Fools judge, so spit the cold words back at them. Ever look at something and think, “Fuck I can’t be here.” So you try your hardest to transport all your thoughts elsewhere? This happened to me today. Sure it happens most of the time to be honest. But today it was more vivid than usual. You don’t want to have these thoughts whilst on a treadmill, it can cause accidents. I was fine. I’m steady. I’m quite clumsy at times though. My attention is easily diverted. I’m writing this and doing about 3 other things because this isn’t enough to hold my attention. I’m going somewhere better than just typing words on a screen.
The only thing that can truly hold my attention is music. Okay a couple of people do too..but music is a solid. I think it is the only secure thing in my life. That said; I really dislike organisation and being told what to do. I hate being rushed. Hate it. Nothing in life needs to be rushed. Move at the pace of a sloth..well, maybe a bit quicker but you know what I mean. You gather up your thoughts and place them in boxes in your mind. I don’t do that. Everything is pushed back. In a heap. This for me, isn’t a bad thing. I’m more likely to have a song playing round my head than anything else.
The escapism is still there; always. I always want to leave where I am. Always. I probably came out of the womb wishing I was born elsewhere. They teach you to do what you want, but when you do some fuck says you’re wrong. But you aren’t wrong. They’re wrong.
Something will always take over you. Something will make you snap. I long for the day where I can leave and never come back. It’ll be a moment I look back on and feel I’ve finally done something right. Sometimes you want to tear your eyes out in the hopes a new pair grow back and you see things differently. Just because you can see things differently doesn’t mean your heart feels any different.
Kicking and screaming. Dragging and wailing. Get out. Find a sound and let it take you over. Get out. Just get out.
But I am incapable of taking my own advice, and I hate the way I write.
Music that makes me feel like my insides are being ripped out and that makes me feel like my ears are bleeding is pretty much my favourite. I don’t mean I want to hear some fool scream like a person possessed so I can’t understand what on earth they are saying; I mean music that is so loud and passionate it makes you believe. It’s brutal force drives you to make something of your own. Whether it be making your own noise or writing the most emotional and moving poem possible.
Music can make you feel better about being the only person in your world. Music can drown out the rats and make you see what matters. Music can provide what a person can’t. If I can love music like this, I can love a person right? Anyone can. Fear and loathing in my body. My mind is aging fast and my body has no clue. I’ve too much patience, and too much time. A wealth of ideas that are useless. And a heart that’s unsure of its purpose. I find answers in songs that release frustration, longing, desire, confusion and love. I realised I wasn’t alone when I first heard Morrissey. I realised it was okay to enjoy “dark” things thanks to The Jesus And Mary Chain. I found out how to be vulnerable from Patti Smith. I learnt how to keep hold of fear but not let it rule me thanks to Garbage. I learnt how to be gentle from Beach House. I found freedom in Warpaint. Music makes me who I am. I know I should be the one who makes me who I am, but it isn’t always the case.
I found a home in Punk and Garage Rock. I found two types of music that just summed everything up. Punk let out the fury, Garage Rock saved my soul. I’ve done a tribute to my love for Garage Rock before, but it’s the turn of Punk. I know EVERYONE has their own opinion on it. No one is right, no is wrong. I prefer the American Punk scene because it means more to me. It had more heart; it wasn’t about the appearance. It was the music that spoke volumes. The voices behind it just created something so powerful, and life-changing. From Iggy to Ramones and all in-between there was a voice for all. Ramones are EASILY in my top 5 favourite bands of all time, so it truly pisses me off when I see people wearing a Ramones shirt and they cannot name a song by them- let alone a band member. If you don’t dig the band then don’t wear the shirt. Simple as.
For me, Punk was a sheer escape. If you saw where I grew up you’d fully understand why I needed to mentally escape as often as possible. I still do. More than ever. Music is truly my life, it’s all I know. Punk kept the fury alive, I’m waiting to turn it into something I can be proud of. However, I have yet to do something I am proud of. Maybe one day it’ll happen. Or on my deathbed I’ll say, “I made this amazing cup of tea once…” As I reminisce about this cup of tea, I croak it. Typically. Anyway.
