Tag Archives: Crocodiles

CROCODILES @Zerox, Newcastle 28th August 2025.

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Thursday night was my 20th Crocodiles show (it was also the bands 100th show with their current lineup) and it was without a doubt; the best I’ve ever seen them. Of course, my view will be entirely biased because I love that band a hell of a lot, but others at the show said the same thing so, I reckon it’s a fair comment!

The night before, my girlfriend and I had been in Edinburgh to see Chappell Roan and that was something else. Getting back to the hotel at 3am was not the same magical experience and we spent most of Thursday asleep. I think the pizza from Scream For Pizza cured me though. Hands down best vegan pizza I’ve had. I’ll probably say this throughout- but Zerox is my favourite gig venue. My heart does belong to the Shacklewell Arms and I think the Brudenell in Leeds is next level BUT Zerox has something else. It has something I can’t quite describe but it was the perfect place to see Crocodiles for sure.

If you’ve never seen Crocs before, then you may not be sure what to expect. However, don’t do what I did and stand right at the front next to the speaker. It’s been 2 days and my hearing in my right ear is slowly coming back. Anyway, if you’ve not injured yourself in some way at a show- have you even had a good time?! Charlie gently placed a Palestine flag on the stage before the band started, and it just reinforced my love for the band. Crocodiles are for the people. They are for those who get overlooked and they will always speak out. Sometimes they speak louder than most, and it’s why I adore them.

The hour and a bit that they are on stage is what sheer joy feels like. They play all the hits such as Wait Until Tomorrow, Love Beyond The Grave and Upside Down In Heaven but for me, it was Brandon dedicating Mirrors to little old me. I didn’t expect it and I felt like a little kid. The last time someone did this was probably around 8 or 9 years ago, and it was Tall Juan covering Chinese Rocks by the Ramones. I felt so cool! That feeling came back around and was the perfect way to make show number 20. There is something so special about seeing a band you adore live, and being able to see them in a new city is always good too (even if you did feel half dead beforehand!)

Since Raz died, I have honestly found it tough to write about music. I’ve got a lot that I probably need to listen to and write about, but I think seeing Crocodiles has slowly brought that love back and the love for writing. They always get me through. Their set was incredible and I’m pretty sure that when I turned to my girlfriend during the start of their cover of 1969, she probably thought something was wrong with me (more than usual!) It was a ripper of a cover and I hope they keep playing it. There was once a video on YouTube of their take on I Wann Be Your Dog but I’ve searched endlessly for it, and it’s gone. I hope their cover of 1969 makes it online somewhere because it is SO good. They ended the night with another cover- Jet Boy, Jet Girl which always goes down well. They sure know how to make classic songs their own. It’s part of what makes them great. The crowd were gorgeous in every way too and it was so good to see people appreciate Crocodiles in a way that they absolutely deserve. They have my heart for sure!

There’s a handful of bands that I love that I could happily watch play every night, and Crocodiles are one of them. It was easily the best show I’ve seen them play and I think maybe part of it was due to the venue and how you could sense a true feeling of community there. The venue wasn’t rammed but it was definitely full of love for the beloved band from San Diego.

Hearing a large chunk of songs from their latest record Upside Down In Heaven (2023) was so good and it’s safe to say that songs like I’ve Become What I Fear Most and Surfing With Death live are unreal. It makes you appreciate the record even more. They’ve released 9 or 10 records, and each one shows just why they are one of the best bands around and you can truly tell they love what they do when they are on that stage and the bond, they all have with each other is just a joy to watch. Seeing Charlie swing that guitar of his around like a machine gun will never ever get old!

I hope they play Zerox again because I will happily use annual leave from my job to travel to see them. An incredible venue.

Also, it’s vital to say that Jade Hairpins were on before Crocs, and they were gorgeous. Jonah from the band donned Charlie’s slick long leather jacket during Crocs setlist and stood at the front which was one of those “you had to be there” moments. If you weren’t there, then you missed out! Jade Hairpins played an incredible set too, but what do you expect when you’ve got members from Fucked Up there, right?!

In short, the show was just a dream. A wild and sweaty dream, and one I’m going to remember for some time.

