I was thinking about something earlier as I was leaving the house to go the gym. My days off are spent there in the hopes I can somehow change how I look and stop disliking myself as much as I do. Self-hate doesn’t leave you, does it? Or maybe it does. Maybe I am set to loath myself in my 20’s so I can learn to like myself from 30 onwards. I’ve got 4 years left of this, maybe I’ll go against this theory. Or maybe I’ll give in to it. It depends. I use my stubborn ways for the wrong thing. Always bad, never good.
So this thing about self-hate. I dislike it when people say things such as “I AM SO VILE. I AM SO FAT.” when they weigh next to nothing. The worst kind put this on certain websites. No one really cares about how much you hate yourself. You see, I dislike myself but I’m not going to announce it everywhere for attention. In a way, I’ve just “announced” it but no one I know or whatever reads this so it doesn’t matter. I’m not doing this for pity or for anyone to say “You’ve got a good face. You’re okay as you are.” I don’t want that. I don’t want any form of attention. Good or bad. If I get a hair cut, please don’t notice. Just don’t pick up on it. Go look at something else. Like a painting; that’s much more interesting.
I don’t dislike myself because I’m a miserable twat. I just do. There’s no explanation to it; but I constantly work on trying not to. I don’t dislike myself as much as I did when I was a teenager or going back a few years. You have to take baby steps with things like that. I don’t go to the gym because I want the body of a stick insect. Far from it. I have in my head, a goal. I’ve not told anyone nor will I ever. I know a person’s weight or appearance doesn’t define them, but we live in a judgemental world sadly. I get constantly told to stop wearing black all the time. Am I going to? Am I fuck. I’d go out in my superhero pjs if I could (one of the many brilliant presents my girlfriend got me for my birthday.) but they’re a bit long and I’d trip up.
I thought that, the older I get; the less dislike I’d have for myself. To an extent I’m right. I doubt myself a lot, especially with writing. I don’t do it because I want someone to say I’m any good. I do it because if I thought I was good, I’d stop. Self-doubt isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it is the one thing that can make you carry on. It lasts longer than hope. I’ve never been good at much, and I don’t mean it in a bad way. Some part of me just doesn’t settle. Or maybe doesn’t want to. The thought of being in one place for the rest of my life makes me feel sick. Maybe this is because I’ve never really felt at home anywhere. Maybe I should work on that, or maybe it’s okay to carry on drifting through. I’m alright with being unnoticed. I don’t think my purpose in life is to be noticed. Why would I want that.
I think a lot of people think they’re not good enough, but surely if you surround yourself with people who make you feel inadequate then you are hanging around the wrong kind of people? I could be wrong. I could be right.
You’ll make friends and enemies on the way. You’ll have good days, you’ll have bad days. You’ll like yourself, you’ll dislike yourself. But NEVER any account must you let someone make you feel shit about yourself, ever. You can do that all by yourself, but it’s easier to understand and control. You don’t always have to walk with your head held high, sometimes the cracks in the pavement are much more interesting than your surroundings. You don’t stop learning. Time is a drag, and it seems like it is never on our side. Someone will love you even if you cannot stand yourself. You may not be able to understand how or why; but they do. It is there. They are there.
The uncool and the lonely trade nauseating stories about how hard it is; how leaving the house is a chore. How standing up rids them of energy, sitting down zones them out. Some kind of feeling takes them over. The find some kind of identity in the songs that cause others to feel as if their ears are bleeding. They feel like something full of shame. Full of shame, drained of devotion. How you seen it happen? A haunting glare is in their eyes. Maybe you’ve been this person. Maybe you’re getting there. There is always one person you fight to not be anything like that. Their traits make you feel ill. The things they’ve said and done are placed inside of you; you’ve let it go but it doesn’t let you go. It is frustrating because you are someone who doesn’t have a tight grip. But this thing…this THING has got a grip on you. You could call it a death grip, but you know it won’t be the end of you. For you know you’ll rise above it.
I mean, it is fairly easy to get sucked into something you despise, and turning your back on it also exhausts you. Self-exclusion is a sign of strength, but others don’t see it that way. But why should you care how others see it? Do what you want, always.
