“Dawn cracks the dark, And it breaks the silence. Of my waking hours, And my heartbeat’s license.”
I was walking home earlier, and for most of the journey I had one song on repeat. I do this a lot; find a song to love and just play it until my ears no longer wish to hear it. Of course when it comes to Dum Dum Girls (and others) there are songs of theirs I will never grow tired of. As I was walking, I had a thought; and this is where it gets dangerous. Stop reading.
I was listening to DDG’s cover of Trees And Flowers on repeat as I was walking home. I felt, even though Dee Dee didn’t write the song, she summed up every little thought floating around me- in head and heart. I walked and carried every single word. You see, I have this fear (you could call it me being stupid if you want) that I’m going to be one of these people who die having done nothing of worth. I know we create our own self-worth and shouldn’t let others define it, but there comes a time where people’s views on you just drains you. Their expectations crush you, and you want to remove yourself from them. 26 being treated like a 6-year-old. You build up resentment towards people. But you cannot express it, so you turn it into self-resentment. It’s easier to dislike yourself and beat yourself up than it is to let someone else do it. Thing is, people are cruel. To each other and to themselves. Not everyone is gentle and kind. Not everyone wants to be. I try, and one day I’ll grow tired of trying.
“For I hate the trees, And I hate the flowers. And I hate the buildings. And the way they tower over me. Can’t you see. I get so frightened, No one else seems frightened. Only me.”
I wish I could write as beautifully as this, but I just write honest nonsense that holds no worth. Or I just need to find something I’m good at. One day, one day. And typically so, it will be too late.
Trees And Flowers is a guide and a safety net. I have unspoken fear within me, and I’ll keep it unmentioned for I don’t think we should discuss our fears because people will use them against you. Sometimes they will be obvious with it, sometimes they will be subtle. Regardless of how they do it, they sure will. DDG’s version of this song adds a lot more loneliness and vulnerability to it compared to the original by Strawberry Switchblade. Dee Dee’s voice has never sounded so pure and vulnerable. If you’re going to cover a song, you should make it your own. Dee Dee goes beyond this. She makes you feel as if she wrote it, and she wanted to share this frightening feeling with whoever hears it, so they felt less alone with what they carry around with them.
Of course, I could be entirely wrong with all of this. Maybe I am. I don’t strive to ever be right and it doesn’t bother me admitting when I’m wrong. I worry when I’m right or if anyone should agree with me. A worrying thought for sure. I do constantly worry that my own (lack of) self-worth is going to do a lot more harm than it should, the only solution to it is out of my hands. In the space of 7 days I have sent out 50 job applications. I’m constantly being told I’m not trying hard enough or whatever. If I was violent, I’d probably punch them. But I cannot waste my strength on people who are a bit toss can I? No. I can’t. They just add to it. As do I. I’d go mental if I didn’t write, or go to the gym. It’s an outlet to frustrations out of my hands.
Trees And Flowers, as sad as some of the lyrics are, is a piece of hope. I’ll cling onto it, it’s all I can do.
Many have frequently stated that you must suffer for your art. I’m unsure how true this is, or if I even believe it. Surely if you are a good writer or painter, you can place yourself in various positions without having to hit rock bottom. You can empathise with those who are in a dark place rather than torturing yourself on a daily basis.
I write songs/poems. I personally think they are bloody awful. I don’t show them because I don’t want anyone to see how shit they are. However, I do have some stupid dream of having them published in a book one day. I haven’t done anything about it because the fear of rejection plagues me more than I want it to not because I am lazy. Some of what I have written is quite dark, but not because I feel so utterly hopeless and depressed. I know what depression. I’ve seen what it does to people, and I’ve never felt like that. People who say they are depressed but can still go out and function aren’t depressed. You cannot move, you cannot do a thing; that’s depression. My gran had it before I was born, and a bit when I was younger. Friends have battled with it, and there is nothing you can do but watch helplessly hoping one day it leaves them alone so they can go back to being the person they once were. You don’t need to be in love to write about love. Feelings of love and joy can fill you by watching a certain film, listening to a certain song or gazing at a piece of art. It is everywhere. Everything and nothing can be inspiring.
Being able to put yourself in the mind-set of others teaches you to be a more accepting and gentle person. I’ll happily be the first to admit that I am far too sensitive. I know I need to toughen up, but it just will not ever happen. I cannot be cruel to get something I want. I cannot harm someone on purpose; I’d rather just hug everyone instead. I’d like to think one day that being a gentle soul will go in my favour. Until then, I wait. Or just accept it. Same thing I suppose.
I’m drawn to the darker things. Dark songs, creepy literature. It is all fascinating. I’m not religious at all (I believe there’s a spiritual being above us all, but not in a powerful sense) but anything that questions God or whatever in songs really gets my attention. That’s why I love bands like Dum Dum Girls, Crocodiles and The Long Wives. There are religious references, but not in a “I BELIEVE IN GOD AND YOU MUST TOO” kind of way; far from it. I am all for people questioning each other in a non-threatening manner. I’m not religious but that doesn’t mean I’m going to belittle someone who does. We all have our own things to believe in; nobody should ever try to shy someone away from what they believe in. Unless it means promoting hatred and intolerance, then I’ve got an issue with it.
I honestly had no point in writing this. I never do. It’s a cheap outlet I suppose, as always. I just thin we need to stop thinking we must feel low and hopeless in order to achieve something great. You can function being a happy person. But it seems, when you are happy people have an issue with it. Yet when you feel like shit, people may deem you as being draining. You cannot win, so forget them. Yet I know it is hard. You do not need to suffer in order to do something of worth. You justify your own worth, not the objects and people that surround you.