CROCODILES: Upside Down In Heaven.

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I feel like I’ve waited a lifetime for the new Crocodiles record. They always seem to release a record at the right time. This is record number 8, and every record makes you feel like you are listening to the band for the very first time.

Their first record came out in 2009, and if you’ve never listened to their music before- I urge you to spend some time and listen to everything in chronological order. You’ll hear growth but you’ll also fall in love with their distinctive sound. It’s in Brandon’s vocals, it’s in Charlie’s guitar playing- it’s in the bond they have with each other. It’s unlike anything else. 8 records in and there’s nothing and no one quite like them.

Usually when a band I’m a fan of release a few singles before the record comes out, I listen to them over and over. I’ve done it differently with Upside Down In Heaven- prior to the release today, all I had listened to was Degeneration. I wanted everything I heard today to be brand new, and spend my day off work playing it over and over. I’ll be spending many days like this, and just soaking up this record because it’s just unreal.

Could I ever pick my favourite record by Crocodiles? No, but it may depend on the circumstances. I mean, if you threatened to take my cat from me, I definitely could choose. But a passing choice? I have no idea. BUT! Let me tell you, Upside Down In Heaven is a masterpiece. 10 songs and half an hour of unfiltered bliss. The record opens with Love Beyond The Grave and ends with Rock ‘n’ Roll Graveyard- what happens in between is a thing of beauty and pure joy. This record feels like pure joy to me; it’s all I could want and more from a Crocs record. I think Rock ‘n’ Roll Graveyard may be my favourite at the moment, but in a few days’ time I’ll have changed my mind.

I’ve Become What I Fear Most is like a Bukowski novel in song form. It’s lyrically one of my favourite songs ever by Brandon and Charlie, and easily up there with being one of the best songs by them and I could happily play it over and over, all day. This whole record feels like seedy stroll down the backstreets of NYC in the late 70s; it’s incredible. I think it’s one of those records that you’ll turn to for comfort but also, I think these songs are going to absolutely rip when performed live. Every song is just under the 3 and a half minute mark, and of course you’ll want more and more but the wait is definitely worth it with this record and it picks up where Love Is Here left off. That’s something I’ve always loved about the band- every record is a step up from what came before but at the same time you know it’s Crocodiles.

Forever Walk Alone is one of those songs that you’ll play and just instantly connect with; there’s something about Brandon’s vocals on this that you just connect with. They’ve both got this way of making you instantly connect with what you’re hearing. Lovers Of Nothing is a perfect people watching song, then you’ve got this glam rock feel of Magic Trash which reminds me a little of New York Dolls and their gorgeous flamboyant sound. Dead Beat sounds like it could be in a straight to video horror film and you cannot help but become addicted to it.

When a band you love and adore put out a new record it just makes your day, your year. Crocodiles have done it again and I’m just so proud of them and I’m so happy that a label like Lolipop Records have put it out. What I love about Crocodiles is that everything they put out is on their terms- it’s THEIR sound. They don’t compromise or stick with a certain sound in order to be heard. They grow with every record and I hope they continue to put records out when they are pensioners. I can’t imagine them ever stopping. I don’t ever want to.

Upside Down In Heaven is a record that is good for the mind, body and soul. Stick your headphones on, play this record and go for a walk. Absorb every single song and every word, and you’ll hear just how perfect this record is. 10 songs and half an hour of sheer bliss.

CROCODILES: Degeneration.

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It has finally happened! Crocodiles have FINALLY dropped some new material which means- a new record is coming! 7th April to be precise kids! It’ll be released via Lolipop records, and the first single from the record- Degeneration is a perfect introduction to their new record.

If you’ve ever read anything I’ve written, you’ll know just how much I love and adore this band. They are a band that have been there for all the good and bad. A band that just know how to constantly create masterpieces. Underrated and exceptional. I just love love them.

Degeneration picks up where 2019’s Love Is Here left off (not including the covers record they put out in 2021!) Their new record will be their 8th full length record (again, not including the covers record but you can if you want!) Even though it picks up from Love Is Here, I can hear some of their early sound in this song- that rugged and distorted sound; the sound that I fell in love with many, many years ago. They have such a distinctive sound and style, and that applies vocally too. They’re a band that just make everything alright. Their poetic lyrics are timeless and their sound is how you’d want your dream band to sound.

