Tag Archives: Garbage

“And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God. And I’d get Him to swap our places….”

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As you know, I’m not exactly articulate or clever with my words. I don’t try to be, I wouldn’t know how. I know that my biggest problem is that I write from the heart and possibly with too much feeling. I guess it’s because the music I love is like that. If I don’t write this way, then there’s really no point. I suppose that is why I know I will never ever be paid to do this for a living. That being a Music Writer is just some childhood dream that has followed me into adulthood- but it just stays a dream. I’m just another twerp with a Journalism degree who’s trying to be heard (I don’t want to be seen.) But anyway, that isn’t about that right now. This is going to be another post with a lot of feeling. I have no idea why I’m even doing this. Maybe it’s beause I have a awful cold, and I’ve had too much cough medicine. You don’t have to read this. And why should you anyway.

I have no idea how to approach this at all. I never do. You see, I can pour everything I feel about a song or band so easily here. It seems to be the easiest thing in the world. Ask me to tell you how I feel about certain people or whatever- I seem to lose words and the ability to function. I guess it’s why I’m always writing something. Whether it be here, in my poetry notebook or my lyric notebook. I’m always writing something, about something- or someone. I’m not an emotionally challenged person. I just lose the ability to make sense a lot of the time. Nor do I need to be drunk to tell you that I love you, or to ask you for 10p. I’ll start this for real now.

Something happened very close to a year ago. Something which every single person on this planet fears. I’ve never spoken about in great detail with anyone. I didn’t see the need. I didn’t see why I should or why anyone would give a shit. I spoke about it with one friend. In fact, we both cried about it. This is why she’s my best friend and rock. She’s one of the very very few people who changed me for the better. She won’t see this, so there’s no point in me praising her too much 😉 Last year my mother flew over to England to tell me she had Breast Cancer. My reaction was typical. I cried like a fucking baby and clung onto her like an ape. I think my heart and world stopped. I wanted to swear, but I respect my mother too much to use the word FUCK in front of her. Buggery and twat is fine though. It was something I never ever imagined I would hear. It wasn’t something I ever thought about. How I felt from that moment from then on is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone- even someone I disliked. People say having your heartbroken by a lover is awful. Whatever. That’s nothing. This feeling is a trillion times worse. It makes the romantic kind of heartbreak seem like nothing. However, we’re all different and deal with life’s obstacles in different ways. If you’re anything like me, you do the whole “if I ignore it, it’ll go away but I know it will creep up and bite me in the arse.” Oh, and it did. It did.

I’m not writing this for anyone to think or feel, “You poor thing.” No. I’m doing this because I want to show how music, how a song can pull you through anything. Even something as horrific as this. My mum is one of the lucky ones. She is still here. However, when she tells me she’s in pain or doesn’t feel well- I panic so much internally. All I can do is offer a hug or a cup of tea. I know, I’m useless. When she was undergoing Radiotherapy she still managed to look amazing. I think she’s one of these people who cannot leave the house without make-up. She had her treatment in Sheffield, so I’d go up and see her a few times a week. She didn’t want me to go to the place where she was being treated, which I fully understood. Instead we’d wander around York, Manchester and Sheffield. I’d be lugged around clothes shops and in return, I’d make her go to record shops with me.

My mum is the most strongest and loving human beings I know. I saw how strong she was through all of this, and it just inspired me in ways that I didn’t know how. I never really sat down and spoke about this with her. I didn’t see how me talking about how I felt about her being ill would help. It wouldn’t rid her of cancer. It wouldn’t make this less real. My way was to just act like normal. In front of my friends, I would remain the joker doing my best to make them laugh- doing my best to make sure nobody ever caught onto how awful I felt. For a month or so, I just cried myself to sleep. There were times when leaving the house was seen as the most impossible thing ever. I just wanted to sleep, and when I woke up- I wanted none of this to have ever happened. I always thought, “Fucks sake Olivia. You have NO right to feel so bad. You’re not the one with cancer.” I told myself this all the time until I snapped out of it. I guess I had to trick myself into living again so I wouldn’t be a mess. Thing is, to everyone and anyone- I was totally fine. I was strong and together. I was told a few times that it was okay to break or whatever. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t physically go to a friend and just have an outburst. When my mum told me she was sick, I left her for an hour and I went to my best friend’s house. I sat on her bed. And just bawled. She did too. That was the first and last time I did that. I hate crying. It gives me a migraine.

I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me, or for anyone to praise me or anything. I’m doing this for one reason. I’m writing this to make someone else see that…it’s fucking okay to be a mess you know? Just because you reach rock bottom doesn’t mean you cannot get up again. Use Music as your fucking crutch. I did. Certain songs (which I will link you to in a bit) pulled me through. When I couldn’t sleep or when I didn’t feel too great- these songs gave me something. I’m not exactly the poster-child for bravery. I think the cowardly lion is possibly my spirit animal sometimes. I think I’ve got better. Who knows.

You’ve got to put your faith in something or someone. A place, a person or a sound. Just something. Give yourself to something. I don’t like bothering anyone with anything that gets to me. I’m more likely to just play a song I love to find comfort and answers. And so, that is exactly what I did. The songs I’m going to link you to ALL played an important role in making sure I didn’t become a selfish wanker wallowing in self pity. These songs stopped me from going under and into something shit.