Punk has my heart. It owns every part of me. It is everything and so much more. It went beyond being a genre of music. A state of mind, a way of life and a way of being. They say it is dead. Well, the true essence of it is and we’ll never see a movement like it ever again. That’s why I treasure it so much.
These are the Punk songs that mean more to me than I can put into words. These are the songs that provided a safety net but unleashed all I felt because my words weren’t good enough. They never will be, but that’s fine.
They’ll take your freedom in any way they can. They’ll tear out your tongue. They’ll break your heart. You can find a sense of romance in almost anything; but not that. People judge, and people will call you out on things you haven’t done. Things you haven’t said. Do it back, they say. But you can’t. You’re not a cruel person. You’re sensitive and you hate yourself for it. You can hate yourself for so many reasons, this is one of them. But it’s okay because at least you don’t lie to yourself. Kid yourself and spiral into a frenzy of lies; that’s what most do. I’d rather be honest with myself than be a judgemental cunt. This is all for a reason. I have a point.
Monday night, I went out. I’m wishing I hadn’t because since then I’m carrying a feeling I cannot get rid of, and it’s starting to get to me. I’d rather write this down than do the normal thing of telling someone face to face or whatever. Anyway.
I’ll be the first to admit my face isn’t all that. I wear black all the time (I have a pair of red creepers, a red Sonic Youth shirt and a red Iggy Pop shirt..I don’t really wear them.) Just because I wear black all the time doesn’t mean I am going to stab you and offer your heart as some kind of sacrifice. I notice nothing when I go outside, I just put my headphones in and walk. I look at the ground or whatever because over here, eye contact isn’t good. Eye contact, I have learnt is never good. If I look at you when I talk to you it’s probably because I probably think you’re alright. I’m getting better. For a while I’ve been working on the whole self-confidence thing. You know how you get people who do the whole “OH FUCK ME I AM SO VILE TODAY JUST LOOK AT ME” and take about 50 photos of themselves (they do it on a camera phone and probably use Instagram too) and just want attention? Physically, I dislike myself a hell of a lot. I’m fat, short and my face is unfortunate. I’ve re-joined the gym so at least I can stop being a chubber. As a person, I like to think I have some positive traits. My Bob Dylan impression is a treat (can only do it if I’ve had whiskey) and my hugs are alright. Despite the fact that I probably look like a moody twat, I laugh at most things (obviously not at racist jokes and the like, I’m not a cunt.) I’m a lot of good thing, I’m a lot of bad things. I know what I am, no one else has the right to judge.
So, on Monday as I was leaving this bar with some friends I walked past a tabel of about 4 or 5. I didn’t look at them, but I knew they were there. I’m oblivious to most things, but for some reason my ears actually picked up on what was said.
“FUCKING LESBIAN.”
Wow..cheers for that. Do you feel better for that? I hope you did. I really do. I get weird looks ALL the fucking time here. All the time. I only leave the house if I have to. I go to the gym every day, but I walk there and where I live is quiet so I don’t really have to walk past anyone. Going to town for me, is my idea of hell. I hate it. I hate leaving the house.
When I’m in England I’m totally fine. I can walk around London or Manchester at 3am and feel completely safe. Here? Not at all. Not in the slightest. At 25 years old, you’d think I’d be alright with going outside right? Wrong. It’s anywhere but here. Everyday I wake up and wish I was somewhere else. I can’t help but think I was really awful in my past life and this is payback. Never mind, right?
I’d rather live on the streets in a city I love than wake up here one more day. It’s doing more than crushing my soul; it’s destroying me as a person.
They say, “Keep trying.” But I am. Fuck me I am trying, but I get nothing. I’m heading nowhere fast.
I live somewhere that destroys me everyday. I used to be strong and okay with myself. That’s all going. This is why this is coming out.
It took a LOT for me to come out (my mum is so fucking liberal, so I’m blessed in that way) but it still scared me to do so. I know how hard it is to let that part of you, especially when you are from such a small-minded place. My mother always told me, “Be true to yourself and don’t live a lie.” I may act like I don’t listen to people, but that is something I carry with me. It’s hard to keep at it at the moment. I guess I just have to.
To judge someone based on how they look or sexuality or anything is the most pathetic thing in the world. Maybe I should’ve said something to this idiot, but I didn’t fancy being punched. I’ve been hit enough times in my life; I don’t really fancy it again. I cannot hit anyone. I could never bring myself to do it. I’d probably runaway crying. Sure I may be overly sensitive and I may take too much to heart; but at least I can feel. I’d rather be this way than totally numb.