The video to Degeneration is simple but you’ll also see Brandon and Charlie’s faces melt. I reckon that’s a strong sign for how great the new record will be- it’ll melt our faces off. I cannot wait! It’s only 2 months to go, but in the meantime- I’ll be keeping Degeneration on repeat.

Check out the video below:

Upside Down In Heaven will be released on the 7th April via Lolipop Records.

Beat In My Bones podcast!

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Oh dear.

What have I done? Why have I done this?! Will it be the first and last? Who knows. Who cares!

Anyway, I’ve done it.

45 minutes of your life that you won’t get back.

Songs from: L.A. Witch, Bullet Girl, Crocodiles and The Gun Club, and many more!

CROCODILES: Shitty Times Volume 1.

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I’ve not written anything in a while because I’ve been preoccupied with my new best friend- my PS4 and investing too much time in FIFA20. Anyway, this is my first weekend in ages where I am not working. A full weekend to do nothing but sleep. Bliss. But, besides all this, I’ve spent a lot of time being angry at what we are seeing. At the end of this, I’ll post some links to various organisations that need our support in any way possible.

We need to educate ourselves; we need to call out those who are barbaric and wrong, and they MUST be held accountable. One band I have always admired for the way they speak up is of course, Crocodiles. Yesterday Bandcamp waived their fees which meant bands were getting paid in full. However, most were forfeiting their profits and donating them to causes related to Black Lives Matter. Crocodiles were one of these bands, and the result is the effortlessly cool collection of covers called Shitty Times Volume 1. From Madonna to Lou Reed, these 6 songs will blow you away. Let’s get to it.

The record was recorded in Paris (where Charlie lives) and in L.A (where Brandon lives) but you don’t feel the distance at all. You feel as if you’re in the room with them both as they create these covers. I adore their cover of the Madonna classic, Burning Up. If they did Borderline, I’d have lost my mind, but this comes really close. It’s such a great cover, and I love how Crocodiles cover songs and just make them theirs. Take their cover of U Sexy Thing they did a few years ago- it’s genius. It takes nothing away from the original but gives us something new.

For me, it’s all about their cover of Hangin’ Round by Lou Reed. We all know that Transformer is one of the best records ever made, and this cover makes you appreciate the song in a totally different way. They keep that effortlessly cool sound going; that sound that you always got from Lou and always get from Crocodiles. It’s such a great cover, and I hope that when we can go to shows again, they put this in their set. Can you imagine how amazing it would be?! They could do the whole record; I doubt any of us would mind. Make the show last 2 hours or so, that’s totally fine by me.

Raphaëlle Verlaine from the band Metro Verlaine takes on the cover of Elli & Jacno’s Oh La La. If you’ve ever seen Metro Verlaine live, you will know just how powerful her voice is, and this cover really shows us this. Again, it is such a great cover, you sort of forget about the original. I love that the way Crocodiles cover the songs makes you forget about the originals, but when it’s over you can and listen to them and hear it all in a different way.

Who Stole My Skateboard? Originally by Satan’s Rats is a blistering cover. This is the one you blast out so loud until you drown out the world. After the Lou Reed cover, this might be my favourite.  The guitar on it is just, * chef’s kiss * it’s THAT divine. You can’t help but keep playing it. It takes nothing away from the original at all, it just adds to it.

You can buy the record here: https://crocodilesband.bandcamp.com/

There’s a limit to about 100 tapes made, and they’ll be shipped in about 3-4 weeks.

All proceeds from the release will be going to the DeDe McClure Bail Fund, and you can find more about it here: https://www.facebook.com/pg/CommunityBailFund

If you’re in the UK and wanting to donate to a cause closer to home, then please consider supporting: https://www.gofundme.com/f/black-minds-matter-uk/donations

If you’re not angry about what you are seeing, then you are part of the problem.

Black Lives Matter.

CROCODILES. Soup Kitchen, Manchester 17th May 2019.