My mum’s okay now. Well, mentally- she will always be tapped in the head. I think that’s genetic. I’ve got no fucking chance of being normal. Not that I’d ever want to be 😉 I remember when she was undergoing treatment she kept saying to me, “I don’t care if I’m on a fucking drip-we ARE going to see Morrissey.” And we did. Twice. I refuse to ever EVER go watch Morrissey live with anyone but my mum. I don’t care who you are- I can only go with her. When we saw him in York we stood for an hour at the end of the gig waiting for him to come out. He came out. As he got into his car, waved and nodded at us. For me, that was perfect. We’ve seen Morrissey 4 times, each time it just makes me feel so alive. However seeing him twice last year meant so much more, for the obvious reasons. It was just perfect.

I think I’ve written far too much. I’ll probably delete this because, when I re-read this I will see how much of an idiot I am. I’m sorry. If you’ve read this- thank you, and I’m sorry you put yourself through this. Anyway, go listen to these songs. They sum up what I’ve been trying to say better than I ever could, especially Kate Bush and Brand New. Running Up That Hill..the chorus just sums up everything I felt and feel. I would give anything to have swapped with my mum so she didn’t have to go through any of this :

“You can keep it pure on the inside. And you know what you believe to be right.”

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Have you ever been made to feel so small and worthless due to a comment someone made? Maybe they called you “fat.” Or maybe they called you “stupid.” Or they insulted you because of the colour of your skin or religion. You feel ashamed of who you are don’t you? You want to fight back, but that bit of fight you have in you just goes. It fails you because you have no idea what just happened.

Yesterday afternoon, I was waiting in line with my mum. In front of us were two young lads. Probably a few years younger than me, I’m 25 so they weren’t that young I suppose. Anyway, they weren’t exactly using the most eloquent language. I think they were probably part of that disgusting generation who think it is okay to use the word “gay” to describe something awful. So they were talking, and one of them looked at me. He then turned to his friend and said, “I fucking hate gay people. They’re all disgusting.” I didn’t say a word. I just felt any ounce of pride I had of being gay just die. It totally died. My mum’s face was filled with rage. I had to stop her from saying something, because if she started- she wouldn’t stop. Sometimes, I think she is more proud of me being gay than I am. I guess right now that isn’t hard. Thing is, I have walked around cities in England with friends (that are gay) and never once have any of us had shit said to us. Cities tend to be more open minded. Nobody really pays any attention to you. I currently (and hatefully) live on the Isle of Man- if anyone wants to take me away from here, please do. I’ll be forever in debt to you- I’ll pay you back with hugs, cups of tea and my friendship for as long as you want. I’ve been back here since the end of November. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable walking down the street- day or night. Headphones in, look at the ground as I walk. I’m 25 years old- I shouldn’t have to go back to hating who I am again.

So, what has this got to do with music? Well, I’m going to give you some songs that since yesterday have made me feel less shit about this. It hurts, of course it does. I wish I could shrug it off, like I usually do. You see, I can handle being called ugly or whatever- I won’t ever argue with that. But to call someone disgusting just because they happen to like people of the same sex in a romantic way? FUCK YOU. Seriously. What’s disgusting is your small minded minds. What’s disgusting is how you judge people. Never ever judge a person, ever. You do not know what they are going through. If that person is a “twat” maybe they have a reason for being like that. But seriously, to hate someone based on colour, religion, sexuality- ANYTHING. It is just vile.

I once thought Society was moving forward, but it is apparent that it is going backwards. It is going backwards quicker than anyone of us could imagine. There is no sense of unity and help anymore. More and more young people are taking their lives because they cannot deal with being gay or they bullied for being gay. I didn’t come out whilst at school because I know my life at school would’ve been worse than it was with bullying. I would’ve ended up being another statistic. We need to protect and provide comfort for those that are struggling. Being gay is NOT a bad thing. Do NOT disown your kids for being gay, do NOT taunt a kid because they are gay, and STOP making it okay to use the word gay to describe things that are bad. There are other words that you could use, by using the word gay- it just shows how uneducated and small minded you are. It has to end.

Living day to day is a challenge for most of us, we don’t need to be made to feel so worthless and ashamed for who we are by people who are evidently projecting. You cannot catch homosexuality. Stop being afraid. People are people. Be kind, and be gentle. We all go on about accepting ourselves and one another- but how can we when in the same breath, others are being out down by being true to who they are?

My mum told me, after I came out to her : “Always be true to yourself, and always be happy. Do not live a lie, because if you do that- then you’re not living.”

I don’t care if you are gay,straight, black,purple, orange, yellow, green, Muslism, Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Atheist, Sikh, Hindu- whatever. I do not care. If you’re a good person and true to yourself- then that is all that matters.

So, these are songs by artists that just mean a lot. Especially right now.

Finally, to quote Shirley Manson :

“I would say I’m pretty well at ease with my sexuality, but I’m an individual before I am a female.”

Garbage-Bleed Like Me.