With this being my 1000 post, I thought I should try write something of worth. Whether or not it is, well that’s a different subject entirely. It may make sense, it may just wind up being another nonsensical rant, which is usually is. I don’t need telling, I already know. As the end of 2012 approaches (or it may already have depending on your location) you see a lot of people taking to social networking sites declaring how the next year will be THEIR year or they are going to change. It irks me because, you can make whatever change you wish at any point. You announce these things but by the second week of January you hate yourself more than you ever did. Make life easier on yourself, and just carry on as normal. I say this, but I make life hard work for myself at times. It’s a fault, one of many.
I don’t like discussing my weight/how chubby I am because I’m not exactly a fan of myself. I could have easily been like most and said START OF THE YEAR I AM GETTING FIT. Over the past year and a half, I have been working on losing weight. It’s not easy. Fortunately, I really do enjoy going to the gym for a few hours and listening to music. I’d take a book with me but whilst on the treadmill I do look like a panic-stricken bear. When I go there, it doesn’t just get rid of my horrendous fat, but it clears the mind. I currently work at HMV, but it’s only a Christmas job. I love it. I bloody love it. For every grumpy customer, there is one that just makes your day. I’ve held up queues talking to people about bands, I’ve been hugged by customers because I helped them, I’ve had people sing to me then ask “do you have that one?” and the old favourite, “Excuse me..do you work here?” It is a brilliant job and those I’ve worked with are equally as brilliant. It was my third year there, and I think this year was my favourite. It just gives you a sense of pride and self-worth knowing you’ve helped someone. I must add, it is usually the older generation (60+) that are much kinder. Kids today are just rude really. Or maybe it’s the kids over here. I have no idea. Put down your iPads kids, and go take a walk. Use your mind. Come 5th January and I’ll be out of work, and on the Monday I’ll be taking that awful trip to the job centre to sign on. If you’ve never had your soul crushed and your dreams shat on; I suggest you go on the dole. If you want to be treated like dirt and have a wealth of self-hate upon you; go on the dole. My degree is useless, but I have no means of going back to uni. Of course in an ideal world I would have my own record shop, with a healthy selection of books. Later on I’d have my own publishing company. And finally, I’d be able to get a dog. These are hopes and dreams that maybe I’ll one day achieve.
We treat this time of year as a time of reflection. I don’t like thinking about the past, because it can sometimes make you debate what you want your future and present to be. Although, we cannot control the future. I firmly believe if something is going to happen, it will happen. I can relate this to the one I love. Many years ago, maybe something should have happened. Go forward five years and seeing her whilst in London during Pride (oh I know, but this one was alright so…) this year was truly the best thing to have happened. Part of my brain thought, “This could happen..somehow.” Every day since we have been talking, and FINALLY after waiting 5 years, this beautiful and perfect being is my girlfriend. I’m not a happy person naturally, but who is. But I finally know what sincere happiness and what true love is, thanks to her. It was always going to be her- and now it finally is. I’m working on trying to make her buy me a dog. Baby steps, I know. I know. It’s just lovely to be with someone who is full of love and kindness, and wants to change no part of me. Also means I get to spend more time in London too.
This year I have learnt that patience prevails. If you wait, it will happen. With reference to above, I can also link this in to music. Since 2009, I have been a huge fan of Crocodiles. They dragged me through a break-up, showed me a different (and better) world with their music and their lyrics claimed a part of my heart that needed claiming. I missed out on several tours, cue heartbreak and loathing wherever I was living at the time. 4th September they did a free gig at Rough Trade. Oh fate, how I love thee. I was already in London. I think I was staying for a week. I walked past Brandon and Charlie just outside Rough Trade. My stomach flipped. If I was 14 and mental, I may have chased them. Instead, I am a 26-year-old who gets tongue-tied most of the time. Their free gig at Rough Trade was a special moment for me. I paid no attention to anyone in the crowd. I don’t even think 100 hundred people were there. I sang to every song, I swayed and shut my eyes. I opened them, in awe and in shock of being right in front of the band that did more for me than they will ever know. Sadly, I was too much of a wuss to go up to them at the end and talk to them. Next time, I will. I vow to talk to them. About something, or nothing in particular.
My favourite music moment of this year has to be Dee Dee from Dum Dum Girls covering Just Like Honey by The Jesus And Mary Chain, just for me. Just for me. A nobody from nowhere. It started as a sweeping statement from myself on Twitter one evening. I was listening to Psychocandy, and just wrote on Twitter something like “Imagine if Dum Dum Girls covered Just Like Honey.” The next day I woke to a reply from Dee Dee telling me to email her. So I did. She replied telling me she would try to do a cover for me. A few months later, she emailed me the cover and wrote “For your ears only xx.” I do not think anyone in this world can understand what this meant to me, and still does. And yes, I did cry. I’ve been a fan for many years of Dum Dum Girls, and for this to happen just blew my mind. If I see them when they come to the UK, I just need to thank Dee Dee face to face for it. That’s all I can do. Their music has made certain events less shite, you know how it is. Coming Down is my go-to song. Rest Of Our Lives describes my love for the one I love. Season In Hell gives me hope and Catholicked brings me back to life.
This has gone on long. I think I’ve said too much, but I have more to say.
I’ve been freelancing for close to 7 years now, and I started this blog in 2008 as part of an Online Journalism module whilst at Uni. I think I was the only one in that class to keep up their blog. There have been times where I thought there was no point in writing. No point at all. There have been times where if, Writer’s Block was a person I would gladly thump it in the gut. But then I hear a song or find a new band, and my love is restarted and I cannot imagine me not writing. I just HAVE to do it. It keeps me going. I have never been paid to write. Never. No one has offered to do so. I’m not about money. I own nothing of worth. Material things mean nothing to me. My Docs have holes in them and I rip jeans more often than I should. I look like a 70s reject. I look like the lovechild of Joey Ramone and Patti Smith; if they ever had a child. I have had more job rejections than I can count, and each one is a kick in the gut. But a motivation to try harder. Although, I don’t know if I can try harder than I do. I’d love to write a book, but god knows what it would be about. Obviously music. I’ve always wanted to follow a band around and write a book about it (Royal Chant I am looking at you, and Warpaint.) The film, Almost Famous is to blame for that goal.