It is draining stopping yourself being like someone you cannot allow yourself to be. Sometimes someone says, “You’ve got their eyes” or “I’ve seen that look before from….” That shit crushes you, but you carry on. The only person who can stop you from doing anything or being anything is yourself I guess. Comments can put your self-belief in the ground. You seem to caress the bad and shun the bad. Why is that? Because the shit people say about us, that ruins us- is easier to believe. You’ll pull yourself above it at some point. Patience gets you further than anything else. As you get older, you learn that more than before.
Eternal youth starts inside. The lines on your face and the heaviness in your eyes are stories. Tell them how you want, but tell it from the heart.
I know the second I publish this I will want to change everything. I hate that I do this, but maybe I’ll write this and not look back on it. I hate looking back on anything I ever write because I always find fault. It is like looking in the mirror the second before you leave the house, and you think “I’m actually going to go outside with this face, and people will see…shit.” But, some things you have to do. Of course I don’t have to do this, but I want to. Mainly because I may be slightly bored. I don’t even know.
Lyrics are hugely important to me. I won’t care for a song unless I feel something for the lyrics. Lyrics can make you feel less alone, less shit and just give you comfort that you cannot get from a person. Yes it is all well and good knowing you are loved and can love; but at 4am when you’re alone and you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom- sometimes all you have is a song. You may turn on the radio and you catch a part of a song that just sums up how you feel. Or you may play your favourite song of all time to just get a piece of mind. So you can fall asleep without anything disturbing your mind.
There are so many songs I could have chosen for this. I know I have missed some out, and that alone pisses me off. I’ve limited myself to ten lyrics, but I know I could easily listen a lot more. These aren’t lyrics that I thought were clever or sounded good. They are lyrics that just mean a lot to me. Okay, so maybe the Swim Deep lyric I chose may not mean a lot- but the innocence behind it means a lot. Oh and they reference Warpaint so obviously I needed to mention it. One of my main issues was choosing which Dum Dum Girls lyric to use. Mine Tonight, Lord Knows and I Got Nothing have all got lyrics that mean a lot to me. All of End Of Daze is so pure and beautiful. But I went with Season In Hell because this specific line just grabbed me a bit more, I guess. I’m writing this listening to End Of Daze, and I’m close to changing my mind… I’ll try to refrain from doing so.
So, in order..here are my favourite lyrics of 2012 (I know it’s October but the world may end on 21st December so I’m just being prepared.)
10. Swim Deep-King City : “And fuck your romance. I wanna pretend that Jenny Lee Lindberg is my girlfriend.” When I sing this, I always change it to all members of Warpaint. Sometimes I just use Emily Kokal’s name instead. I remember hearing this song for the first time and just being utterly in awe of the dream-like atmosphere they create with their sound. They are truly one of the best bands to have come out of Birmingham in a bloody long time. If their debut record comes out next year, I reckon it’ll easily be one of the best things we hear.
9. Mystery Jets-Someone Purer : “I was gripped with a bit of fear. Worried the one thing that I loved back when I was just a kid, might now never be enough.” Radlands is one of the best records of the year, that is so obvious. The opening of Someone Purer is one of my favourites of the year. Blaine’s delicate voice makes you cling onto every single word right from the start. You tremble and identify with every word. We’re told that, as we get older we should be more sure of ourselves. Thing is, I think someone of us get older and become less sure of ourselves. It is seen as a bad thing, but I don’t believe it is. We’re all works in progress and you cannot progress if you think you are above change and being honest with yourself. You can adapt to your surroundings, but at some point you know you want to be more. You want to see more. Someone Purer echoes adult frustrations through child-like innocence. It is just beautiful.
8. Willis Earl Beal- Monotony : “Could it be malaise? Or am I depressed? Just a life-long phase. I am not indirect, don’t consider me blessed. But don’t consider me cursed, in this chaotic mess. I guess that it could be worse.” Willis Earl Beal is the year’s greatest solo male artist. Sure he’s been around quite some time now, but his debut record came out this year and when I listened to it, Monotony was the song that gripped itself around my heart and head. These lyrics alone just show the sheer genius of Willis. His music hits you right in the soul.
