“Shouldering your loneliness
Like a gun that you will not learn to aim
You stumble into this movie house
Then you climb, you climb into the frame.”

The past few days I have been thinking about turning 30 and all the songs that have played such a vital role in my life. I’ve tried to pin point songs but I draw blanks. I think of certain bands and singers, and I find a home that four walls never could build. I’ve always been obsessed with words from a very young age. I am fascinated by accents, how people choose to word things and how poets/singers take you to another world. Perspective. My world revolves around Nick Cave, Lou Reed, Patti Smith, Morrissey and Leonard Cohen. The latter broke my heart when I woke up this morning.

A few years ago whilst living back home I went to an indoor market. This place became my safety net for some time. I would wander round and pick up records for about £2 each, and hold them tightly on the bus journey home. I remember finally finding a Leonard Cohen record for £3 and I felt like I had won the lottery. I had the same feeling when I found Transformer by Lou Reed for the same price.These are the times where you feel like the luckiest person in the world and nothing can touch you.

At university in either my second or third year, I remember sitting in the film theatre watching the I’m Your Man film. Again, I was in awe. Leonard was…is…was one of those souls that you are constantly in awe of. His majestic and vivid way with words have been engraved upon my heart from a very young age. My mum had a few records she would play when I was younger and I couldn’t sleep. Leonard was one of them. As an adult, he’s been one of the few I have turned to when I just couldn’t cope. I’m constantly stuck in this horrific low mood that bears a burden to me and all around me, and when I play certain songs and I zone out-all is better. Leonard was one of the few who got me to switch off and zone out. What am I meant to do without him? Songs From A Room was the record I bought for £3, and it’s been my secure source of comfort and a friend for when I feel completely and utterly alone. I still have the music, we all have the music. But the physical form of the friend has gone. Oh Leonard. What are we to do without you.

His words and his music taught me more than any teacher could. I didn’t care for long division or the square root of something. I cared about Marianne and Suzanne. I was taught the biggest and most powerful thing of all from Leonard- love. The dark, brutal, raw side of love. The kind that keeps you alive. He taught me how to accept it and give it. I like to think I’ve finally got there. But now what? What do we do without you, Leonard? This morning when I woke up and found out, I clung to my pillow and cried. I cried like a baby. Maybe I am foolish for missing and grieving over someone I never met but I really do not care. This man has been my life, this man has saved my life even when I didn’t want it to be saved. His words healed and now they break me but I know they’ll heal one day when it eases that he is no longer here.

Love Calls You By Your Name has always ALWAYS been the song I went to when I just didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do now, so I guess I’ll have to find some form of strength to listen to his music, to this song and somehow get through. I had a few of his poetry books and for so long they lived next to my bed. Over the past few years I’ve had trouble sleeping (or turning my brain off) and I used to wake up in the middle of the night, unsure of what to do. I’d sit up, reach for one of his books and read. Read until all felt okay. Read until I felt like I could shut my eyes and drift off. Now when I close my eyes, I just see Leonard. I just see him with his tilted hat and a smirk. My idol, my king, my world. As he goes into another world, a world safer than the one he has left behind.

Like anyone who idolised him, I feel like I’ve lost a relative. I feel like I’ve lost my guide and my friend. When your hero goes, a part of you goes with them. Which part goes? Which part stays? Right now, I feel like that toddler who cannot sleep who just wishes to be in their mother’s arms with Leonard playing as I slowly fall asleep. Care free, aged three. That’s when it is all okay. Now I’m one day away from 30 and I have no idea what to do. Oh Leonard, what are we to do without you.

Your heroes teach you to be brave, to ask questions, to be yourself and to always do what feels right. But they do not tell you what to do when they go. That’s something we need to figure out on our own. I wish Lou Reed was still here, I wish Leonard was still here. I wish, I wish, I wish. Leonard’s music and his poetry has been with me for as long as I can remember, and that’s what we cling to now. We let go of the physical side and cling to what they have left us with.

Leonard said he was ready to go, but I wasn’t and won’t ever be ready to let him go.