This year (and last) I’ve had many kind words said to me from bands, PR companies and record labels with regard to what I have written about them and their work. You cannot put a price on that. Of course I believe still, that the only person who reads this is my mum but hey. If you’ve got this far, then I’ll buy you a cup of tea one day. I’m easy to find, but please don’t look as you will be disappointed. This part is a thank you to all the bands that have got in touch with me, all the PR companies and record labels. You’ve made writing even more enjoyable. There are stand-out bands and labels I’d mention, but that wouldn’t be fair. You are all brilliant, so thank you.
I will always ALWAYS welcome new music from any genre, so please get in touch (olivia_cellamare@hotmail.co.uk) I don’t care if no one bar your mum knows you exist or if you’ve supported some household name on a lengthy tour. Music is music. Send it.
Don’t forget who you are, and do not let anyone tell you that you cannot do something. Or that your goals are stupid ideas. Freedom comes from the heart, goes up into the mind then is unleashed. Don’t make a prisoner out of yourself. It’s all okay. It’s going to be alright.
As if thinking of my favourite songs of the year didn’t hurt my head enough, I’m going through albums. This year I listened to less new music, mainly because my obsession for certain bands (that are either dead or split up) just came back. I may have missed out, I may not have. Who knows, why should you care. I do stand-by that EPs were better than full length records this year, but again; just my opinion. I found some obscure bands at 2am due to not being able to sleep, I also couldn’t get enough of Girls Aloud’s greatest hits (Something New is the best pop song of the year easily.) Some amazing debut albums came out this year from Emeli Sande to 2:54 to Willis Earl Beal. This year, in every sense has been alright. For me personally it picked up in July. Oh and when I saw Crocodiles FINALLY in September. Anyway. I’ve given myself a headache trying to think of my favourite albums of the year. My top 5 is a solid decision, but those before? I cannot put them in order. So what I’m going to do is be a boring twit and list the first 5 in no order. Then the 5 after will be in order. I’m making life hard for myself again, I know. It’s what I do. It is the only way I know how to function it seems.
Ellie Goulding-Halcyon.
The XX-Coexist.
Beach House-Bloom.
Cat Power-Sun.
Garbage-Not Your Kind Of People.
Spiritualized-Sweet Heart Sweet Light.
Willis Earl Beal-Acousmatic Sorcery.
Toy-Toy.
The Creeping Ivies-Stay Wild.
Bowl Cut-Anti-Everything EP.
Okay, I’ll stop listing records and write about my top 5.
5. Pop.1280- The Horror.Probably the most intense record released this year. It is dark, it is creepy and best of all; it is sinister. Everything cryptic you could feel is conjured up in this record. It’s not a record you play in the background whilst doing mundane tasks. No way. This is a record you play when you are alone. Do not listen to this when surrounded by anyone because they will just distract you from the music. The basslines and aggressive drums blow-up your eardrums and just freak you out. If this doesn’t move you in a menacing manner, then you’ve listened to it wrong. Simple as. I love The Horror because for me, it just has everything I love about music. I’m not a morbid person, I probably give off that vibe because I am prone to being grumpy (people need to stop being arses, that’s why. But I’m a bit shit so it all works out I guess) but this record takes you to a dark place in such a poetic manner. It’ll haunt you, but you don’t want it to leave you alone. Go with it.
4. Tamaryn-Tender New Signs.Every year a record comes out that makes you feel like you are living in a dream. It grabs your soul, and sways you. It is the much-needed hug at 3am when you cannot sleep and you miss the one you love because of distance. It is the comfort that you need when you feel hopeless. It is music for the soul, and it warms your bones. It owns a piece of your heart, and the ethereal vocals do something that just soothes you like no other. Tender New Signs was that record, for me. It is much like what The Fool by Warpaint was to me in 2010. It is on that level. So pure, and so divine. Tender New Signs is a dream that you cannot bring yourself to wake up from. Not many things in life are perfect, but this record is.
3. 2:54-2:54.The next three records are as follows: debut record of the year, EP of the year, favourite record of the year. 2:54 put out the best debut record of the year. Everything about it had that mind-blowing eerie vibe to it. Like you are being hunted down in a forest. Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t mind Colette or Hannah hunting you down would you. No, you wouldn’t. I just think they’re the best UK band around because they have something different to other bands. You can tell they are serious about the music, and play with such passion. I remember hearing the demo to Creeping in 2010 and just being hooked. I wanted more, but there wasn’t much around. I played it to death, and I’ve pretty much done the same with their record. Every song sends you into a trance that you never want to be shaken out of. I know I compare everything to Seventeen Seconds by The Cure, but I truly felt the same way listening to 2:54’s debut as I did when I first heard Seventeen Seconds years ago. Some people get excited about Christmas and such, I get excited over bands that make raw music like 2:54. If Sugar didn’t make you jolt your body, then something was up with you.
2. Dum Dum Girls-End Of Daze.EP OF THE YEAR. Anything DDG do just amazes me. Dee Dee’s songwriting on this EP just left me in awe. Season In Hell gave me hope, Mine Tonight broke my heart, I Got Nothing made me feel less alone and Lord Knows made me feel less shit about the bad in me. The cover of Trees And Flowers reduced me to tears (doesn’t take much, shut up.) End Of Daze feels like starting over. When you listen to End Of Daze, you feel as if you are being cleansed of all the bad that has gone on. Any bad you have done or any bad you have had done to you; it all fades as you listen to the glorious EP. I’ve taken walks listening to Dum Dum Girls, I’ve nearly broken gym equipment listening to them. I’ve found peace listening to them, in Dee Dee’s words. It is like finding a safety net, a cure for all. If you want hope and love, you will find it in a Dum Dum Girls song. Season In Hell is one of my favourite songs of the year because it just makes you feel like everything is worth it. When she sings, “Doesn’t the dawn look divine” it just lifts you up. End Of Daze is the purest healing process you will ever be exposed to. Be vulnerable, and take the words in.
