dark and hurtful about what is whirling on in your head- it can be quite daunting. There’s a song for every occasion. There’s a lyric to describe everything you feel- whether it is joyful or horrendous- someone has already said it for you. Someone has already felt that way and made it more eloquent than you could even try to do. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s bad enough feeling like shit, so when someone else can sum it up in a song for you- it takes the added pressure of expressing yourself off.

Just remember- it is okay to feel like shit. It is okay to be happy. Never feel bad for how you feel, whether it is good or bad. You cannot switch yourself off, but you can always, always-restart.





“Stripped of the right to be a human in control. Its warmer in Hell, so down we go.”

5 12 2011

In my head, I’m convinced I’ll one day be a Superhero. Maybe when I die I will come back as one. It all stems from my childhood obsession with Spiderman (it is still there in adulthood, and I know it will never go.) I’m also glad my nephew has a mutual love for Spiderman too. My obsession with Spiderman is part admiration, part relating to him more than anything else. It’s a mixture, a jumble I suppose. This links in with what I want to write about, somehow.

Ever since I can remember I have used music as a sheild or a cloak. Possibly a cape. When I listen tocertain songs it makes me feel like nothing and no one in the world can get to me- no traces of negativity or bad words can reach me because the music that is echoing in my ears is protecting me. It is making me stronger than I could possibly allow myself. You see, sometimes we don’t realise how strong we are. Sometimes we have to go to Hell and back to see just exactly how strong we- how much we can take. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve wanted to give up many many times. I know exactly when this happened, but more importantly- I know what brought me back from feeling so utterly low. Everyone goes through it. You cannot go through life expecting to avoid anything bad. You cannot wander through life and not get hurt. It will happen. There’s no right or wrong way with dealing with it at all. If you want to block it out and ignore it-so be it. If you want to talk about it with someone over cups of tea-so be it. You are human. You can fight some battles on your own. You may need a sidekick sometimes to get through it all. You cannot pick your battles, but you can sure as hell choose your protective gear. When someone tells you to “man up” kindly tell them to “fuck off.”

I don’t think I’ve successfully made my point here. Sometimes when I feel a lot about a subject matter I lose my ability to form sentences that make sense. Too much passion for things is always going to be a burden for me, I know. I know.

What I’m trying to say is, music is a wonderful thing to drag you through anything you face. For instance, today I was on the bus listening to Ceremonials and the sheer beauty of it just made me want to cry. I got a bit teary eyed. Thankfully no one saw. Imagine explaining that to a stranger. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just get really into the music and a bit emotional during certain parts of songs.” I’m a sadcase, I know this. You don’t ever need to tell me. Music can be that sheild, that protective gear you place around you when you want to feel invincible. Music can be the thing that makes you feel like you are a Superhero. Fuck it. Be a legend in your own lunchtime dear reader. Do it.

So, with that I am going to link you to some songs that make me feel like nothing or no one in the universe can touch me. Some of these songs I used whilst I was in Secondary School and was being bullied every single day. I don’t talk about it because it was over 10 years ago, and I’m better than those shitstains of society. These are the songs that gave me strength in the past, these are the songs that currently make me feel like I can do anything. They are my sheild, my protective cape. They all provide a cloak of strength and determination.

 





“I wish that I was born a thousand years ago,I wish that I’d sail the darkened seas.”

4 12 2011

My days are currently spent working, reading X-Men and listening to more music than my ears can handle. Reading X-Men and Ted Hughes poetry makes me create my own little world. It’s always been this way, it always will be this way. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest- I’m content with being boring. Yesterday I found a market that sells records. Records are my weakness (as are other things but you don’t need to know.) I spent quite a bit, but the woman knocked off some money because I picked up a lot. I found two of my favourite songs of all time on vinyl: Black-It’s A Wonderful Life and The Jesus And Mary Chain-Some Candy. I had to be dragged away by my friend because I found a comics section too. I’ll return soon enough and spend more money that I don’t really have.

I should’ve done this last Wednesday but I was busy. By busy, I mean I was tired after work. So I’m doing it now. This mixtape is going to focus on some dark, heavy songs I have heard that mean the world to me. I love songs that make it painful for you to listen to because they go right through you with how dark, brutal and honest they are. Songs that make you feel less alone, but probably make someone else feel uncomfortable. That’s what music should do. It should challenge your feelings and scare you shitless. Enough ranting, have some songs:

 





Spiritualized.

8 11 2011

As I get older, I think I start to dislike people more. Or maybe, I pick up on certain traits they have and just cannot be bothered. When I get like this, I can only listen to one artist. This one artist has been summing up this…whatever it is…feeling I guess since I was 17/18. I’m nearly 25 so it’s safe to say that Jason Pierce is a huge part of my life. His words have got me through some shit. Not that I feel like shit now- but every so often you see something or hear something that makes you feel so disappointed, and I guess let down.

Jason Pierce is one of the most important musicians that this country has produced. He’s on the same level as The Jesus And Mary Chain, Chris Corner and My Bloody Valentine. Jason’s words fix that part of you that someone else has probably broke. He heals those wounds that another cannot fix- it has to be music. That’s all that can fix it.

You Lie, You Cheat will ALWAYS be one of my favourite. The angst that builds and builds in this song always gets to me. Most would probably choose songs such as Broken Heart or Hold On- but You Lie has that fury that just burns inside you. It just fucking pours out in a way that you cannot control. Do you want to control it? Could you? Songs In A&E is, for me, on the same level as Ladies And Gentlemen….I mean, you really cannot deny the sheer genius that record is. Everything Jason does is just perfection.

Hold On is easily one of THE most heartbreaking and painful songs ever created. The utter fragility and hurt that just pours out of this song could easly crush the hardest of hearts. If I hear it and I feel totally fine; it still breaks me. It is so powerful, it really isn’t for the emotionally unstable. That said, it does help with a break-up. Or if you want to cry and can’t seem to do so.

My uncle was the one who caused my love for Spiritualized, he’s the reason why I love a lot of bands I do. Jason’s lyrics are just as powerful as the actual music he creates. The music alone can break you, but calm you down. His voice is so breath-taking and relaxing. Even when bouts of angst and pain riddle it, it’s got this quality to it that just makes you feel at ease- and less alone.

There’s nothing I can say about Spiritualized that hasn’t already been said. You know how you have certain bands that, when you listen to them- you just think about stuff? By stuff, I mean anything and everything. That’s what Spiritualized does to me. His music has been like a crutch to me for so long, I honestly have no idea what I’d do without it. He’s one of the few musicians that just stun me with every listen and leave me lost for words. Or in this case, ramble like a massive idiot.

But anyway, Jason Pierce- you’re one of the few artists who made this uncomfortable 17/18 year old turn into a soon to be 25 year old who is actually okay with who they are now.