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How do you write about a band that you have seen 11 times live without repeating yourself? Who cares! Friday night was my 11th time seeing my buddies, Crocodiles and they played my absolute favourite venue in Manchester- the Soup Kitchen. It’s a sweaty and dark basement venue; just how it should be.

End of April 2009, Crocodiles released their debut record. A record I bought by accident on the day it came out and since then, I’ve just fallen in love with everything they’ve done since. Every record has blown me away, and every show has done the same.

However, there is something truly special about their shows in Manchester that stand out. This was my 3rd time seeing them in Manchester, and I just love how you can see how much this beautiful city means to Brandon and Charlie. There was even a nod to local hero, Pete Shelley with their Buzzcocks cover which I’m sure he would have been proud of.

I stood directly in front of Charlie, and was in awe of his pedal set-up. It’s a piece of art, and he swings his guitar around like a machine gun whilst looking like a young Scott Walker. Brandon and Charlie have this way of just changing how you feel about their music when you see them live, and it is always a wonderful thing to witness. They are just of the most talented people I’ve ever met, and they just put their all into their shows.

 

You can’t help but shift your eyes across the stage to watch them all annihilate the stage. Brandon sings with this passion that is just astounding, and Charlie matches it with his effortlessly cool way of using his guitar as a weapon. As cliched as it is, they are just the coolest cats around, and it just shines through perfectly in their songs and their live shows.

The energy in the crowd is typical of a Manchester crowd, and just an absolute pleasure to be part of. The love that Crocodiles have for this city is just admirable, and something us fans here truly treasure. They feed off the crowd, and this crowd were reciprocating it. 10 years in, and they are still making music to lose your shit to. Songs like I Wanna Kill and Marquis De Sade, and new songs such as Exit My Head come more alive. I can’t ever get enough of hearing I Wanna Kill, and the crowd are the same. It’s one of those songs that just do something to you, and once you hear it. It’s an anthem.

Crocodiles are a band that you just don’t ever get tired of listening to, and watching. They have this way of just making you forget the real world for the time they are on stage. They make you want to start a band, they make you want to always be in the moment of being at a live show. As a fan, this is what I absolutely adore about music and how powerful it is. Also, Brandon and I had Bad Brains shirts on which anyone else would regard as a wardrobe clash. However for this, it’s just two people who love one of the best bands ever!

There’s a good balance of songs from all of their records, and sure I’d want them to play all of them but hey- that’s too much, I know! This was my first time seeing them on my own, and as someone who suffers with depression and anxiety I full on prepared myself to have some form of panic attack. I was wrong, I just felt totally safe at this show. Trivial I know, but small things like this help. Anyway, smushy stuff aside- it was just a brilliant show.

 

They are a band that just need to be seen live. Their live shows allow you to see even moreso just how fantastic they are. If I could, I’d see them on every tour at every date. But shows like Friday’s in Manchester are treasured dearly.

Crocodiles new record, Love Is Here is out now and they have 2 more UK dates left before a couple of shows in Paris this week.

 

CROCODILES: Love Is Here.

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One thing I really enjoy is writing about my buddies, Crocodiles. With every record they just reinforce my love for them, and their ability to constantly evolve their sound and always take themselves out a safe zone when making music. I think April this year sees the 10 year anniversary of their debut record, and the 7 records they have put out in a decade have all been masterpieces in their own way. Now it is the turn of Love Is Here to be adored in all its glory.

I don’t want to write this in order of the songs, because I’ve a lot to say about one songs in particular- My Far Out Friend. On every record by Crocodiles, they always have this one song that hits you right in the gut and takes you away from where you are. They always have this one song that sends you off into a euphoric bliss that nothing else can touch. My Far Out Friend is easily now in my top 5 songs by them (it’s always changing, of course but this one is something else.) I absolutely adore Brandon’s vocals on this song. I love how his vocals on this are as dreamy as the music. It has this gorgeous psychedelic feel, and there are two moments in the song where there’s this little drum roll that goes into a beautiful instrumental. It makes you feel like you are floating, and Brandon’s vocals come back in like they are guiding you through the clouds. This is truly one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard, and it’s one I keep going back to. It’s such a gorgeous and ethereal piece of music. The second instrumental part is slightly heavier, and wraps up this work of art so beautifully. My Far Out Friend is THAT song that you close your eyes to, and just zone out.