1. Crocodiles-Endless Flowers.To hell with what anyone thinks, this is the best record of the year. You shouldn’t need telling why, but whatever. Maybe you do. Everything about Endless Flowers is wonderful. Summer Of Hate and Sleep Forever were quite brutal and raw. Endless Flowers is a gentle caress. No Black Clouds For Dee Dee is a gorgeous ode to Brandon’s wife (Dee Dee from Dum Dum Girls) and I think anyone who is in love will fully relate to the song. Everything about it is innocent and beautiful. Dark Alleys is my favourite. It’s over 5 minutes of euphoria. Seeing some of the songs from Endless Flowers, Summer Of Hate and Sleep Forever was truly one of the best things I experienced this year. Maybe it was because I had waited over 3 years for it. I guess I could class 2012 as just waiting things out, because the good finally happened. My girlfriend gave me a copy of Endless Flowers on vinyl as a Christmas present, and part of me doesn’t want to ever play it because I want it to stay as perfect as it is. Then the other part of me wants to hear it in all its fuzzy glory. I obviously will play it. Maybe I love the record even more now she bought me that, and it just reminds me of her. But it is truly my favourite record of the year because well, I just love Crocodiles. They’ve been a crutch over the past 3 and a bit years; Endless Flowers just reinforced my love for them. Not that it needed doing, but you get my point. I could go on forever about this record, but I’ve said enough. It’s my favourite, simple as.
Today was just another boring day. Then I came home from work and discovered that my favourites, Dee Dee (Dum Dum Girls) and Brandon’s(Crocodiles) single as Haunted Hearts was floating around on the internet. I’m having a moment listening to this. And by that I mean I am currently glad I am not deaf, or dead. This is truly brilliant. And I’m going to try tell you why.
It doesn’t take a genius to realise how important Dum Dum Girls and Crocodiles have been to me over the past few years. Crocodiles debut record dragged me through some shit times when it came out. Dum Dum Girls bring out the vulnerable side that isn’t so bad. Both bands have songs that ooze out any love and any frustrations you may carry around. When I hear No Black Clouds For Dee Dee I just automatically think of my girlfriend. When I hear Coming Down, I feel less shit about whatever I see. Although I’m 26, both bands are helping with the pain of growing up.
Brandon and Dee Dee are evidently the best couple in music. You don’t need to have a brain like Einstein to know how much they adore and love each other, just listen to their songs. So when they make music together, the love is still going to be there, right? Of course.
I cannot tell you enough how excited I am about them making music together as Haunted Hearts. I really can’t. Imagine if they toured together and brought it to the UK. I am writing that in the hopes they see this, and do it. It’d be like that time I saw Morrissey for the first time and felt life make sense for once.
Brandon’s vocals are caressed gently by Dee Dee, which are both hypnotically intertwined which just catapults you into a state of bliss, and of course ; love. The way they sing “tie me up” and “tie me down” is just so utterly divine.
There are so many things I could say about this song, but all you need to know for now is that it pours out the purest sense of devotion. Devotion in a way that most wouldn’t understand. Music is the foundation and glue to most of the best things in life. This is a beautiful moment in music, and I honestly cannot wait for the record. I think I’m going to just be a recluse for a while when it comes out. Just to deal with how beautiful it is going to be.
You’ve obviously heard Blank Girl by Dum Dum Girls and Brandon, right? It’s on the I Will Be record, and that again just shows how they make such beautiful music together. Not forgetting their Christmas song, Merry Christmas Baby (Please Don’t Die.)
The single is out on the 5th February on their label, Zoo Music. Which although is a bit after Valentine’s, would still make a good present (that’s a hint..a massive hint.)
I feel I should give you 5 reasons as to why this song is nothing short of perfection, so here it goes :
Their vocals together is like a dream. You know how some things in life are just meant to be? Well, that’s the case here. This had to happen, sure it took a while. But it’s happened. Proof that you’ve got to wait it out, and the good will come. So yeah, the vocals are stunning.
The guitar makes you feel like you’re on a trip. You’re floating off into the sun with the one you love with you and nothing really matters. And why should it, when you have the one you adore with you. It warms your bones.
You can keep hitting repeat and you find different things to fall in love with. I’m on my tenth listen I think. I don’t plan on stopping until it’s time to go to bed.
It’s an unconventional love song, and they are ALWAYS the best kind.
It makes you want to write your own masterpiece and dedicate it to the one you adore.
So there you have it. Another ramble as to why I love a song more than I love some things. I don’t care. This has brightened up my dull Monday. I know most are going to say this songs sounds a bit like The Jesus And Mary Chain, but to be honest it sounds like two people who are in love, making incredible music. And guess what? That’s exactly what it is!
You have good years and bad years with music, well life in general. Last year was alright but this year was pretty damn good. I bought more records this year than I did last year. I never have any money, but the money I do have spare goes on music. Rather on stuff I need. Such as clothes, as most of mine are a bit worn out. Or some new boots as my Docs are hanging on for dear life. They’ve been through a lot, but I think I can drag them through hell a bit longer.