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I haven’t missed out beautifulgarbage, I wrote about that a few months ago. I decided to go through all of Garbage’s album because they’re easily one of the most important bands to me. Probably THE most important band to me. For so many reasons. Reasons which I probably won’t ever be able to put into words, because I am utterly useless with words. Anyway.

I remember the day so clearly when I went to buy Bleed Like Me in April 2005. I was in College, and I decided I’d go to my morning lessons but come lunchtime-I would leave for the afternoon. The week before I had saved my lunch money up in order to buy this album. This album was much needed at that point in my life. I had to decide if I wanted to go to Uni or not (I did, thankfully) and what I was going to do with my life. I was approaching adulthood, dragging and digging my heels into the ground. I didn’t want this; but at the same time, I didn’t want to feel how I was feeling anymore. That year and a few before I was so unhappy. I’ll never know why (maybe I do, I don’t know) but it was awful. However, the torment was worth it. It builds you up and gives you a certain kind of strength that no other could ever give you. A sense of accomplishment. Like, “If I can live through this, I can live through anything.” It’s something I cling onto when I feel the need. Most of the time, I just let it sway and carry on.

So, that Monday lunchtime I took the bus from College to town. I went straight to the G section (I was going to say spot but thought better of it) of the records, and I picked it up. I picked up Bleed Like Me. I looked at it with longing, wanting eyes. I felt as if I was buying something so sacred. Something that would change something inside of me. It did. I paid for it, and hurried to the bus stop so I could get home and listen to the record. However, with such great things comes a setback. The bus stop before my house- my mum gets on. Panic takes over me, and I start to think of an excuse. I knew that if I spoke, word vomit would just occur. So I told her the truth. I told her I skipped my afternoon lessons because I had to buy the Garbage record, and I wanted to just spend the rest of the day listening to it. Her reply? She smiled, gave me a hug and said “That’s my girl.” I was never so proud to have been so honest with anyone. My mum understands how vital music is to me. It’s on a par with oxygen. Without it; I’m dead. I’m nothing.

I remember listening to it, and just feeling so much. The intro to Bad Boyfriend caused my head to spin. The guitar thrashed my skull. I felt every pounding of the drum in my heart. My attention was then drawn onto Run Baby Run and Right Between The Eyes. Those two songs were a lifeline for a long time when this album came out. They still are now. The words to both songs are something I hold so very dear to me. The way Shirl sings, “Stay alive, my love.” It just made me feel as if she was singing it to me. That I had to just stay alive, because it wasn’t going to be this dark and awful forever. This record wasn’t as vulnerable and painful as the previous three. This record felt like a healing process. As if someone was coming to terms with life, and starting to live. That’s how I felt then about the record, and it’s how I feel about it now still. It just feels like a weight being lifted off one’s shoulders listening to this record. It gives you a sense of strength. It pulls you through.

Bleed Like Me was probably the hardest song for me to listen to. When you can identify to some of the characters that Shirl sings about, it is quite hard to take in. You see yourself differently, and you become quite cautious of how others may see you. You felt alone before with how you felt about what you did/do- then you hear this song, and it makes you see that you are not alone. There’s others out there that are bleeding the same way as you. It makes you feel less ashamed living with it because someone else is your voice. Someone else, who has lived through it, has come through and is your beacon of hope. They have given you the strength that you never thought you had. You owe it to yourself to pull through, because others will let go of your hand when it gets rocky. “Try to comprehend, that which you’ll never comprehend.” No one else gets it, no matter how hard you try to explain- they just don’t get it. They label you all kinds of things. Things that aren’t true. But Garbage know the truth; they’re speaking it for you.

Happy Home breaks my heart. It feels like a huge realisation of something. You’re going to have to decide for yourself what this is though. I love the massive instrumental euphoric build-up within the last few minutes of the song. It makes you feel so alive, and close to something. Again, you’ll have to decide what exactly. This is another favourite of mine, especially lyrically.

It’s All Over But The Crying is probably my favourite off the record. It is so heartbreaking, and you will weep your heart out to it. When Shirl sings, “Everything you think you know, baby, is wrong.” Just instantly reaches you to the very core. Lyrically, it’s one of my favourite Garbage songs. The first verse contains a lyric, that I can hand on heart say, it is the lyric I identify so much with- especially from a Garbage song. It just made me, I have no idea. I guess it saved me. This record fucking saved me : “Certain things turn ugly when you think too hard. And nagging little thoughts change into things you can’t turn off.”  It is so true. It was apt in 2005, and I think it always will be. I use this line to make sure I don’t dwell on certain things. I don’t want nagging thoughts ruling my mind anymore. I use this line as a reminder. I feel as if I am in eternal debt to Shirl for this song. This record.

Metal Heart just oozes vulnerabilty, “I wish I was half as good as you think I am.” I challenge anyone to have never felt this way. I feel like it a lot of the time. I’m not afraid to admit it. Does that show strength? What does it make me? I have no idea. Maybe I have the answers buried deep down inside of me. I’m 25, I don’t need to know just yet. All I have to do is learn.