Last year, I was sent a copy of the record and it just blew me away. Aside from My Far Out Friend, the other song that blew my mind was I Was A Fly. It reminded me of something The Cramps would do. I love the weirdness in the song and there are bits of the music that remind me of something else, and it’s driving me mad that I cannot remember it. It’ll come to me, probably in my sleep. Typical. It’s a real gritty song that you can imagine hearing in dimly lit basement bars.

The record opens with the face-smacking Nuclear Love, and goes right into the wonderfully decadent Exit My Head. Both of these songs are reasons as to why Crocodiles are clearly just the best, and sure I may be biased but that’s what 10 years of being a fan does. I love hearing how they have pushed themselves with each record, and these two songs definitely show this. The songs are heavier on this record compared to Dreamless- but there’s really no point in ever comparing any of their records to each other to be honest. Crocodiles are a band that make you excited about music, and always leave you wondering what they are going to do next. I hope they release Exit My Head as a single because there is something about this song that oozes smut and beauty. I adore this song a hell of lot. The lyrics are brilliant, and I think it’s one everyone can relate to or has related to at some point, In some ways, it reminds me of Henry Miller meets Lou Reed then goes for a drink with Hubert Selby, Jr. It’s just a great song!

Love Is Here (The End Is Near) is a real Punk sounding song. It’s got that pogo feel to it, and I really hope that when they play this life that the crowd go apeshit. They’ve got many songs that make their fans go batshit when they play them (for me, it’s always Refuse Angels) and Love Is Here has got to be one of them that just spur the crowd on to just go insane to this song.

Rats d’Amour and Voyeur Under Glass make you feel like you are roaming a city like Paris late at night with a feeling to cause some trouble (nothing sinister obviously) or just watch the world go by. Voyeur Under Glass has a slight Reggae feel to the guitar which I love so much, and I love the bass so much on this one. Something you really notice on this record is just how ahead Brandon and Charlie are with their sound. I’ve noticed it on their other records, but there is something about Love Is Here that, although you know it is them- there is something about this record that is ahead of its time. The production and the whole sound on this record is nothing short of perfect. You can truly hear the dedication and passion in this record, and it is honestly a flawless piece of art.

Basically, this is just a declaration of love not a review. I can’t write reviews anyway. In short, Love Is Here is the record we absolutely need. It’s most certainly the record I need. And yes, it is my record of the year- I think that’s pretty obvious.

Get yourself a copy from their bandcamp page, and play it loud!

VIVA CROCODILES!

CROCODILES:Wait Until Tomorrow.

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There’s nothing better than your favourite band putting out new music, and writing about it. It’s common knowledge that I regard Crocodiles as highly as the Velvet Underground, The Gruesomes and Patti Smith. There is something about Crocodiles that just makes you absolutely love music and want to completely lose yourself in what you hear. This year, it’ll be 10 years since their debut record came out. I remember finding it by accident, and it just changing my life in the best way possible.

10 years on, and my love and respect for them is still massive. Where do you go after a decade? Well, for Brandon and Charlie, they just do what they do best- they absolutely excel with every record, every single, every tour. They’re a band that are consistently phenomenal but at the same time, you never know what you’re going to get from them. From their cover of Groove Is In The Heart to Me And My Machine Gun to Hard- they just have this brilliant ability to make you feel like you’re in 70s New York hanging round places others fear, but for you the smut and sordidness is what gets you through.

Wait Until Tomorrow is such a great song. The guitar is really ferocious, and Brandon’s vocals have never sounded so strong. There is something so distinctive about them, and that’s what makes them standout. They are an unforgettable band, but they are still hugely underrated. They are easily one of the best bands you’ll ever see; their energy and the way they bring their songs to life just makes you wish you could do it. They are a band that you just don’t get tired of seeing and listening to. The lyrics are again, nothing short of romantic imagery and makes you feel like you’re wandering round Baudelaire’s Paris.