This year for all reasons possible was rather good. Ignore all the crisis in the world and how society at times is fucked, then you’re okay. It’s been alright. And there have been some rather wonderful songs to go with it. Now, if this was a list of SONGS THAT MADE OLIVIA HAD A HERNIA WHEN PLAYED IN A VEHICLE, then Call Me Maybe would be my number 1 choice. Quite possibly one of the best pop songs to have been released in a long time. But did it come out last year? I’m not sure. But that song makes me happy, and I don’t even care. We’ve all made our own versions of it. Probably full of smut, but who cares.
So, here’s my list of songs that brought all kinds of joy and various emotions into my ears; and everywhere else. There are so many songs I know I have missed out, but I’ve got a really bad memory and I’ll want to change my mind after writing this. As always.
10. The Creeping Ivies- Ghost Train.Music should have elements that just freak you out. It should make you feel as if spirits are haunting you (I don’t mean a bad glass of whiskey.) It should fill you with sinister vibes that you just cannot shake, but the thing is- part of you doesn’t want to get rid of them. The haunting chills you get from Ghost Train are just stunning. My love for Becca and Duncan is ridiculous. They make me feel I am anywhere but in this time. That’s something that is entirely rare. I have woken up many a mornings where this song is in my head, and stays there for the duration of the day. That’s when I have my good days. The Creeping Ivies just make perfect eerie music that just reinforces my love for music.
9. Swim Deep-King City.I know I could have picked Honey, but King City mentions Jenny Lee Lindberg from Warpaint. That alone makes this song brilliant. It gives you a Summertime feeling, even if we are in the murky depths of November. I remember first hearing it and just being blown away. They have this gentle, euphoric tone to their music that just soothes you. It is like your being swayed. Your worries and troubles mean nothing when you listen to Swim Deep.
8. Jack White-Love Interruption.Anything Jack White does is just a piece of musical heaven. A stroke of genius. He has this way of creating something so insane yet pure. The lyrics to Love Interruption are mighty strange, yet you relate to them. You won’t let love corrupt you in any way, anymore. The music is so simple and stripped back but you can hear such frustration in his voice. A hint of longing just purifies the song. Ruby’s delicate and quivering vocals makes the song a lot more honest and vulnerable than it would be without. It’s just a gorgeous song that sums up everything love should be, and all you won’t let it be.
7. Ellie Goulding-Figure 8.This song pleasantly smacks you in the chops. I wanted to pick Only You, but that’s because I’m obsessed with the drums in it. A tribal feel to it, but I’ve gone with Figure 8 because there is something about this song that makes you feel a bit alive, yet sad at the same time. I think you can take the “And lovers hold on, to everything” in many ways I suppose. In a way, it is like Ellie is telling lovers to hold onto anything and everything. Or maybe she is saying lovers cling onto anything because they do not want to be without. Her second record is nothing like her debut, and that’s why I adore it and why I adore Ellie’s music. She still has such honesty to her songs, and the lyrics are darker; which is probably why I love them.
6. Beach House-New Year.Very nearly picked Wild, but I’ve gone with New Year because it means a lot to me. So does Myth. Myth just breaks my heart. New Year is 5 minutes of hope. In fact, the Bloom record is just a collection of songs that give you hope. It is like Victoria and Alex are giving you life lessons. Words to provide comfort and hope to those who listen. Everything about their music makes you feel as if they are cradling your soul. Soothing and swaying you as you face things you wish you could turn from. It is hard to turn away from some things and some people. Sometimes we can bring ourselves to do so; sometimes we can’t. I make life so difficult for myself (and probably others) but when I listen to Beach House, especially New Year, it is almost as if nothing really matters for that moment. New Year just makes you think about everything in a way you’ve never done before. It opens up your eyes and soul. It heals your heart.
5. Tamaryn-Heavenly Bodies.As Warpaint didn’t release anything this year, I’m declaring Tamaryn responsible for making the most ethereal song of the year, and the most tranquil record of the year also. Heavenly Bodies makes you feel as if you are drifting towards the most perfect and relaxed place possible. It makes you feel alive, even as your eyes become sleepy as you listen to this gorgeous song. You fall in love with everything surrounding it. You notice different layers to Heavenly Bodies as you listen to it through headphones. It is like a magical journey to something so divine as you listen to it. I adore the line, “She’s a fool but time is a thief.” I cannot explain why, but I just do. The song brings out a true sense of inner peace, and guides those gently, who feel slightly lost.
4. Crocodiles-Endless Flowers.The perfect opener to my favourite record of the year. I hold this song, this band and this record very dear to my heart. Their lyrics are romantic. Even when dark, they still have a romantic feel to it. No Black Clouds For Dee Dee is my favourite love song of the year. Yes, it reminds me of the one I love and adore. Endless Flowers is another song that gives you hope. I love the line, “I’ll bide my time swimming in your eyes, on some faraway screen.” It is easy to lose yourself in the one you love, and their eyes. Endless Flowers is a taste of devotion. A wonderful song that makes you wish you could create your own kind of ode to love.
3. Dum Dum Girls-Lord Knows.I’m going to try keep my ramble about this song as brief as I can. Lord Knows offers redemption and comfort in those who have hurt others. “I want to live a pure life” is such a vulnerable line. What I adore about Dee Dee is her vulnerable lyrics. She isn’t afraid to be so open with her words. That takes courage and strength that most shy away from. The intro to the song feels like the sun rising, giving you hope for another day. A chance to be better. The repetition of the chorus is like a chant, a mantra to stop you from hurting those you love. I love love love the line, ” ‘Cause every time you think of me, the black covers what might be.” Lord Knows offers so much solace, much like most of their songs. It is pure and truthful. It oozes out everything you wish you could. I guess next time you mess up, play this song. You’ll be alright. You always are.