7. Saint Lou Lou-Maybe You : “And if you’ve got an emptiness inside, you should let our worlds recollide.” I’m fairly sure Maybe You is my favourite song of the year. All year I had been waiting for a song to have this hold on me. I have to listen to it about 20 times a day or I just feel a bit sad. The lyrics are quite sad, but the music is so soothing and gentle. Yet, when you truly listen to it- you feel your heart-break. I know nobody ever wants to feel sad. But the sadness you get from listening to Maybe You is the kind of sadness that can be created and cured by the same thing. Music does this a lot, it’s not a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to feel sad; to remind yourself. However, the song also offers some reassurance and any wrong that has been done to you doesn’t have to matter. One person will get you through, even if their eyes are sad.
6. Garbage-Beloved Freak : “People lie and people steal. They misinterpret how you feel. And so we doubt and we conceal.” Garbage are my life so whatever I say about this song, I have more than likely said about their songs a hundred times before. They’re one of the few bands that, when I mention them or if anyone mentions them to me, I just feel instantly better. Not Your Kind Of People was the only record this year that I had truly truly been waiting for. It was all I wanted, and had been wanting for so long. I guess this year everything I wanted/had waited for, had actually happened. Some are music based, but the most important thing wasn’t music based. But I’m not telling you. You don’t need to know. What I love about Garbage is how vulnerable Shirley’s lyrics are. One every record of theirs, they have at least 2 or 3 songs that just ooze vulnerability. Or songs that are for those who aren’t sure and a bit lost. Run Baby Run to Medication to The Trick Is To Keep Breathing to Tell Me Where It Hurts and all in-between. Beloved Freak made me bawl when I first heard it, and I still get teary-eyed when I play it. It is the perfect end to a wonderful record. It just makes you feel less horrendous and allows a small dose of self-acceptance to creep in. Something we all need.
5. Cat Power- Always On My Own : “I want to live my way of living.” Everything I just said above about Garbage, I feel about Cat Power. Sun was another record I had been bursting to hear this year. Highly anticipated and greatly loved from the first listen. I cannot pick a favourite song off Sun, but I can easily pick my favourite lyric. This line is just so utterly perfect and so fucking true. When you have to change your way of living because of your surroundings, it gets you down. It breaks you and ruins you. Then you leave; and you’re happy. Then you come back, and you’re just a shell of who you are. Yet, the only good thing is that the ones you love don’t get to see that. Imagine if they saw you at your lowest. No thanks. Cat Power has always provided comfort for the soul. My love for You Are Free is insane. That record is like a guide for life. I guess most of her songs can be seen as that. I just love her so much.
4. Beach House-Myth : “Can’t keep hanging on to what is dead and gone. If you build yourself a myth, you’d know just what to give. Materialise, or let the ashes fly.” I remember where I was and the day when I first heard Myth. I needed it. I was just about to leave here to try start my life again somewhere else. My life consists of false starts; this eventually would turn into a massive false start, but I had to do it. I’ll probably keep doing it, and I may never get it right. Beach House are good for the soul. Beach House mend you. They put you back together again. They make every part of you feel warm and loved; even if you are without love. They make you feel as if you are in love, even if you’re not with anyone at all. The power in their music constantly leaves me in awe. So delicate and ethereal. For me, Myth is the process of letting go. Let go of the bad, and create something better. It may be make believe for others, but who cares? So long as you believe, nothing else matters. This specific part of the song just means the world to me. You know when something is so personal, no words can actually describe it and all it means to you? That’s how I feel about it, and how I feel about the vast majority of their songs.
3. Metric-Artificial Nocturne : “I’m just as fucked up as they say. I can’t fake the daytime. Found an entrance to escape into the dark. Got false lights for the sun. It’s an artificial nocturne; it’s an outsider’s escape for a broken heart.” Oh Emily Haines. How you manage to unleash a fraction of my thoughts in one verse. You’ve done it again. You always do it. This is another example of a perfect album opener. Hearing this was enough for me to know Synthetica was going to be an incredible record. I’m still going through my phase of playing this song about 5 times before I play the rest of the record. Artificial Nocturne just shows that Emily Haines is more than a song-writer. Her words are poetry. Her words are life, her life, your life, my life- everything. There is something so vital about this song. It provides a lifeline. It gives hope. It makes you feel as if she is projecting all your ugly feelings and making them into something beautiful. We all need that, sometimes we need it more times than we care to acknowledge.