Sex Is Not The Enemy, Boys Wanna Fight, Why Don’t You Come Over are massive anthems for this record. They pour out a sense of FUCK YOU. I’VE GOT MY FREEDOM. You can’t take that from a person. You can trap their body all you want; but their mind is the thing you cannot tame or take from them. I adore every single record by Garbage, but this album for me, is like a huge release of everything negative. The healing and self acceptance started for me with this record. This record gave me the courage to go to Uni and do something for me. It gave me the chance to heal, be free and happy. I’d have been a confined mess if it wasn’t for this record. There are two lines from Right Between The Eyes that I always seem to have floating around my head :

“Why do you like to give them what they want, they like to watch you as you fall apart.” and “People kill to build you up, and they’ll stab you in the back like that.”

They’re just to simple lines that mean so much to me.

I cannot discuss this album without mentioning the lead single, Why Do You Love Me? The intro, the damn riff, the drums, the lyrics- EVERYTHING about this song made me so excited about their return in 2005. I was so so happy. This song is so fragile, and typically Garbage. The music and the lyrics are aggressive, frail and to the point. I love that Shirl has never sugarcoated her words. She hits you right in the gut. The first verse has some brilliant lyrics, ones that I have always found comforting and can stil relate to, and will probably always relate to: “I’ve done ugly things and I have made mistakes. And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines. I am rotten to my core if they’re to be believed.” There will never come a time where I don’t feel a connection to those lyrics.

Well, I think I have written more than enough about this life changing and remarkable record. We all have that one record that means more than the world to us. This record made you feel alive when you felt so fucking dead and numb inside. The record that saved your life in ways nothing or no one else could ever come close to doing. This record (I want you to think about this record, and I want you to shut the world off- and go listen to it. In the dark, with headphones in.) This record is your life. It was the reason you kept going. It still is. This record gives you a sense of peace, and comforts you more than anything else ever has. You’d give anything to tell those who made the record what it means to you, but you may not have any way of doing so. That’s okay; just keep playing the record, and STAY ALIVE.

Garbage-Garbage.

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You can always associate certain songs or albums with specific parts of your life. Good or bad; there is a song or album that you can associate with it.

For me, Garbage are the band that I can link to anything and everything in my life. It doesn’t matter what, I can probably find a Garbage song to tie in with however or whatever I am feeling at that time. Their ability as a band to just get to the very core of human nature and the feelings we feel has always amazed. The first song I heard by them was, I think, Vow. I know it was the first video I saw. This was then followed by Stupid Girl and Only Happy When It Rains. All three of these videos just cemented my immediate love and admiration for Shirley Manson. I’ve always (jokingly, to an extent) said she was the reason why I turned out to be gay. She was probably the first female I had an insane crush on. I was just in awe and in love with how strong she was. How she would word things, her mannerisms. Her accent. Just everything. I probably also wished to be as strong and fearless as her. I probably still do. She also made it okay to feel scared and vulnerable. All things that make us human, she made it okay for me to feel them and to feel that way. I was no longer afraid of what I was feeling. Any shame I felt faded in time as I took in every single word she sang.

Their debut album, at the time didn’t really have much meaning to me as I was only 9 years old. I didn’t know anything about anything. All I knew was that I loved music, Spiderman and football. I know my favourite artists at the time were Garbage, Aaliyah, The Cure and Kraftwerk. I was the only 9 year old at my school who could name all the members of The Cure and Garbage. I’m sure the rest of my class could’ve probably told you everything and anything about the Spice Girls…were they around in 95? I can’t remember. I wasn’t a fan, so I can’t tell you.

Only Happy When It Rains later became a song that I could highly relate to. I was only content when everything was shit, because it was the only way I could focus on anything. Thankfully, I grew out of that phase. I guess you can call that teenage angst with a large dose of frustration. I could tell you what I was frustrated towards; but let’s be honest here, you don’t need to know. Unless you’re a really really close friend or a potential partner- you don’t need to ever know. The song for me, just summed up how feeling so low about yourself and life can be the most challenging thing a person can go through. I’ve never had depression, just your standard self loathing. The way in which Shirley worded topics such as depression made you feel as if you were going through it. The best thing a song-writer can do is make the listener feel as if they are part of what they are singing. If you can feel as low as the singer, they have done their job. I adore the line, “You can keep me company as long as you don’t care.” When I hear this line, I always feel a smirk emerge across my face, I have no idea why. It just happens.

As Heaven Is Wide contains one of my favourite lyrics from the album, and quite possibly one of my favourite lyrics of all time : “If God’s my witness, then God must be blind.” What is it about this line that I obsessively dig? Well, I love how simple yet straight to the point it is. You see, I don’t really believe in God or any God. I’m more on the Spiritual side. So, how can God be your witness if He maybe, doesn’t exist? If He’s not there, He can’t see it. I’m not anit-Religion at all. We all need something to believe in. Music is my Religion. I just love the line. I regard Shirl as high as Patti Smith when it comes to her songwriting. Both has this haunting poetic ability with their words and phrases. It just leaves you in awe with how they word everything. You are sucked so deeply in their world because of what they say. You never want to leave at all. You’ve got songs such as Dog’s New Tricks which has one of the most honest and brutal lines I’ve ever heard, “You make me feel so worthless.” You know of someone who makes you feel that way, right?