2. The Long Wives-Judas Hex.I play this song nearly every day. I listen to The Long Wives a lot. Brandy’s voice is easily one of the best around. Discovering her music this year made everything a bit easier. We all have shit days, and how we get through them should make us tougher. I try to be tough, but I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t see it as a bad thing anymore. I’d rather be sure of how I feel rather than be emotionally numb. Judas Hex is so dark and simple. Just her voice and a guitar. Her voice is so so haunting. It isn’t overpowering at all. You don’t need a grand voice to be heard. Her voice is quietly powerful. I know it sounds like a contradiction, but she has something that no other will ever have. Or has ever had. Judas Hex evokes such devilish imagery in your mind, but they aren’t enough to scare you. You just embrace it, go with it. There’s no harm in it at all. Brandy’s voice lures you in, and once you are there- no part of you can leave. You just don’t want to. She is easily my favourite solo artist of the year. She’s just beautiful in all ways possible.
1. Saint Lou Lou-Maybe You.This song breaks my heart. This song makes me happy. This song is the best song of the year. It is gentle, it is delicate and utterly sad. I do like sad songs, but I don’t like obviously sad songs. Only when you pay close attention to the lyrics do you notice how heartbreaking this song is. What drew me in at first was the music. It felt like being on a bed of water, floating towards a state of bliss. Then I listened very closely to the lyrics and such sadness crept up on me. Since I first heard Maybe You, I have played it every day. I just have to always hear it. I have no idea what their record will sound life, but if it has the same elements as Maybe You (dreamy, blissed-out with shades of sadness) then they will probably become responsible for creating a sound that hasn’t been done before, and is of course, much-needed. I’ve mentioned before in previous posts the line I love the most in this song, but I adore “And if you’ve got an emptiness inside, you should let our worlds recollide.” The song offers reassurance and reconciliation. It’s just beautiful. There’s nothing else I can say about this song that I haven’t already said to anyone who may listen to me.
*I’d also like to add that Inhaler by Foals is bloody brilliant and I reckon their new record will be a massive highlight of 2013.
I know age isn’t important. I know it’s not a big deal, but when your 26th birthday is creeping up on you; you cannot help but think “what the hell have I done with my life?!” I know this will pass soon, and on my actual birthday I probably won’t even pay any attention to how old I am. I don’t look my age at all. I look like I probably should be in school. Youthful skin. Maybe that’s my Italian genes coming through. Or maybe it’s because I nap a lot. I have no idea. The key is to moisturise. Always. In the morning and before you go to bed. Look after your skin, and you too can look as if you should pay child’s fare on the bus. Skin tips from a scruffy bint. Enjoy.
Last year when I turned 25 I think I had a brief moment of “oh fuck I’m nearly 30 what have I done with my life?!” And I think it is going to happen again. I don’t know why because no part of me does things in the hopes of getting approval of anyone. I don’t wish for that ever. If that was the case; I’d just be like everyone else. I don’t make an effort to not be like anyone else. This is how I turned out. Whether or not its a good thing, well that’s undecided. Maybe as I get older I may tolerate myself a bit more. Maybe I’ll stop being cruel towards myself. However, if I get in first; it won’t matter so much when someone else does. But there are things others say/ do that probably hurt a bit more than if I was to pick up on it about myself. But, it isn’t worth the time. Not much is. Time. Time. Time. Ages us all, aches us all. Us.
I maintain an element of silliness to make sure I don’t age too much mentally. If I see someone trip up in the street (providing they are not bleeding to death or a pensioner) I’ll probably find it funny. I think most are like that. When you take everything too seriously, it all loses meaning. And we’re all trying to find meaning. Maybe we’ll never know. Maybe we do know, but still want to keep looking. The answers can come from looking outside or from your own reflection. Just depends on how deep you want to get.
So, as I approach 26 I do wonder if I’ve done anything of worth. I just don’t know. I really don’t. My life pretty much revolves around music and I guess I hold interviewing Warpaint as the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve met and spoken to some of my heroes; and they say you should never do that. But I know of many who have done so, and it being a pleasant experience. I fully endorse meeting those who have changed you and saved you. Sure it’s mainly to do with music for me, but there’s about 2 people who I class as friends that have also done this. So maybe interviewing Warpaint may only be the best thing I’ll ever do. I have no idea. Or maybe it was that time about a year ago when I showed Shirley Manson a piece I wrote about Bleed Like Me on her Facebook page, and she read it. Then told me it made her cry. How many people can say they’ve made their role model/idol cry? I’m still trying to work out if I’m proud of that or not. I’m not sure. I feel bad about it, but I’m glad she saw it.
This seems far too self-indulgent and no doubt I will dislike myself for writing this down. But it is better than a drunken outburst on a pavement with friends moaning about how I’ve done nothing with my life isn’t it. Some things you need to spare others from ever seeing.
It’s just an age. It means nothing. Those kinds of things do not define who we are. I’ve also finished watching all of The Wire again for the third time. Still kind of wish Jimmy McNulty was my best friend or something. And I’m going to always be pissed that they killed Bodie and Omar. That wasn’t right.
Anyway, have some songs; if you’ve got this far. Here’s to the bands/singers over the past (nearly) 26 years that have been my crutch and saviours.
Last night I went through all my stuff that I finally got out of storage. It had been in there for the past 11 months. It had been left in a place that I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to go to (it must be added that I personally don’t have one, but I’m sure there are enough that hate me.) It was a place that’ll drain your soul and probably catapult your self-hate to a whole new level. I mean sure where I am living now does just the same, but I can hide from it easily. Places that ruin you cause you to go in on yourself. They also cause you to loath the skin you are in; but what can you do about it? Whilst I was going through all my stuff; I found some books that I’ve put to one side that I just need to re-read again. I’ve got a few books that I can read over and over again, and every time I do I find something else to love about the author and the book. Anyway, amongst all my stuff was an old mobile phone. I charged the phone for a bit, and I switched it on. My gut was saying “Why are you doing this?!” Turns out my head did the same too. So, I went through old messages. That wasn’t a smart move. But something clicked. Maybe all the texts from certain people were a lie; but things are different now. Maybe I had more than than I do now. Or maybe what I have now is a billion times better than it was. Truth is- I have nothing. I really don’t. I don’t mean this in a “woe is me” kind of way. Far from it, I’m not that kind of person. Self-pity is one of the worst things in the world. I mean, I don’t really hold onto things. So I went through some messages and turned the phone off. Sure it made me sad for a few minutes but then I saw some messages on the phone I have now. You compare the two and what I have now is more believable. I don’t know what it is, I may never know- but it’s working. It’s fine. I may have nothing going for me in a “job” sense but I’ve got other things that you cannot put a price on.