2. Crocodiles- No Black Clouds For Dee Dee : “No more lost girls walking from you. No more sickness sleeping in you. No more fools spit judgements on you. No more dead birds raining on you.” Quite possibly the best love song of the year. Endless Flowers is probably my favourite full length record of the year. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love them. After FINALLY seeing them live this year, and this song too; my love for them just grew. I didn’t think it could, but it turns out after waiting over 3 years to see a band that mean more than the world to you, causes your love and admiration for them to just explode. I could pick any song off Endless Flowers, but I chose No Black Clouds For Dee Dee because it is such an honest yet simple love song. It just oozes devotion and the urge to look after the one you love. When you listen to this, you cannot help but think of the one you love. The keeper of your heart. Romance and love isn’t expensive gifts and pretentious prose. Romance and love is being totally honest and gentle actions. This song just portrays this in the most beautiful and open way possible. I love everything about this song.
1. Dum Dum Girls- Season In Hell : “A confession’s not a cure. There’s always darkness to endure, on the path to be redeemed.” At first I wanted to go with something from Lord Knows. Then I went to Mine Tonight. I decided on Season In Hell because I just really love this lyric. I cannot tell you how many times I have played End Of Daze since it came in the post last week. It’s on constant repeat. I play it EVERYWHERE. Season In Hell is just perfect. It makes you feel GOOD. The line I chose to use is so true, so apt. Dee Dee is one of my favourite song-writers easily. I personally feel she is my generation’s Patti Smith. Her words are so powerful, even when they seem quite frail and delicate. You take such strength from it because you know someone else has endured the same battle as you. I could quite happily write a thousand more words on this song, this lyric but you just have to listen to it, to fully understand how important it is. The whole song just lifts your spirits. Not everything stays shit forever. You won’t feel like this forever, because nothing in life is permanent. Not even life itself. I love the ending too, “Lift your gaze, it’s the end of daze.” It is just wonderful. There are so many words I could use to describe the lyric I chose, but none are good enough. All I know is that it is my favourite I’ve heard all year, pretty much speaks for itself really.
“I can piss away my cash, my time I can’t get back.”
My love for Crocodiles is on a par with my love for The Cure, Morrissey and hugs. Since 2009 they’ve been a solid source of comfort, and an outlet for any frustration I may encounter. Last Tuesday they played a free gig at Rough Trade. I extended my trip in England basically so I could see them. During that week some amazing things happened. Seeing Crocodiles and another thing (it’s personal, so shush) was basically my highlight and improved this year.
I don’t want to talk about the free gig, I want to talk about how when you wait for something for so long- that moment when it is finally yours, well no one can take it from you. Nothing can reach you. You feel invincible and as if you can take on the world. The music is your cape, cloak the world with your power.
I’ve already written about how my love for Crocodiles started, and how they dragged me through what I thought at the time-was a really bad patch. Turns out, I’ve gone through worse and I’m still here (sorry to those who hate that.) Their music for me goes beyond anything else. When I saw them last week, I just felt an explosion of being content with everything. I guess I had to because I spent £5 on a Jameson & coke in a bar beforehand and it cost me £5. London, sort out your whiskey prices please. I love you, but this is going to cause tension.
This year, after waiting since 2005 to see them- I saw The Horrors. After waiting 3 years, I finally saw Crocodiles. I guess this year, for all the things I have waited for- they finally happened. Music is pretty much the centre of my tiny universe. It keeps me going. It gives me what I need to carry on. My love for Crocodiles is something I cannot put into words. I chickened out of going up to Brandon and Charles to tell them how much it meant to me to see them. I suppose I didn’t want to seem like some creepy fool. I’m nearly 26, not 14- but I had a bit of fear. I guess when you’ve been in awe of a band for so long, it is a bit daunting. However, they’re not assholes so I guess if I blurted out “YOUR MUSIC KEEPS ME SANE” I’m pretty sure they’d be okay with that. But anyway. Next time. Hopefully.