I love the fragility on the song Milk. For me, this shows Shirl at her most vulnerable. It’s so pure and heartbreaking. “But I’d be love and sweetness, if I had you.” Show me a line that is more open and vulnerable than that. Can you? Maybe you can. That’s okay. The whole album seems to possibly be their most open. Maybe it is because its their first LP. Milk has always meant a lot to me. I know a lot of their songs do, but this one. I don’t know. I remember first hearing it and just feeling like I was in a trance, much like how A Stroke Of Luck makes me feel. Both songs just send you into some kind of whirlwind of uncertainty and comfort. You don’t know what you are feeling exactly; but you are comforted by the fact that someone else feels the same way too.

I cannot write about this album without mentioning two songs. Queer and Stupid Girl. Where do I start. When I heard Queer, I was instantly hypnotised by the intro. As soon as Shirley started singing, I felt this wave of security take over. Like, it was okay to feel strange or be strange. It’s not a song that I can relate to as much as the others, but it has always been a favourite. “You learn to love the pain you feel.” That’s one of the many lyrics by the band that has always stayed with me from the very first listen. It’s true. People become so transfixed with how awful they feel; they learn to love feeling bad. I don’t understand, but I’ve seen it happen.

Stupid Girl, everyone loves this song. Just like everyone can relate this song to someone they know. Everyone knows someone who is so fucking attention seeking and vile with their ways to get attention. Whether it is parading around as if the world owes them or putting up the most self-centered status up on a social networking site. We all know someone who we would gladly slap due to their horrific ways. Yet, they probably know that you can see through their act. You know that their ways are so stupid; and so do they. They just want the attention because they cannot live without it. I don’t understand people who want attention at all. Why would you want people to constantly notice you? No thanks. I’ll just stay in the background and watch it all happen. Take it in and be glad I’m not the one who’s showing off like a stroppy kid at a birthday party. I loved the video to this. I loved how raw but basic it was. “You pretend you’re anything, just to be adored.” Such a bloody good line. The whole song is just perfect from start to finish.

This was the record that made me realise that music HAD to be my life. It made me realise that this band were going to be the ones responsible for getting me through Hell and back for the rest of my life. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

Garbage-Version 2.0

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If I could convey my love for Garbage in an articulate manner, I would. But I can’t. I will never ever be able to fully express my love for them. They were the first band I remember being so obsessed and in love with. I remember first seeing the video to Vow and being in awe of Shirley Manson. I was only 9 or 10, but I knew I was watching something so powerful. I just knew that this band were going to be MY band. The band that started my obsession with music. The band that dragged me kicking and screaming through my teenage years.

Their second record, Version 2.0 is probably the one I hold the most emotional attachment to. It came out a few months before I entered Hell, which others may call, Secondary School. This record got me through the most awful days I could imagine. I don’t want to go into detail, but I know without this record I probably would’ve turned out worse. Or done a lot worse. I have no idea. I don’t need to think about it; I’m just glad I had this band as my only safety net.

As I’m a lot older now, I can listen to this record and appreciate it in a different way. Of course I still use the songs to pull me through when I just want to stay in bed and not be bothered by anything or anyone. I’ve always felt that Shrirley Manson was writing her songs about me. I guess we all feel like that when we feel so connected to a piece of music or a band. We feel as if they are spilling our hearts out for us because we really have no way of doing it ourselves. As I listen to songs such as Dumb, Medication and The Trick Is To Keep Breathing- it just makes me relieved that I didn’t fuck everything up completely for myself. That I used music (more importantly this record) to be the only positive thing that I could fall back on.

I will ALWAYS be able to relate Special to certain events, and certain people. We all know of someone that we used to think was so special and worthy of our love, and whatever else (I don’t mean in just a romantic sense.) But then you find out that they are just like everyone else. They lack an opinion; they follow everyone else because they have no identity. What use is that? What use is not having an opinion or just being different? I suppose people fear being true to themselves because they don’t want others to shun them. I’d rather be abandoned for staying true to myself than being appreciated by a bunch of false people with no heart. Special from the first time I heard it, immediately engraved itself upon my heart. I listen to it when certain things just make me dislike humans. It makes me see that I’m not the only one with these frustrations.

Garbage’s music always allowed me to feel comfortable with who I was/am. Like most people in the world, I’m not really a big fan of myself. I don’t mean this in a way that everyone hates me. I have no idea how anyone feels towards me. I mean it in a, like most people in the world, self-hate sometimes creeps up and causes a whirlwind of uncontrolable feelings. Obviously I’m better than I was. A whole lot better. It probably all came from accepting being gay and the like. That acceptance improved everything. There are good days, and there are bad days; like everyone else. It’s no big deal. Shirley’s words always made me feel less alone with any anger and fury I was feeling. Whether it be towards myself, or someone else. She made it okay. She still does.