I know I am far too sentimental and sensitive for my own good. I know I need to toughen up; but if I did, that’d mean I was going against all I am and all I stand for. I don’t stand for much. Just the basic rule of being gentle and kind. That’s all I’ve got, that’s all I am. I feel like a boomerang and I need a home. I need something permanent. I’m nearly 26; I just want to settle anywhere but here. The year is nearly done, and I’ve done nothing of worth. Maybe I can change that next year. I tried to change it this year, but I didn’t get very far. Some of us are meant to succeed, some of us just waste our time trying. I need to figure out what I’m doing, but I feel sometimes that it’s too late. Should I have gone to uni? Should I ever have started writing? Should I start again? I have no idea. The only thing you can do is carry on in the hopes a solid answer just smacks you in the face. The things I want to do are constantly being shunned and told “oh you’ll never do it, you can’t do that.” In my head I think, “Fuck you.” But I just lower my head and carry on. What else can you do? I was told recently by a stranger, “The bands you love, they all started out with nothing and now they’re something. Use that.” A total stranger believes in me. Strangers are kind; they’re not all bad. She also said I had “lost eyes” but I’m not sure what she meant by that.
So anyway, my point is- leave the past in the past. It is okay to have self-doubt. It is okay to not be your biggest fan. It is okay to have shit days; but don’t forget the good ones. It’s okay to walk away and leave things/people behind because they probably didn’t realise you had gone anyway. To hell with what anyone tells you; do what makes YOU happy and for shits sake- put YOURSELF first because no one else will. Let them say you’re selfish if they must, but they’ve got it wrong. Try a different point of you, and be kind.
I know the second I publish this I will want to change everything. I hate that I do this, but maybe I’ll write this and not look back on it. I hate looking back on anything I ever write because I always find fault. It is like looking in the mirror the second before you leave the house, and you think “I’m actually going to go outside with this face, and people will see…shit.” But, some things you have to do. Of course I don’t have to do this, but I want to. Mainly because I may be slightly bored. I don’t even know.
Lyrics are hugely important to me. I won’t care for a song unless I feel something for the lyrics. Lyrics can make you feel less alone, less shit and just give you comfort that you cannot get from a person. Yes it is all well and good knowing you are loved and can love; but at 4am when you’re alone and you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom- sometimes all you have is a song. You may turn on the radio and you catch a part of a song that just sums up how you feel. Or you may play your favourite song of all time to just get a piece of mind. So you can fall asleep without anything disturbing your mind.
There are so many songs I could have chosen for this. I know I have missed some out, and that alone pisses me off. I’ve limited myself to ten lyrics, but I know I could easily listen a lot more. These aren’t lyrics that I thought were clever or sounded good. They are lyrics that just mean a lot to me. Okay, so maybe the Swim Deep lyric I chose may not mean a lot- but the innocence behind it means a lot. Oh and they reference Warpaint so obviously I needed to mention it. One of my main issues was choosing which Dum Dum Girls lyric to use. Mine Tonight, Lord Knows and I Got Nothing have all got lyrics that mean a lot to me. All of End Of Daze is so pure and beautiful. But I went with Season In Hell because this specific line just grabbed me a bit more, I guess. I’m writing this listening to End Of Daze, and I’m close to changing my mind… I’ll try to refrain from doing so.
So, in order..here are my favourite lyrics of 2012 (I know it’s October but the world may end on 21st December so I’m just being prepared.)
10. Swim Deep-King City : “And fuck your romance. I wanna pretend that Jenny Lee Lindberg is my girlfriend.” When I sing this, I always change it to all members of Warpaint. Sometimes I just use Emily Kokal’s name instead. I remember hearing this song for the first time and just being utterly in awe of the dream-like atmosphere they create with their sound. They are truly one of the best bands to have come out of Birmingham in a bloody long time. If their debut record comes out next year, I reckon it’ll easily be one of the best things we hear.
9. Mystery Jets-Someone Purer : “I was gripped with a bit of fear. Worried the one thing that I loved back when I was just a kid, might now never be enough.” Radlands is one of the best records of the year, that is so obvious. The opening of Someone Purer is one of my favourites of the year. Blaine’s delicate voice makes you cling onto every single word right from the start. You tremble and identify with every word. We’re told that, as we get older we should be more sure of ourselves. Thing is, I think someone of us get older and become less sure of ourselves. It is seen as a bad thing, but I don’t believe it is. We’re all works in progress and you cannot progress if you think you are above change and being honest with yourself. You can adapt to your surroundings, but at some point you know you want to be more. You want to see more. Someone Purer echoes adult frustrations through child-like innocence. It is just beautiful.
8. Willis Earl Beal- Monotony : “Could it be malaise? Or am I depressed? Just a life-long phase. I am not indirect, don’t consider me blessed. But don’t consider me cursed, in this chaotic mess. I guess that it could be worse.” Willis Earl Beal is the year’s greatest solo male artist. Sure he’s been around quite some time now, but his debut record came out this year and when I listened to it, Monotony was the song that gripped itself around my heart and head. These lyrics alone just show the sheer genius of Willis. His music hits you right in the soul.