For me it was hearing All My Hate And My Hexes Are For You and No Black Clouds For Dee Dee that just made me insanely happy. They are two songs right now that mean the world to me. I obviously have a lot of love for I Wanna Kill, and the first verse of that song means more to me than I can get my head around. To see them play to about 30 people (there may have been more, I wasn’t really paying the crowd attention) was just perfect. It may not have been a full set, but I didn’t care. For those 45 minutes or so, I got to see one of my favourite bands ever.
When you wait for something, no matter what it is and you finally have it. Whether it be seeing a band, a record finally coming out, being with that one person who doesn’t make you feel every kind of ugly-anything. When you have that moment, no matter how long or short it is- you cling onto it for the rest of your time here. That moment just stays with you, and when you are alone- it makes the time pass quicker. You remember parts of it, and you carry on; carrying the memory with you.
Music has the power to change everything. To be everything. Last Tuesday, I felt that more than ever. I closed my eyes, sang along and swayed. It was like I was the only person in the room with Crocodiles. Every so often I caught a glimpse of the crowd and didn’t see many people singing, but I say a few sway their bodies. Truly feeling the music in their bones.
If by some strange stroke of luck they see this; Brandon and Charles, thank you. Not just for last Tuesday but for the music. For always, and forever. Thank you is all I’ve got.
The music can do the talking, and I will loathe myself for doing this. Anyway.
This is for the eyes and ears of one. One that will more than likely not see this, and if they do..they may not get that it is for them. At least there is always the “delete” option. That’ll happen, that I know. Tame your honesty. Use other people’s words. Gentle…gentle.
They’ll bring up your mistakes and make you out to be a on a par with vicious people. That’s what they do. Who are THEY? They can be enemies, friends, families or just wretched fuckers who cannot control themselves. Control. Control. What a broad thing it is, what a pain it is. Self-control is something everyone wants. They want to know what they’re doing, they want to have a grip on it. I;ve accepted I’ll never know what’s going on. I press play, stick my headphones in and hope my favourite song gives me answers. Or hope. Or something. Pray, beg, cry out for a punch in the face because physical pain is easier to deal with than the torment you drag yourself through. I don’t listen to myself, and maybe that’s a bad thing. But if you can make sense of this, then you’re better than I am. A song doesn’t always have to give you the answers though. Sometimes a person can just make you realise that maybe…just maybe, you’re not so bad after all. You love this person with all you have, and more. You’d try to tell them but you’d just sound a bit daft. But you live in hope that they know, and one day realise this. But until then, you listen to songs to send you off into a dream.
Don’t come down from that cloud. Keep your head in them, because the come-down is such a drag. It’s all a drag. But there’s something morbidly euphoric about feeling so low, really low and knowing you can never sink that far down again. I don’t know if I’ve ever hit rock bottom. I think if I did, I wouldn’t tell anyone. There’s only so much ugliness one can show another, right? We hide beauty because we think we’re not good enough. A person can be so perfect for you, but they will claim otherwise. I don’t know how this works. Or maybe I do, and I just don’t want to expand on it.
You see, this euphoric state we all long to be in can be found anywhere. There’s one person that you wish you could look at right now, and feel that way- right? Of course. There’s a song that takes you there. It’s not a lullaby, you don’t want to be swayed until you fall into a wonderful slumber. You want something to hurl you into a different world. Do you want to take someone with you? Everything feels super cosmic and you cannot be touched. The eyes are more powerful than the hands. You can fake a hug, but not a gaze. I fail at staring competitions because I always want to laugh. I want to laugh at everything. Mainly because crying gives me a headache.
Anyway, something can put you on a permanent or temporary high. Some of the best music made gives you that high. No, you don’t need to be off your face on something to feel it. You’ve just got to open your soul and expand your mind. Free yourself, and don’t let a person tell you that you’re worth nothing. Know your own worth, and if you can’t do that- someone will show you.