What I love about Version 2.0 is that it seems more open than their debut album. Don’t get me wrong, I bloody love every single album of theirs. I’d never be able to pick a favourite without spending at least 5 hours thinking about it. It just seems impossible, but I guess I’d have to pick Version 2.0 due to it being more vulnerable and open. Songs like Medication just ooze so much despair; it just sounds like a huge plea for help. There was a time where listening to this song was just too much. There’s an acoustic version I once heard. It was enough to break one’s heart. Shirley’s voice just went tright through me. She just sound so hurt and as if she was begging to be helped. It made you want to reach out and help her. That’s the power and beauty of music.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing and You Look So Fine are two of my favourite Garbage songs. You Look So Fine is a song anyone can link to anyone they have liked; but they may/may not like you back. You see this person standing there right in your eyeshot. They may not be able to see you. You see them looking so beautiful. You want to give them something to show you want them. What’s the most prized thing you can give to another? Your heart, metaphorically of course. You want to take away their broken heart, and give them your own. That’s how much they mean to you. That’s how much you want them. Deny it all you want, but you know you’ve felt this way before. Maybe more times than you wish to remember. It’s okay. Just don’t give yourself to anyone. You have to be sure, always.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing is a song that just makes me feel as if Shirley is saying, ‘It’s okay. Keep breathing; it’ll all be okay.’ My feelings go deeper than that for this song but I have always struggled trying to word my feelings about this song. So, I guess I won’t even try. If I still can’t do it, I probably never will be able to. The opening verse always hits me right in the heart :

“She’s not the kind of girl,
Who likes to tell the world,
About the way she feels about herself.
She takes a little time,
In making up her mind.”

The songs on the album make you feel as if you’re not the only person to have experienced disappointment or that you’re not the only person that gets judged, or whatever. Songs like Dumb just show Shirl’s frustrations in, how a person tries to figure you out- they figure you out, and they probably wish they didn’t. It’s always the way. Some people- people cannot handle. Then they have no idea what they mean to someone nor do they know what they think. I suppose it is just human nature.

I adore the honesty on Wicked Ways. “Lord knows I tried to be good. I’d keep my promises, if only I could.” We’ve all felt that way. We are all capable of doing bad things. Some of us act on it, some of us don’t. Promises are probably made to be broken anyway. Why bother? Just keep trying. The way she sings about Religion in the Chorus, showing how people will cling onto some kind of figure to feel a sense of security. They want something to believe in so much, they are willing to pour hope into something they have never seen. Some may regard their lyrics to be controversial.

Personally, I feel their bold take on things is much needed. It was needed then, and it is needed now. I firmly believe that their new record will be just as bold, honest and pure. Every record they have put out is full of this; that’s why I love them. That’s why they changed and saved my life.

“Round my heart, and runnin’ round my brain.”

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I cannot stand songs that go on and on about being in love or how wonderful the world seems. I can’t relate to it, so I don’t really care for it. I love songs and artists that drag out the ugly, and dark feelings we are conditioned to ignore. The feelings we are told to never speak of. I love it when an artist has the guts to sing the songs that reach for your soul and just crush you. It crushes you in a way that leaves you crippled with so many painful feelings; you just don’t know what to do with them. I don’t mean songs about having your heart broken by someone. That isn’t the only bad feeling in the world. There is more to life than being in love and losing love. However, again; we are conditioned to seek love from another so we can justify our existence. Personally, it’s utter bollocks. You validate your existence in your own way. It doesn’t have to mean you have to be in love to do so.

Although I love songs that rake out the harsh and brutal feelings we are meant to push aside, this doesn’t mean I walk around hating life and everyone. I’m an average human being; nothing special. I hate no one, I hate nothing. I don’t have it in me to have that feeling at all. There’s good and bad in everything, and in everyone. I’m not someone who is against being in love; I’m sure it’s a delightful thing when it goes right. I just find the darker side, the things we are told to not go near much more interesting.

There is something romantic and comforting about hearing a song that just oozes pain and despair. Heroin by Velvet Underground is one of the most gut-wrenching and heart breaking songs ever written. It isn’t about a lover. It is fairly obvious what it is about. Every single time I listen to it, it just delves into a part of me; I cannot imagine a cheery song doing this to me. Don’t get me wrong, I do listen to a lot of music that someone could pass as “happy.” However, bands such as Velvet Underground make me happy because of what they mean to me. It doesn’t matter what song I play by them, it just  goes to a part of me that, although the lyrics can be quite sad- it still makes me happy. It makes me happy that I have a band like that in my life, that mean so much to me. The same can be applied to The Jesus And Mary Chain, Spiritualized and Townes Van Zandt.

One of the first songs I remember hearing by Spiritualized was Broken Heart. If anyone was to ever list the songs that could break a person in so many ways- this should be at the top. Jason Pierce has this way of projecting such frailness and vulnerability into his lyrics that make you connect so deeply with what he is saying. He takes you right down to rock bottom with him. Thing is, you don’t want to get back up from it. He was one of the first artists I really remember feeling this way about. Just instantly connecting with every word. Clinging onto it with all I had. Much like The Cure and of course, The Smiths. A band can really make you feel less alone when you think you’ve hit the lowest point. I guess sometimes, you can always go lower. If you’re scared of hitting it- you’ll probably get there quicker than you planned to. If you’re not scared, it’s up to you how you deal with it. Some things you can fight off and avoid. Some things just happened. You cannot plan a thing.