It’ll take a while before I “get over” this, and to any of my friends I had a rant about this all too since..I am sorry. I apologise for most things but..yeah. Anyway. I cannot change what has happened. It’s just pissed me off that we live in a world where people think it is okay to be obnoxious and cruel.
Basically, Dee Dee could sing the phone book and I’d regard it as the best thing ever. I love her voice, I love her lyrics and I think she is just incredible (anyone who covers a song by The Jesus And Mary Chain song just for me is a beautiful human being in my eyes.)
What I love about Dum Dum Girls is that they make music that compares to nothing and no one else. You hear something all too often and you think, “Oh that sounds like…” With Dum Dum Girls, you don’t get that. Well, I don’t. I’m pretty sure their loyal fans feel the same way. I remember hearing Catholicked and being in awe. Then came Jail La La and I knew. I just knew I had found the band to sum up every feeling. Only In Dreams was pretty much my soundtrack to last year. Coming Down got me through everything from the days where I hated everything to my mum getting sick. The whole record just oozed out everything I felt, and more. I suppose most who find a record to do this, they never go back to it. I still play it everyday. Coming Down is my crutch. I think I’m heading that way with Lord Knows.
I heard Lord Knows the other day when Dee Dee did a solo set for KEXP, but my internet connection decided it didn’t want me to hear it properly, so I thought “Alright..September it is..I can wait.” NO. I’m not waiting.
Lord Knows is vulnerable and perfect. For those who feel like they are always hurting those they love; this is your anthem, your prayer. I constantly feel like I’m fucking up so this song is like a blessing right now. I honestly cannot write about Dum Dum Girls without getting really into it, without being 100% personal. I can think of 1 or 2 I want to play this to and say, “This is all of it. I’m sorry.” But they’d say I don’t need to say sorry. No point in apologising if you haven’t done anything wrong I guess.
Lord Knows, if I wasn’t about to head out to the gym after writing this, would make me cry my heart out. Maybe I’ll do that later, or maybe I’ll cling onto knowing someone can sum up all this and much better than I ever can. Maybe things come to you when you need it most, this song definitely does that.
The lyrics to Lord Knows are just perfect and so honest. Dee Dee writes like no other. She gets right to the heart of it, and makes you feel less alone. To posses such beauty in words is something I really admire about her. She deserves a lot more recognition as a songwriter.
Basically, Lord Knows is out of this world. End Of Daze is out 25th September, and it’s the best EP of the year. I’ve not heard it, but I just know. I know.
“Get well soon, please don’t go any higher How are you so burnt when you’re barely on fire?”
They say you’ve got to hit rock bottom in order to be a better person. What if you weren’t shit to start with? What if you thought you were okay, but fucks spat down judgment on you..leading you to believe you are actually a really shit person? What do you do? What about when you hide everything in order to keep a sense of normality, so you don’t fully lose it? What if you cannot get the words out, and all you can do is tell anyone who shows a hint of caring that you’re totally okay. What happens when they place you are currently “living” in has killed all the good in you? What if…what if…Fucks sake. It’s all so bloody stupid isn’t it. When you think about it, you’re just some stupid fool with no direction. Because all the directions you took have led you nowhere. Nowhere can be your bedroom at 4am hating your own skin. Nowhere can be sat on a bench waiting for something slightly interesting to happen. Nowhere can be in the eyes of the one you love. Nowhere and nothing go hand in hand. There’s a song for everything, for everyone. Those thoughts you have; well, someone else had the same ones and probably wrote a song about it all. You’ll return to your “normal” self eventually, you just have to work out what that is. I should take my own advice. But my own advice is for anyone and everyone but me. I have no problem writing like this because I know nobody will read it. Once it leaves my brain and ends up on the screen, it is no longer mine. Nothing is mine, no one is mine. I own nothing. Even my Docs are coming apart. My favourite band shirt has a hole in it. As you sink further and further, what song will you play as you fall? What song will pull you back up? I’ll never read this again, which is why none of this will make sense. I rarely re-read what I write here. Mainly because I know it doesn’t make sense. I don’t like organisation. I don’t like things making sense. I don’t like knowing some things. Uncertainty for me, is a good thing. Self-doubt for me, is a good thing.