With love comes kindness. With kindness comes patience. With patience comes anything you wish. Wait.
If you feel like you belong in this world, that you were born at the right time then you are so lucky. If you don’t feel empty when you see what your generation are into, then you are lucky. If you can relate, then man..how do you do it? Reality shows are fake and pointless. Books are being turned into devices. Record stores are closing. And I don’t understand why people use Instagram. Why do people take photos of their food? If I wanted to know what you ate, I probably would’ve asked if you wanted to go for dinner. I don’t get it. I don’t hate everything around me; far from it. I just don’t really hold much hope, love or like even towards modern life. I hate that I was born when I was, and grew up to see cultures turn cold and reliant on things that can break instantly.
Some bands are hell-bent on recreating a sound that was done in the 70s/80s. Some do it really well without making it obvious. However some just look silly. It’s like that time everyone thought neon paint and “bringing back” the 80s was a good idea. I guess current times are so shit, we must stay in the past. Again, I don’t get it.
I don’t really understand people who claim to only listen to music that isn’t current you know? Do you have ANY idea what you’re missing out on? From 2:54 to Crocodiles to King Dude to Warpaint and all in-between. There’s so much good music that you’re missing out on. I know, I know we will never have an album as powerful as Psychocandy or as creepy as Seventeen Seconds or as wonderful as Viva Hate. It’s okay. Trust me, it’s alright.
But modern life (aside from some music) is a drag. It’s a chore to get up and carry on, I know. I fully understand. If I didn’t force myself to go to the gym every morning I’d probably stay in my room and not go out. Not because modern life is toss, but for many other reasons. You have to force yourself to carry on and do what you can. You just have to. The alternative isn’t exactly something that appeals.
You twist, you turn. You fight with yourself, you fight with anyone who will listen. You declare you’re not good enough. You know why? Because your surroundings make you believe that you’re worth nothing. Thing is, we’re all worth something. Maybe not to ourselves but to one person for sure. I know I should pay attention to what I write; but I just can’t. I don’t think I could ever fully believe in myself and not carry some self-doubt you know. I just think, if I ever thought I was good at something I would never do it again. If I thought I was a decent Music Writer, I’d stop. I’m not looking for a pat on the back or for someone to say I’m any good. Far from it. This is my venting my frustrations at life and how we are becoming more numb to all we see, and all we are. People are caring less and less. My problem is that I probably care too much. I don’t care what people think about me because 1 or 2 people truly know me. As you get older, you realise what matters. You slowly see that people are as cruel as school kids in the playground. They will stab you in the back, and through the heart too. Whilst trying to fuck with your mind. People aren’t as loving as they once were.
Where I live everyone looks the same. I try not to look up when I leave the house. If I look up and around, my self-hate will go through the roof. Eye contact just doesn’t happen. The pavement is my friend. The cracks are the tales of fury. They cracked because they couldn’t take it anymore. I fully understand.
I hate where I am, and the harder I try to get out; the further I am knocked back.
So I play music as loud as I can in my ears. Just to drown out everything, and everyone. It’s working. I’ll get out, even if I have to fucking crawl.
Fools judge, so spit the cold words back at them. Ever look at something and think, “Fuck I can’t be here.” So you try your hardest to transport all your thoughts elsewhere? This happened to me today. Sure it happens most of the time to be honest. But today it was more vivid than usual. You don’t want to have these thoughts whilst on a treadmill, it can cause accidents. I was fine. I’m steady. I’m quite clumsy at times though. My attention is easily diverted. I’m writing this and doing about 3 other things because this isn’t enough to hold my attention. I’m going somewhere better than just typing words on a screen.
The only thing that can truly hold my attention is music. Okay a couple of people do too..but music is a solid. I think it is the only secure thing in my life. That said; I really dislike organisation and being told what to do. I hate being rushed. Hate it. Nothing in life needs to be rushed. Move at the pace of a sloth..well, maybe a bit quicker but you know what I mean. You gather up your thoughts and place them in boxes in your mind. I don’t do that. Everything is pushed back. In a heap. This for me, isn’t a bad thing. I’m more likely to have a song playing round my head than anything else.