Townes Van Zandt (aside from Morrissey) is my favourite male solo artist of all time. What I loved (and still do) about his music was the honesty and how you could easily feel every single word he sung. You knew he meant every single word when he mentioned feeling so low. Songs such as Waiting Around To Die, Cocaine Blues just really made you feel for him. I will always stand by Waiting Around To Die as being one of my favourite songs of all time. I could listen to it over and over, and not get bored of hearing his breaking, powerful, trembling voice. He was well and truly the most underrated singer/song-writers of all time. If you want pain and aching lyrics- Townes Van Zandt is the one.

All these reasons I’ve mentioned (and more) are probably why I love The Drums so much. I love how they have such sadness surrounding their songs but it is disguised through the electrifying guitars and upbeat drums. Songs such as Book Of Stories, Best Friend, What You Were, I Felt Stupid are so heartbreaking- but so utterly perfect. You know, I don’t think I could look at someone who didn’t enjoy at least one song by The Drums. I remember first hearing them in early 2009 and, I felt how someone must have felt when they first heard The Beach Boys, The Ronnettes, The Smiths- it was so exciting, and so needed at the time. I do believe that if they ever called it quits- I would cry. Just like I did when The Long Blondes split up. When you feel such a strong connection to a band, they become your life. They say everything you cannot say. I love Marina And The Diamonds because she can write songs that make you feel less alone about having bad days and disliking yourself. She makes you feel okay about not being as strong as you think you should be. I love Florence + The Machine because Florence can express such dark feelings in a way that just blows me away and can make you feel less troubled about carrying around certain feelings that probably bug you a Hell of a lot.

You see dear reader, it is quite easy to tell a person something so positive and charming. Yet when you have to attempt to say something quite dark and hurtful about what is whirling on in your head- it can be quite daunting. There’s a song for every occasion. There’s a lyric to describe everything you feel- whether it is joyful or horrendous- someone has already said it for you. Someone has already felt that way and made it more eloquent than you could even try to do. This isn’t a bad thing. It’s bad enough feeling like shit, so when someone else can sum it up in a song for you- it takes the added pressure of expressing yourself off.

Just remember- it is okay to feel like shit. It is okay to be happy. Never feel bad for how you feel, whether it is good or bad. You cannot switch yourself off, but you can always, always-restart.

“I know it is wrong, but we just don’t belong.”

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Have you ever felt, although you are surrounded by people you know- and these people may or may not care about you, that you just do not belong? Do you have a place you feel happy and secure with calling “home”? Do you ever look at Society and just think you were born in the wrong era?  That your emotional attachment to it all is slowly fading. If so, I understand fully how you feel.

I’ve wandered through life not feeling part of anything. I’ve never made it my goal to make a difference in a person’s life- mainly because I know I never have, and I probably never will. I don’t mean it in a self-hating kind of way- far from it. You can feel you don’t belong but still maintain an ounce of self-worth. I feel like that most days. Anyway, I don’t need to go in depth with all of this. These are the songs that have stopped me from feeling like I have to be part of something, that I have to belong. We don’t have to. Create your own world.

“I wish that I was born a thousand years ago,I wish that I’d sail the darkened seas.”

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My days are currently spent working, reading X-Men and listening to more music than my ears can handle. Reading X-Men and Ted Hughes poetry makes me create my own little world. It’s always been this way, it always will be this way. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest- I’m content with being boring. Yesterday I found a market that sells records. Records are my weakness (as are other things but you don’t need to know.) I spent quite a bit, but the woman knocked off some money because I picked up a lot. I found two of my favourite songs of all time on vinyl: Black-It’s A Wonderful Life and The Jesus And Mary Chain-Some Candy. I had to be dragged away by my friend because I found a comics section too. I’ll return soon enough and spend more money that I don’t really have.

I should’ve done this last Wednesday but I was busy. By busy, I mean I was tired after work. So I’m doing it now. This mixtape is going to focus on some dark, heavy songs I have heard that mean the world to me. I love songs that make it painful for you to listen to because they go right through you with how dark, brutal and honest they are. Songs that make you feel less alone, but probably make someone else feel uncomfortable. That’s what music should do. It should challenge your feelings and scare you shitless. Enough ranting, have some songs:

 

Garbage- beautifulgarbage

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Nearly 10 years ago Garbage released their third album, beautifulgarbage. Many seem to have overlooked just how wonderful this album is. October 1st sees the 10 year anniversary of its release, so I’m getting in early (or late…depends on how you look at it) to explain why and how this is a remarkable album that you need in your collection.

 

I was about 8 or 9 when I first heard of Garbage. I remember seeing them on MTV in 1995 and just being in awe of the sound and I instantly fell in love with Shirley Manson. Maybe she’s the reason why I’m gay, or maybe it’s because my mum used to play kd lang around the house- so many reasons, none of which need discussing.

Anyway.

Garbage are one of the few bands I have been a fan with from the start. I grew up with them. I like to think I learnt a lot from Shirley’s lyrics. Songs such as Medication, You Look So Fine, The Trick Is To Keep Breathing, Metal Heart- well they mean the world to me, and I’m not entirely sure if I could even begin to explain how so.