I love how they have a cult-like following. There’s something about their music that appeals to damn near everyone. Even my mum loves them! (My mum is pretty cool though, so that explains why.) Their new single picks up where Dreamless left off. They always have this brilliant way of making each record sound a step-up from what has come before, and it’s so easy to see why I just love them so much. I can’t wait to see the new songs live.

 

 

So I’ve not really wrote about the single. It’s alright. I’ve just gone on about why I love them, and how excited I am to hear new music. It’s been a little over 2 years since Dreamless came out, and they are easily one of the most hardworking bands around- but don’t think for a minute they were doing nothing in that time! Wait Until Tomorrow could well be one of the strongest singles of the year, and I am pretty confident that the new record will be my favourite of the year. I doubt I’ll sway on that one.

Wait Until Tomorrow is a song that needs to be played really loud. Loud enough to make your neighbours fall in love with what they hear. There really aren’t that many bands who have this consistent feel to their music- you always know that whatever music Brandon and Charlie give us will always be absolutely mind-blowing. We all have a band that mean the world to us- it doesn’t matter if it’s a band that you found last week or 20 years ago. Time makes no difference, and Crocodiles are utterly timeless.

Fellow Croc-Heads, the band are heading out on a European tour next month. Pretty sure they’ll add more dates soon enough (I need a Manchester show!) and we’ll know more about the new record soon.

In the meantime, keep Wait Until Tomorrow on repeat. It’s out via one of France’s finest labels- Deaf Rock Records.

 

 

…vs My Brain

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With it being Mental Health Awareness Week, I guess now is a good a time as any to ramble on about my past year. In fact, it was probably longer than a year- I just put off dealing with whatever my brain was telling me, and not telling me.

Last October I think I pretty much had my very own breakdown. It was at 2/3am. I remember sitting on my bed in some weird position crying, having a panic attack after panic attack. I was at war with my head. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t switch off. Nothing maintained my attention. I was starting to worry about myself. Prior, I just didn’t care. I went to the doctor and after a few minutes I was told to do a self-referral for treatment. I put this off for a few weeks, then stopped being a stubborn dick and did it.

Now I care more than I did. I went to the doctor a second time earlier this year, as my referral for CBT was going to be some time- the second stage of it. I made no improvements with the first lot. Labelled as having severe anxiety and mild depression. Labels are for foodstuffs- I’m not for consumption. Things shouldn’t define a person, just like their actions always shouldn’t. In this case, I wasn’t going to let this be something that ruled who I was and my life- enough was enough. I went to my doctor. She looked at me and asked how she could help. I cried. I broke down like a child and cried. I said “I can’t cope.” Finally admitting to myself that I couldn’t hack whatever was going on in my head.

As someone who can’t take paracetamol without assuming the worse, I had to resign myself to the fact that at this stage- I probably needed something other than talking. I agreed to take medication. Since starting the medication in late February, I am pretty sure that every side effect I had (I had them all) has been worth it. I’d rather have continuous dry mouth than have another fucking panic attack. The side effects have virtually gone. I do have days where I get this really bad pain in my stomach or the occasional headache, but I’d take that over how I was and what I was putting myself through. Or rather, what my brain was putting me through. I had my assessment for my second stage of CBT. I was being asked questions that weren’t relevant and being asked to focus on things that I really don’t need to. I felt as if I had to say what they wanted, and I didn’t want to be made to bring things up that don’t need to be. So I discharged myself. I decided rather than waste their time (and mine) I would give up my place for someone else who needs it more than me. I tried, and for me, that’s the main thing. But it just wasn’t for me.

Everyone bangs on about it, but support is key. I’ve got a handful of people that I know have my back and are there for me. Just like I am there for them. It also helps having a girlfriend who has a similar shit sleeping pattern so I have someone at 1am when I can’t sleep and everything seems too much. She’s my rock, and I try my hardest to be hers.

Music has been a massive help for me. We went to see Banks in March, and for me I think that was the point where I solidly felt okay. At one point going to gigs was just overwhelming. Going to work was overwhelming. Not because I hate my job or anything like that- far from it. But the effort of having to get out of bed and the overwhelming feeling of being on a packed train. My brain was slowly failing me. Or maybe I was failing myself for not taking better care. Music has been my other rock. Certain songs (which I’ll link below) have played a massive part in my brain healing and keeping me calm. I go the gym during the week after work to allow myself to take care of my body as well as my mind.