The escapism is still there; always. I always want to leave where I am. Always. I probably came out of the womb wishing I was born elsewhere. They teach you to do what you want, but when you do some fuck says you’re wrong. But you aren’t wrong. They’re wrong.
Something will always take over you. Something will make you snap. I long for the day where I can leave and never come back. It’ll be a moment I look back on and feel I’ve finally done something right. Sometimes you want to tear your eyes out in the hopes a new pair grow back and you see things differently. Just because you can see things differently doesn’t mean your heart feels any different.
Kicking and screaming. Dragging and wailing. Get out. Find a sound and let it take you over. Get out. Just get out.
But I am incapable of taking my own advice, and I hate the way I write.
Over the past few weeks..maybe months I have ended up playing the same few songs every day on repeat. Fully aware no one will care about what I’m listening to, but maybe one person does. If one person does, then goes to listen to the following songs and likes them- then I’m okay with that. I have no idea how many I’m going to list as there’s a few. I’ll try cut it down.
My love for Jesca is BIG. Big love for her. Her voice is stunning. She is a fascinating artists. She needs to be huge. I want her to take over the world and as many hearts as possible in the process. This song is bloody brilliant. Born To is quite inspirational, then again it depends on the kind of person you are really. Anyway, I think the chorus is just beautiful. I love her..that’s all there is to it really.
POLIÇA are SO good. This is the kind of music you just zone out to. Nothing really matters when you listen to them. That’s what you need, you need something that just cancels everything out. It’s sort of like having a friend or whatever that means more to than anything, and no one or nothing can take you away from it. I could be wrong. It’s a beautiful song. Their debut record is utterly perfect. It’s like Heaven in record form.
Alright, I cannot put into words how much I love Metric and how excited I am that their new record is FINALLY here. Was it worth the wait? It’s Metric! Of course it bloody well was. I love this song SO much. Probably my favourite off the album, and if you don’t have it- why not? Mug someone for the money if you must, and buy it. I just love it. Artificial Nocturne is such a wonderful opener to Synthetica. I love the lyrics so much. “I’m just as fucked up as they say I can’t fake the daytime . Found an entrance to escape into the dark. Got false lights for the sun. It’s an artificial nocturne. It’s an outsider’s escape for a broken heart.” Think I’ve found my favourite lyric of the year.
You know how much I love Crocodiles. They’ve pretty much been my life since 2009. They’ve dragged me out of hell and into whatever I seem to be in now. All three of their records mean a lot to me. Endless Flowers is EASILY in my Top 3 favourites of the year. I cannot fault, why would I want to? How could you find fault in this band? You just can’t. Endless Flowers is going to get me through Summer. I’m going to need all the help I can get. I did want to choose another track, but I think (I may be wrong) Endless Flowers is the next single. It’s bloody excellent anyway!
THEESatisfaction are a duo that pretty much, again back up my theory that duos are the best. There’s something about two people making music. You feel more connected because you know they probably work harder as there’s less of them. Just look at The Kills, Beach House etc- you can feel the connection so deeply. You cling onto every word. THEESatisfaction are incredible. Their record will blow your mind. They’re one band I am utterly desperate to see live.
I never would’ve listened to this song if I didn’t know Shirley Manson had co-written this song. I never would’ve known Sky had a new song out if it wasn’t for Sky. I’ve had this on repeat most of the day. And yes, I love the video. Sky is beautiful. I can ignore the bastarding thing with 8 legs that’s all up in this video and accept it is art. I really can. The bass in the intro reminds me of that song, Owner Of A Lonely Heart for some odd reason. I absolutely ADORE this song. And you know, regardless who co-wrote it or not- this song is fucking insane. It feels like a massive “FUCK YOU.” For that reason alone, it reminds me of Garbage’s Stupid Girl. I just love this song. And if her new record sounds like this, I’m buying it. Actually, I’ll probably buy it anyway. So long as there are no more spiders featured…
My love for Cold Cave is EXACTLY like my love for Crocodiles. I discovered them both at the same time. On the same day. I’ll always remember it. Something so miserable turned into something worth sticking around. I’ve ALWAYS had much love for Wes (I was a fan of American Nightmare.) I love his lyrics. He’s extremely clever, dark and intense. Everything I love really. I just love this b-side a hell of a lot. His lyrics never cease to amaze me.