 

Beautifulgarbage opens with Shut Your Mouth. The way Shirley sings here is pretty much like always, “I’ll act like I don’t give a fuck, but I fucking do.” And I think a lot of us live that way, feel that way towards people and their actions. There’s always going to be someone in our lives that we like to act like they do not matter to us anymore, that their actions and words are meaningless- but deep down, it’s the opposite. The feeling fades in time, trust me.

 

The album is full of heartbreaking songs which I feel paint the picture of a horrific break up, I know the vast majority of break ups are horrific but some can be liberating. Either way, someone always gets hurt. Not every song is about a break up here, obviously. Androgyny, So Like A Rose, Parade to name a few aren’t.

Nobody Loves You ends with one of the most gorgeous lines to have ever fallen from Shirley’s mouth, “Coughing up feeling just for you, to find something real to hold on to. But there is a hole inside my heart, where waves of my love come tumbling out.” This is so painfully accurate. I suppose we have all had someone we try to cling onto, and any gaps within ourselves we just urge some kind of feeling- whether it be love or just the ability to care, to just come out. You put all you have into feeling that maybe, you just don’t feel.
“You say that all the good is gone, that I have forgotten who I am. Free as a bird, wild as the wind. But somehow I cannot let you in.” You see that this person cares for you, but no way and no how- you cannot let them in. I guess some people cannot be let in. It happens to us all, no matter how strong you are.

 

So Like A Rose is euphoric. The build up in these 6 minutes is beautiful and hurtful. There is something about the ending of the song which makes you feel like you are floating through air. “Sleeping with ghosts, it’s such a lonely experience. The stars are out tonight, only they can hear you breathing.” The only comfort you have are ghosts (if you believe in them) and the stars. That’s all you have, but hearing it in this song makes you feel less alone.

 

If there’s one song by Garbage that is going to break your heart, then it’ll be Cup Of Coffee. It opens with such such gut wrenching line, “You tell me you don’t love me over a cup of coffee and I just have to look away.” This pretty much sets the tone for the whole song. Someone tells you it’s over, but the song isn’t about the break up, it’s about what you feel afterwards. The emptiness that this person has left you to feel, all alone. You walk the streets that you know they will walk on, you walk past their home- but you keep going because it hurts too much to stand and look.

“So no of course we can’t be friends, not while I still feel like this. I guess I always knew the score. This is where our story ends.”Then the person wants you to still be friends even though they’ve metaphorically ripped you apart. Friendship? No thanks love, move on. You always knew it would end, because most things do.

 

The album is full of insecurities and the like, which is probably why I hold this album so very close to me. Drive You Home projects these insecurities extremely well. “I got down on myself, working too hard. Driving myself to death, trying to beat out the faults in my head. What a mess I’ve made. Sure we all make mistakes. But they see me so large that they think I’m immune to the pain.” You work so hard and put as much of yourself you can into being better and to stop fucking up, but the truth is- you will fuck up. You’re human, it’s what you do. Yet, people perceive you to be someone who doesn’t feel the pain of mistakes, but you feel it. You feel it more than most. You just know how to hide. “I never said I was perfect, but I can drive you home.” You know you’re not perfect, but who is? But you know that you can make the one you love/care for feel safe, even if you are carrying a shitload of insecurities around with you.

 

The album is gloriously heartbreaking and you need it. It’s as important as Garbage, Version 2.0 and Bleed Like Me. I’ll never understand why beautifulgarbage was always overlooked. Maybe it’s not as raw as the first two albums, but to the true Garbage fan- it’s everything they want. Any album or single, any piece of music they get from Garbage is a blessing. Garbage are like The Smiths- to love them, you love them for life. You don’t just like the one song. You love everything they do. You love the B-Sides such as Trip My Wire and Soldier Through This. Everything they do is important to you. Their lyrics provide comfort on good and bad days. You’d be lost without this band. That’s what makes me love Garbage. They can say how I feel and think, because sometimes I don’t know how to, and that- that is what makes a band like Garbage standout from others. Everyone has a band like this, which means the universe to them.

Garbage

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I grew up listening to The Cure, The Smiths, Bob Dylan and Billie Holiday- my mum had/has amazing music taste. But, the first band I remember finding on my own was back in 1995. Garbage. I remember seeing Shirley Manson’s fiery red hair and pale skin and just being in awe. In awe of her beauty, her voice. In awe of Steve, Butch and Duke. This band became my life as I got older.

I was an awkward teenager. I was painfully shy and quiet. I’m an awkward adult. Garbage were my comfort blanket. Shirley Manson sang out my frustrations and all that was getting to me. She was and still is, my role model. I do go on about how I adore Morrissey. Shirley is my female Morrissey. I love them the same amount, and they have both saved me from what I wish to never feel again. Garbage will always be the band I can depend on to get me through shit. Just like Moz/The Smiths.

I couldn’t really pick one song in particular that’s my favourite. I love all of them equally. I wish I could see them live, that’s what I want from life. Guys, make this shit happen yeah? GOOD.

Here’s a few songs by Garbage that I adore, in no order :

Run Baby Run.

It’s All Over But The Crying.

Special.

The Trick Is To Keep Breathing.

You Look So Fine.

Right Between The Eyes.

Milk.

Nobody Loves You.

Also, beautifulgarbage is underrated.

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