Top 10 Male Singers (of all time..sort of.)

I frequently have internal battles with myself about my favourite songs and records of all time. I place them into categories to make it easier, such as Favourite Debut Record of All Time to BEST SONG EVER PART 1 OF 100. Stuff like that you know? But earlier, I managed to come up with a solid list of my favourite male singers of all time. I basically narrowed it down to singers that were around before I was born because if I did recent ones, I’d firmly place Brandon Welchez from Crocodiles as my number 1. Maybe I’ll do a list for that.

So, I’m going to attempt to list my favourite male singers of all time (that existed before I was born..I was born in ’86. The golden era of Hip Hop.) Of course I may change my mind at some point, but hopefully I won’t fret and lose sleep over this. I’m a born worrier; but I keep it well hidden. Obviously I’ve just admitted to it, so it’s not a secret. Oh well.

10. David Johansen (New York Dolls.) I hate that I’ve had to put this in order because I want to jumble it all around. However, the love I have for David Johansen goes beyond him being my number 10. What I love about him is his flamboyant style and distinctive drawl. I remember my mum playing their first record round the house when I was younger. I didn’t know it was the Dolls but I was hooked on Jet Boy. I probably used to sing it, and get the words mixed up. Nothing has changed. Into my teenage years, I saw a copy of their debut record at my uncle’s. I was drawn to the cover, and I always stand by it being my favourite album cover ever. The sheer beauty of it just drew me in straight away. Utterly gorgeous. So, what is it about David Johansen that makes me adore him? I think he’s one of the best front-men of all time. His charisma and charm just leaves you in awe. The way he moves makes you want to emulate him in a dramatic fashion. He’s one of a kind, and undoubtedly inspired so many to express themselves in a way no one else dared to do so.

9. Townes Van Zandt. My love for Townes started only a few years ago, and it wasn’t his voice that got me hooked. Before I even heard his voice, I read his lyrics. His lyrics were that of a troubled soul. You couldn’t help but connect with him, yet at the same time feel uncomfortable that you connected with his words. Then when you heard his voice, you TRULY got all the pain. Some singers become actors and don’t believe in what they do. Some just want the money. With the likes of Townes, you could tell that music was everything to him. His life was dependant on making music. It didn’t really matter how the listener felt; he just needed to get it all out. We all need an outlet, music is one of the most powerful ones. Townes possessed a unique voice that no matter what, just sounded so vulnerable. He didn’t have to put on an act; everything about him was truthful. At times some of his songs became too painful to listen to, but at best- you just knew someone else understood some of the perils of every day life.

8. Nick Cave. Some singers you remember falling in love with, because it just stays with you for the rest of time. Nick Cave is a prime example of that. My gran used to look after me when I was younger, before I went to primary school. Before chewed up and spat out my soul. Or you know, before I ate paint and sobbed before swimming lessons. My uncle used to live with her in this house, and I always remembered going to his room when he was at work and staring at a poster of Nick Cave on one of the walls in his room. I’d stare at it in utter awe. I don’t know what my toddler mind was thinking, but it was fixated on this person. I felt like I was looking at something untouchable. I guess I knew of Nick Cave’s genius before I even heard his voice or read his lyrics. Fast forward to about 10 years old and I’m hearing Into My Arms and Henry Lee on MTV. Something was happening in my mind. I knew exactly what it was. I knew what I wanted to be. A writer. I wanted to write words like this; but the thing is, no one can write like Nick Cave. The man is a genius. Sure enough his vocals may not be to everyone’s taste, but his lyrics…I fail to find a song that anyone couldn’t relate to. Everything about him just makes you want to expand your mind and explore other worlds.

7. Leonard Cohen. One of the greatest writers of all time regardless of genre. Leonard Cohen and Morrissey were the two song-writers that truly made me care about words. Poets such as Poe and Rimbaud got me hooked on words too. But these two singers just made me see everything in the world in a different way. The darkness and love and romance of everything around us was made clearer by them. Leonard Cohen for me just creates a different world. A world that is free of everything but full of questions. I think that’s a good way to live. It’s hard to live that way, but it gets you through. I always place Leonard Cohen as a poet before anything else, but his voice is so powerful. Some may seek singers that hit high notes and have a stupid range. I don’t want that. I want you to sing in a way that makes me feel like you are telling a story to my soul. Leonard Cohen does this, and so much more. I’ve many reasons as to why I adore him, that’s just one of them. I don’t think I could put the rest into words to be honest.