Patti Smith’s new record, Banga is perfect. That’s the only word to describe it. I could pick any song off the record, but I had to..I just had to pick her tribute to Amy Winehouse. We’re sadly (it never should’ve happened) approaching a year since Amy died. I’ve not listened to her music since that day. No part of me has been able to sit down and listen to it. I just cannot do it. I wish I could because I used to play her music every single day. Since she died..I physically cannot do it. Patti’s tribute to Amy Winehouse is just beautiful. I hope her family hear it, I really do. For someone such as Patti to do this is truly wonderful. Most just give Amy a quick mention in thank yous or whatever- but Patti has created such a beautiful tribute. You take it as a reminder that Amy was so delicate and loving, no matter what- we must never forget that.
Swim Deep put out the best song of the year with King City. Don’t question it, don’t doubt it. These lads are the best thing to have come out of Birmingham in such a long time. They’re just fucking insane. Beach Justice is equally as perfect as King City. King City mentions Jenny Lee Lindberg from Warpaint, so obviously I’m going to have a lot of love. Beach Justice has a more, and as much as I hate to use it, “dream-pop” feel to than other songs I’ve heard from them. I’ve pretty much abused my soundcloud account listening to Swim Deep all the time. I’m not even sorry. Swim Deep truly show London up. Don’t always assume London is where it is at! Pay close attention to Swim Deep. Best new band of the year. Easily.
2:54 have no doubt, put out the best debut record of the year. I could’ve picked any song off the record. I probably would’ve put the whole thing up, but I settled with Easy Undercover because for some reason (which I am currently trying to forget) the lyrics mean the most. I’ve had the record on constant repeat since it came out. I cannot bring myself to take the cd out of my cd player. I cannot go outside and listen to anything but this band. Since 2010 I’ve been in love with them. The first few seconds of Creeping stole my heart away. You know how I feel about Warpaint? Well, it happened with 2:54. They just have something that is not in any other band around right now. Every song they’ve done (album and b-sides) well, they’re just everything I love about music. I’m going to stop before this turns into a “Reasons as to why I love 2:54” thing again.
I took a walk just now. Whilst walking, a Metric song came on and it just made me realise that it is okay to be my age (25) and still be a dreamer. Someone who isn’t always sure of everything around them, but knows what they want. They do all they can to get it, but something gets in the way. That something at times, holds you back. But you still keep going. Sometimes a song is all it takes for you to keep on dreaming. To keep everything in you alive. It is hard, I bloody well know it is. You see, I’ve been a freelancing fool for 6 and a half years now. I’ve had this site since early 2008. I’ve had times where I wanted to just say “Fuck this..fuck it all. I can’t no more.” The constant self-doubt I carry on my back keeps me going. If I ever thought I was good at something, I wouldn’t do it. The self-doubt makes me work harder I guess. If I didn’t write, I’d probably be sectioned. I’d gnaw at my hands and rip my eyes out from frustration. Yet, for some stupid reason, I feel the need to write. I have no idea who reads this. Or even why someone would read the nonsense I write, but I just want to thank you. If I could buy you a cup of tea and hug you- I would. If you’re a friend of mine, that’s pretty cool. But I know none of my friends read this. It’s cool. I’m pretty sure most read this and think, “What the hell is this idiot doing? I can do better than her. She’s useless.” Probably. You probably can. I do it for the love of music. I don’t do it for any other reason. I know I want to make a living from this, but truth be told-I never will. I guess you cannot put a price on something you love. So this is going to be a collection of songs that make me feel alright with being a dreamer, I guess. Thing is, I know what the reality around me is. I’m not happy with it, but only I can change it.
Maybe one day, one of my daft dreams will come true. Maybe one day I’ll get some poetry published. Maybe I’ll write a book. Maybes are okay- but you cannot live off them. Keep the dream alive, and do what you need to do. The following songs just give me hope, in their own unique non-conventional way.
Beat In My Bones. 