But every fucking word I’ve written, every word I have ever said has been said by someone else. And they did it better. I can only say I’m sorry, but I’ll keep doing it. And for that, I am also sorry.
One day I am going to drink whiskey with Royal Chant and quote NWA lyrics to them. We’ll also drink tea and discuss which member from NWA had the better solo career (Ice Cube right lads?) They’re the best thing to come from Australia since..that Natalie one from Neighbours. No wait…Silverchair. I’m going with Silverchair because they mean more to me. I know I’m a sucker for a beautiful woman, but I’m putting music first (as usual.)
FINALLY they’re putting an EP out. I’m impatient when it comes to bands I love. The EP starts with Irish Eyes, but you’d know that if you were to listen to the EP. You should listen to it. For every listen to this EP, each band member will donate a bottle of whiskey and fine tea to err..me? No? Oh, well pretend. Just listen.
What I love about Royal Chant is how they make you feel as if you are watching them (not in a creepy way, but sure go ahead if you want) play in some dirty, damp basement. You feel as if you are watching them rehearse. They are three amazing guys who play with all they have. So much honesty and frustration.
Killing Time feels like every nagging thought I have floating around my head, so I’m going to call this one as my favourite- for personal reasons. I mean this is just another prime example as to why I love these guys. They say the things you can’t. Well, you can say them; it’s just the words don’t flow as gently and come out as loudly as theirs. Everything’s a drag. But sometimes a band just drag you through. Some things you maybe, just aren’t meant to understand.
Maybe my love for these guys is clouding my judgement but I’m not going to write about something I don’t love. This is a truly fucking brilliant EP that is a smack in the face in the most pleasurable way.
They say you’ve got to hit rock bottom before something good can come out of it. I don’t care if I hit rock bottom so long as I’ve got music like this comforting my ears at 4am when everyone else is asleep. It’s alright to fall apart. The pieces that are missing are the pieces that you never needed. Music can save you, music can be everything you need in the midst of desperation. Too vulnerable.
Hesitation Kills isn’t just the name of one of their songs; it is also very true. So very fucking true.
You can tell I love Mark, James and Matt right? I mean so long as you can tell I love them and that I regard this EP as being one of the best this year, then that’s all you need to know.
Go listen, and go feel less alone. Don’t look at your reflection; that’s how problems start.
Sundays are dull. Sundays are toss. Sundays are a drag. Aren’t most days like this? Hitting your head on the table as you fall out of bed is probably the most exciting thing that’ll happen to you. Pray for concussion. Pray for something to happen. Forever in lust, only once in love.
San Diego. It won’t answer to you. You answer to IT. It produces and churns out bands that are meant to rip off your face and burst your eardrums. If you are looking for something loving and tender; seek elsewhere. This band will take you to the depths of hell and laugh at you, if you don’t believe in them. Short songs that get to the point and smash you between the eyes. Open yourself up fast. Slowly isn’t enough. You want it now, tomorrow is too late.
Plateaus are incredible. Mind-blowing and brutal. This is perfect, and nothing really matters. San Diego better be fucking proud.
Plateaus are Kevin Gist, Chris Rosi, Jon Greene and Elliot Moeller. These guys are responsible for being part of one of the most exciting bands around. I can’t think of another band right now that are making this kind of music. Noisy, thrashy and enough to make you want to smash shit up. Go for it. Go break some stuff. Launch yourself. Throw yourself around. Flail. Just have a good time.
I want to see these guys play some dark and sweaty basement. Enter looking presentable, leave covered in whiskey and looking like you’ve run about ten marathons. With a few bruises and bloody arms to show how good the night truly was.
I love these guys so much, they make me want to pack my stuff up and leave where I am. But if I did that; I’d be homeless. Basically, they fuel the frustration and keep the dream alive. One of the best bands around, trust me.
“Your face has left an impression, deep inside my cranium. When those thoughts are realised it’s here I find, that your face is in my mind.”