6. Otis Redding. I’ve found a pattern in the singers I love; they all basically sing songs about loss and pain. I’m a cheerful soul. Of all the Soul singers in the world that have existed, it was Otis Redding that I truly found a life-long love for. Everything about his voice makes you wish you were around when he was starting out. Imagine being one of the first to have heard his voice all those decades ago. His sad songs could break the hardest of hearts, but his joyful songs could bring tears of happiness to your eyes. He had the power to make you feel every single word he sang. He died far too young, everyone knows that. And I also think most know that Otis, although he had a short career, he was truly one of the best. I’ve got a bit of an issue with the term “Soul” music because all music should come from there and you should feel music right in your soul, but regardless- Otis oozed more soul than most.

5. Joey Ramone. No idea how to get into writing about Joey because let’s face it- he possessed the greatest voice in Punk. The way he towered over the mic stand. Pulling it to and fro like a man under a spell made you want to start something of your own. Easily one of the most distinctive voices of all time. His voice was like no other. His stage presence has obviously been an inspiration to many over the years. From how he stood to how he dressed. He wasn’t just part of a band, he was part of a movement that fuelled the souls of so many lost people. Myself included, and also justifies why I was born in the wrong era. To be in New York in the 70s would have been perfect. What do we have now? Of course we do have wonderful things, but imagine being part of one of the most powerful movements in music (and possibly society.) One of my most prized possession are my Ramones records. I rarely play them as I don’t want to ruin them; but when I do, I can truly hear all they stood for. Joey was the voice for so many, and you know what, he still is.

4. Lou Reed. I’m going to try keep this as short as possible because I truly have no issues with writing a massive essay about my love for Lou Reed. However all I want to say and could say about him has been said before. Again, this is another genius my uncle got me into. He got me into Velvet Underground then after he saw my love for them he told me to listen to Transformer. Is Transformer one of the best records made? Damn right it is. Wagon Wheel is one of my favourites for sure. I just love Lou’s style of writing. He’s a genuine story-teller who takes you into the underworld of all around you. You think all you see is all that exists, then you listen to a Lou Reed song and it’s like you fall into a different world. Something quite dark, wonderful and weird. You never want out of it. I think, once you listen to Lou- that’s it for life. Once you give yourself over to his words, you feel part of something that no one or nothing could tear you from. You even forgive him for that Lulu record because Transformer exists.

3. Scott Walker. I guess like most I have already mentioned, Scott Walker is an acquired taste. His debut record is by far one of the greatest records ever made. My Death is probably my favourite Scott Walker song, you know, with me being a ray of sunshine and all that. But in all seriousness, my love for Scott Walker came from of course, The Walker Brothers. His solo work is just a work of art. Every record is a masterpiece. You really cannot deny that he’s a genius. The way his mind works, the way he writes, the way he sings- he’s just out of this world. He’s an enigma, for sure. I cannot wait for his new record to come out in December. Every record of his sounds entirely different from the last; but they always remain timeless and as important as each other. To have a career that reads like that is rare, and something that should be treasured.

2. Don Van Vliet (Captain Beefheart.) A strange soul who made even stranger music. Safe As Milk changed a LOT for me. I think it honestly changed how I listened to music, and the ways it affected me. It opened up my mind. What did Trout Mask Replica do? Well, it freaked me out in the most pleasurable way for sure. I think it is one of the weirdest records I’ve ever heard.  I loved the way his mind worked. From his songs to his paintings- everything about him just oozed freedom and creativity. The two go hand in hand, but not many can make them work as perfect as Don Van Vliet did. He was a rare spirit that made you feel so free. When you listen to Safe As Milk, whether the first time around or if you’re a new fan, everything about it just gives you something you are never going to get again. I guess you can only get it from a Beefheart record. Certain musicians give you certain feelings, I think what Beefheart gave you is something that goes beyond words you know. I’ve tried so many times to pick a favourite song by Captain Beefheart, but instead I’ve narrowed it down to a moment. It’s when he says, “A squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is fast ‘n bulbous, got me?” at the start of Pachuco Cadaver. No idea what it means, but it’s wonderfully strange.