My bad days now don’t feel near as half as bad as they once were. I don’t have to fake being alright because I genuinely feel just fine at the moment. I’m not thinking long-term because that shit is scary. If I can get through one day without feeling terrible, I’m fine. My last panic attack was on the 2nd March. It’s been two months. I still feel a little shitty at times and certain things at the moment are fucking tough but, you can’t control everything.

I am not brave, I am not tough. All I did was reach breaking point. All I did was let myself get worse before I realised something needed to be done.

I’m alright. I’m happy with that. I’m alright.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHFkS6mHVN4

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnaIGQ_SBLA

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kep9YdtKMrc

 

 

 

 

 

“Between the cities, between the thrills. There’s something inside you, it doesn’t sleep well.”

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“It won’t last forever
Or maybe it will.”

 

A few months ago I went to the doctor because I felt like shit. Shit is the only word I can use, I guess. Although I don’t think it covers it. I told him everything I felt and he said “depression and anxiety.” You can’t even make it sound good. You know, at least if you have a cold your voice gets a bit husky and suddenly people want you to talk more. But anxiety and depression? You might as well say you’ve got something not mentioning. For me, I’m conflicted. Part of me is sort of glad I know what’s wrong with me but the other part wants it gone. I’ve been told it gets better but right now, no part of me sees that. I have more bad days than good.

Last Friday I had 5 panic attacks in under 2 and a bit hours. I’d have much preferred someone to have punched me in the face for 2 hours. It would have hurt less. The aftermath of a panic attack for me is equally as bad as having one. I get a migraine straight away but with a normal migraine, the  pain is less tense and the nausea that comes with it I can sort of tame. After a panic attack, the migraine just doesn’t go. It’s a constant stabbing sensation in my head and the feeling of being sick stays. It’s debilitating and exhausting.
The thing with depression and anxiety is that no one sees it. No one can see someone is mentally unwell. They don’t see someone who has to set an alarm half an hour before they need to be up so they actually get up and go to work. They don’t see how everyday small things can set a person off. And that’s okay. Imagine if we could see it. It would be useful but as someone who hates any form of attention, I’d probably be worse. Most days I just want to stay in bed. I don’t want to see or speak to anyone. It used to be passed off by others as me being “difficult” or “unsociable.” I’m neither of these things. Although sometimes you do just want to tell people to piss off don’t you. But I think that’s just human nature.
There are parts of you that feel, “what if no one believes me?” I’m stuck with that constantly. I feel because I can force a smile at times and laugh- maybe I don’t have these things. Maybe it’s not real. It comes and goes. I don’t always feel shit, but I do and I think that’s okay. I’ve learnt to try find a safe space wherever I am. As I live in a stupidly big city, it’s hard to find any form of peace. For me, the gym is my safe space. I used to go because I hated being fat and hated my body. I still do, but now it’s to keep my mind clear as best as I can. Going to gigs used to be my safety net but the last gig I went to, I had a panic attack and had to leave. This was a month ago and since, I’ve missed a handful of gigs because I can’t set my mind free.
Like some, music is my safety net. Certain bands/singers voices and music take away how overbearing and how overwhelming this feeling is. Certain bands have become my safety net, my safe space for when I can’t physically get somewhere.
From the rowdiness of Melvins to the calming sounds of Beach House, certain songs take whatever is happening away. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s just no use- and that’s okay.
I’ve chosen a couple of songs that have been vital in calming me down and being my crutch whenever I’ve needed. The songs that store my sanity but as yet, don’t have the power to keep everything at bay. But that’s fine. I’ve experienced understanding and a lack of understanding through all this. I’ve started CBT and apparently that will work. As someone who has a dislike for things like that, it’s tough. My mind is open. Ironically, I had 2 panic attacks whilst on my way to my first session so that was a great experience. Maybe it will help, maybe it won’t. I don’t know- nobody does. And that’s okay.
Anyway, enough of the self-indulgent bullshit. Have some songs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYQV2RAUmwk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAfOib4_Sc4