I probably enjoy music that makes me feel like I’m on some weird trip because I’ve never had an interest in drugs. I don’t care if you do them, I really don’t. Do what you want. I don’t care, nor do I expect you to care about what I do. It’s nothing. Everything is disposable. Everything is nothing you want now. You wanted far too quickly and when you got it, you didn’t know what to do it. People love it when you’re miserable because they can really go at you. Show them nothing, stop giving. It’s not fair on yourself. To hell what everyone else thinks. If you’ve got someone who constantly brings up the past and your mistakes just cut them out of your life. I think that’s one of the worst traits a person can have, especially when this person claims to care about you. Maybe nobody really cares for others; it’s all an act to stop being alone. I’d rather be alone than surround myself with those who put on a show. Anyway, there’s a band that came out some time ago who make you feel like you’re off your face and they also surround you with a psychedelic mood. Just enough to forget the world and make your own.
The Orange Alabaster Mushroom, well, the name alone pretty much gives you the notion that they’ll make insane music. It’s a pretty cool name right? At least it isn’t something mundane like….well, you can think of one.
I don’t know much about them, but I think they are from Ontario? It’s one guy called Greg Watson and started in the early 90s. So, if you thought all the 90s were about was really awful Euro-Pop music then err…you’re probably right to be honest. I don’t know if much good came from the 90s. Depends what you are into. I developed a lasting love for Aaliyah and Garbage amongst others. If you sat down and listened to The Orange Alabaster Mushroom I’d expect you to think you were listening to something from the 60s/70s. When I first listened to them, that’s what I got from them.
I don’t know anything about The Orange Alabaster Mushroom aside from that I love them. That’s all I know. I love that they make me feel like I’m having some kind of outer-body experience. Everything that is dragging me down right now means fuck all. How can it with music like this? The Orange Alabaster Mushroom are like the drug a doctor gives you to make you feel better. Let their fusion of Garage Rock and Psychedelia thump about in your eardrums and arouse your mind. Let the music just blow your mind.
Your Face Is In My Mind is possibly my favourite. The lyrics pretty much say all I’m too much of a coward to say, but at least I can feel it. Least I know my faults you know? I just love the weird sounds that travel through me. You notice all the different layers as you listen intensely to the songs. The only way to listen, is through headphones. It is all tenderly euphoric but quite intense. The best things in life are like this, it’s just not many things in life are actually like that. Don’t settle for less. Don’t settle.
The mind is a terrible thing to not use, to not open up. That’s why bands like The Orange Alabaster Mushroom exist. So they can open up your mind and take you some place. The organ and bass in their music is what truly gets me. I’m in love with every song. They leave an imprint on your soul that you will probably compare to everything else possible. I guess you can apply that to anything in life. It’s just, with music it is a lot more pleasurable.
The first ever article I wrote that was published in magazine was about Music and Gender (you can read it here : http://issuu.com/freeqmagazine/docs/freeq-magazine-pilot-issue) and I still stand by it being one of the best articles I have written. This article caused a band from Nottingham to get in touch with the editor and ask if I would write a feature about them. Considering this was my first ever published piece, I was honoured and in shock. The fact that a band got what I was trying to do meant so much to me.
The Smears are three fearless and fucking incredible musicians from Nottingham. My feature on them can be found here: http://issuu.com/freeqmagazine/docs/freeq-magazine-goat-issue-2 Everything I wrote there is still relevant. Still true. I will always regard them as being one of the VERY FEW bands that keep up a Punk feel to their music, and of a course a brutal kick of Riot Grrrl to their music too. Everything about them is aggressive, pure, passionate and real. A lot of musicians put on an act just to sell records. Honesty and heart are worth more than a fucking platinum plaque.
For me, I always believe that regardless of the genre; music should come from a place that the listener is afraid to go, and the band/singer guides them. They unleash all the pain,fury,loss, ANYTHING/EVERYTHING for you. They grab your hand and drag you through it. This is why I have so much love and respect for Courtney Love, Shirley Manson and Patti Smith. I regard them as the three most important musicians of all time. They are strong females who do it THEIR way. They do it their way and what you think doesn’t fucking matter. Their lyrics are sheer poetry and come from a place that most would call dark, or a place most would be afraid to go near. However, why I adore these three mind-blowing and inspiring musicians is for a different article entirely. But, staying with the purity of it- I am going to try to tell you why The Smears are one of the most important bands around.