Okay so for Number 1 I just couldn’t decide. Bob Dylan or Morrissey. I can’t choose. There’s no way I can do that. So, joint first place are Bobby and Morrissey. So I’m going to keep it brief.

1. Bob Dylan. Where do you begin when attempting to write about your love for someone so inspiring? I have my mum to thank for my obsession with this man. I’m proud of my Dylan tattoo on the back of my neck. It’s of a song that guided me through hell and back. Through hell some more, and back again. His words provide guidance through life- the good and the bad. It is like he is reassuring you every step of the way. My mum used to sing Forever Young to me when I was a baby before I went to sleep. His music is perfect for long train journeys or just walking around on your own. He makes you feel okay with whatever is going on. You stare out to all you see with his words echoing delicately in your ear, and you’re to restart/carry on. I hold Blonde on Blonde very dear to my heart, and I think it is possibly my favourite Dylan record. But with so many, I think it is hard to choose a solid favourite yet it seems to always be the one I go to for various reasons.

1.Morrissey. I’ve always declared Morrissey as being the one true love of my life. Mainly because his words/songs have been there when I thought I had nothing else. Speedway has been the song that sums up my life for the most part, as does Alma Matters. Everyday Is Like Sunday fully describes where I unfortunately live. I could honestly write an essay about every Morrissey song and still feel I had more to say. His words are a safety net and a force of hope to guide you through. He manages to release every unwanted and wanted feeling you have ever had, and will have had. Dismiss him as a moody sod all you want; but maybe you are scared to see yourself in his words. Seeing him live..every single time feels like a healing process. For some reason, every time before I have seen him- something shit has gone on in my life, and I’ve seen him and it all feels okay. His music goes beyond just being music, and I know every Morrissey fan feels like that. He’s not someone you just stick on as background music. He’s the soundtrack to all you do. He’s someone I don’t think I could actually sit and listen to with. It’s a very personal experience, mainly because I relate to a vast majority of his lyrics. I just adore everything about him, he’s the reason as to why lyrics are so important to me. I wear my Morrissey tattoo on my arm with unconditional love and pride. He changed my life and saved my life; that’s why he’s my number 1.

“I’m dealing in rock’n’roll. I’m, like, I’m not a bona fide human being.”

It is obvious that Phil Spector is THE greatest record producer of all time. Wall Of Sound has influenced, and still does influenced so many. The way the drums are produced to echo so loudly and so grand is just beautiful. He has produced some of the best records of all time. Anyone who can start a movement in music like that is a genius. Aside from Punk, girl groups from the 1960s well and truly own my heart. I love the production in everything. How the vocals sound so perfect and clear.

I know that Mr.Spector isn’t exactly the posterchild for clean living- but his personal life has nothing to do with you or I. He has produced so many records from the likes of The Ronnettes to the Ramones. His songs are still being covered to this very day. What he created also influenced one of the greatest records of all time; Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. I don’t go out of my way to purposely find new muisc. A lot of the time, I listen to stuff that was made decades before I was born. It’s frustrating because nothing will ever be as amazing as that again. Music now will never have that power. It’s a shame, and it always makes me believe I was born in the wrong era. Imagine hearing songs by The Crystals or The Girlfriends for the very first time- as it was happening.

So, this week’s mix is going to be my favourite tracks that Phil Spector produced. Songs that still cover me in goose bumps when I listen them now. Songs that I will search for eternity to find on vinyl because I know they will sound so much better; and will have that vulnerable feel to it that sounds so much more intense and painful accompanied with the crackling background noise.

These are the songs that define Phil Spector’s career and the era of the Wall Of Sound. Enjoy :