For the life of me, I cannot remember the first song I heard by them but it was when Myspace was still thought of as being important for music. Maybe it still is. I played their music constantly when I was told about them, so I could really feel where they were coming from and think of questions that weren’t typical. Never settle. Never accept “typical.”
Their music should leave you quivering in a ball but wanting more. They should make you want to start your own kind of riot. Their music is there to bring out all the fight in you. It makes you feel 60 feet tall. Powerful and untouchable. It makes me so sad and fucking angry when people say “Oh the Spice Girls were an important band..etc.” That just pisses me off. There is NO depth to their music. Nothing. There is NOTHING empowering about them, nothing at all. It ballsed up music greatly. If you want a girl band (but please don’t define them by gender) that can truly inspire people to pick up an instrument and start something that is so fucking needed- The Smears are right there. They pick up where the likes of Sleater-Kinney and Bratmobile left off.
If I was 14 years old and I heard The Smears every part of me would just bin everything off around me, start playing the guitar and maintain the teenage angst in my bones and turn it into something truly powerful. That’s all you can do. Rage should NEVER consume you. I believe that anything and everything can be morphed into a form of art. If you’re sad; turn it into a poem. If you’re happy; turn it into a self-portrait.
Get riled up and let it all out. Scream, shout, bleed, cry, fight,fuck, believe, whisper; just do something. Music should make you feel like you can do anything. It should give you the self-belief that carries you through. Although at times it is so much easier to just be full of self-doubt. Trust me, I know. I know what it’s like to feel like you are not good enough to do anything, To not be good enough for another. But the truth is, we are ALL good enough. Other people are just cowards. Music should be the backbone to all you feel. That’s why I love The Smears.
The Smears go beyond being a band. Just by listening to them you can tell they have a gang mentality. It is the three of them against EVERYONE. You can either get behind them, or get the fuck out of the way. I suggest you do the former. It is safer, a lot safer. They are loud and you cannot control them. The music is bold and in your face. They have the raw vibe of Hole’s Pretty On The Inside (their best record.) No other band has really captured that feeling. I am not comparing them to Hole, I’m just saying they capture that atmosphere. The Smears are just phenomenal.
Thrive off proving people wrong and do something from the heart. That is pretty much what I get from listening to The Smears. I got that from them when I first heard them, and I still get it now. When a band can hold your attention like this; you must never let it go. Ever.
Maybe I haven’t said enough about The Smears but I think it is fairly obvious that I love them.
Life can be a form of torture, life can be a piece of heaven. God days, bad days. One second can make you hopeless or hopeful. One person can become your world. One person can ruin your world. Lean on music, and you’ll be fine. Personal opinion. I can be wrong, I can be right. There’s freedom, you just have to find it. I don’t know how you go about this; maybe it just hits you. You can be free whilst sitting alone. You can be free just wandering along the beach. Don’t sacrifice yourself for something that may not last. Sin and do not apologise. Do bad things; do good things. Be the shit on someone’s shoe. Be an angel to the one you love. Listen to Tropic Of Cancer.
Tropic Of Cancer make robotic and eerie sounds for those who aren’t afraid to be scared and feel emotions that are regarded as “dark.” You should never shy away from ugly feelings because when they return; they return with a sick vengeance. It’s better to face something daunting straight away than letting it consume you. But, it depends on the person you are. Some can deal, some card. There’s no right or wrong.
LA has done it again with giving us something truly incredible. Tropic Of Cancer are ethereal with a slight hint of menace to the music. It is everything I love about music. I love music that scares me in some ways, I’m strange like that. I’ll never be able to explain it. I never want to try. It can all be summed up in the music.
I want to write more than this about Tropic Of Cancer because everything about them is what music needs. You don’t always get what you want, and you sometimes ignore what you need. But you need Tropic Of Cancer in your life, so don’t ignore it. It wouldn’t be right.
A moody atmosphere takes over as you listen to Tropic Of Cancer, it’s probably why I love them so much. The fact that it is just one person making this astounding music is also mind-blowing. Camella is a genius. She truly, truly is. If you are wanting music that is created from the depths of the soul and touches every part of you like some kind of outer-body experience then Tropic Of Cancer are for you. Make them yours.
Beat In My Bones. 