7. Saint Lou Lou-Maybe You : “And if you’ve got an emptiness inside, you should let our worlds recollide.” I’m fairly sure Maybe You is my favourite song of the year. All year I had been waiting for a song to have this hold on me. I have to listen to it about 20 times a day or I just feel a bit sad. The lyrics are quite sad, but the music is so soothing and gentle. Yet, when you truly listen to it- you feel your heart-break. I know nobody ever wants to feel sad. But the sadness you get from listening to Maybe You is the kind of sadness that can be created and cured by the same thing. Music does this a lot, it’s not a bad thing. Sometimes you just have to feel sad; to remind yourself. However, the song also offers some reassurance and any wrong that has been done to you doesn’t have to matter. One person will get you through, even if their eyes are sad.
6. Garbage-Beloved Freak : “People lie and people steal. They misinterpret how you feel. And so we doubt and we conceal.” Garbage are my life so whatever I say about this song, I have more than likely said about their songs a hundred times before. They’re one of the few bands that, when I mention them or if anyone mentions them to me, I just feel instantly better. Not Your Kind Of People was the only record this year that I had truly truly been waiting for. It was all I wanted, and had been wanting for so long. I guess this year everything I wanted/had waited for, had actually happened. Some are music based, but the most important thing wasn’t music based. But I’m not telling you. You don’t need to know. What I love about Garbage is how vulnerable Shirley’s lyrics are. One every record of theirs, they have at least 2 or 3 songs that just ooze vulnerability. Or songs that are for those who aren’t sure and a bit lost. Run Baby Run to Medication to The Trick Is To Keep Breathing to Tell Me Where It Hurts and all in-between. Beloved Freak made me bawl when I first heard it, and I still get teary-eyed when I play it. It is the perfect end to a wonderful record. It just makes you feel less horrendous and allows a small dose of self-acceptance to creep in. Something we all need.
5. Cat Power- Always On My Own : “I want to live my way of living.” Everything I just said above about Garbage, I feel about Cat Power. Sun was another record I had been bursting to hear this year. Highly anticipated and greatly loved from the first listen. I cannot pick a favourite song off Sun, but I can easily pick my favourite lyric. This line is just so utterly perfect and so fucking true. When you have to change your way of living because of your surroundings, it gets you down. It breaks you and ruins you. Then you leave; and you’re happy. Then you come back, and you’re just a shell of who you are. Yet, the only good thing is that the ones you love don’t get to see that. Imagine if they saw you at your lowest. No thanks. Cat Power has always provided comfort for the soul. My love for You Are Free is insane. That record is like a guide for life. I guess most of her songs can be seen as that. I just love her so much.
4. Beach House-Myth : “Can’t keep hanging on to what is dead and gone. If you build yourself a myth, you’d know just what to give. Materialise, or let the ashes fly.” I remember where I was and the day when I first heard Myth. I needed it. I was just about to leave here to try start my life again somewhere else. My life consists of false starts; this eventually would turn into a massive false start, but I had to do it. I’ll probably keep doing it, and I may never get it right. Beach House are good for the soul. Beach House mend you. They put you back together again. They make every part of you feel warm and loved; even if you are without love. They make you feel as if you are in love, even if you’re not with anyone at all. The power in their music constantly leaves me in awe. So delicate and ethereal. For me, Myth is the process of letting go. Let go of the bad, and create something better. It may be make believe for others, but who cares? So long as you believe, nothing else matters. This specific part of the song just means the world to me. You know when something is so personal, no words can actually describe it and all it means to you? That’s how I feel about it, and how I feel about the vast majority of their songs.
3. Metric-Artificial Nocturne : “I’m just as fucked up as they say. I can’t fake the daytime. Found an entrance to escape into the dark. Got false lights for the sun. It’s an artificial nocturne; it’s an outsider’s escape for a broken heart.” Oh Emily Haines. How you manage to unleash a fraction of my thoughts in one verse. You’ve done it again. You always do it. This is another example of a perfect album opener. Hearing this was enough for me to know Synthetica was going to be an incredible record. I’m still going through my phase of playing this song about 5 times before I play the rest of the record. Artificial Nocturne just shows that Emily Haines is more than a song-writer. Her words are poetry. Her words are life, her life, your life, my life- everything. There is something so vital about this song. It provides a lifeline. It gives hope. It makes you feel as if she is projecting all your ugly feelings and making them into something beautiful. We all need that, sometimes we need it more times than we care to acknowledge.
2. Crocodiles- No Black Clouds For Dee Dee : “No more lost girls walking from you. No more sickness sleeping in you. No more fools spit judgements on you. No more dead birds raining on you.” Quite possibly the best love song of the year. Endless Flowers is probably my favourite full length record of the year. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love them. After FINALLY seeing them live this year, and this song too; my love for them just grew. I didn’t think it could, but it turns out after waiting over 3 years to see a band that mean more than the world to you, causes your love and admiration for them to just explode. I could pick any song off Endless Flowers, but I chose No Black Clouds For Dee Dee because it is such an honest yet simple love song. It just oozes devotion and the urge to look after the one you love. When you listen to this, you cannot help but think of the one you love. The keeper of your heart. Romance and love isn’t expensive gifts and pretentious prose. Romance and love is being totally honest and gentle actions. This song just portrays this in the most beautiful and open way possible. I love everything about this song.
1. Dum Dum Girls- Season In Hell : “A confession’s not a cure. There’s always darkness to endure, on the path to be redeemed.” At first I wanted to go with something from Lord Knows. Then I went to Mine Tonight. I decided on Season In Hell because I just really love this lyric. I cannot tell you how many times I have played End Of Daze since it came in the post last week. It’s on constant repeat. I play it EVERYWHERE. Season In Hell is just perfect. It makes you feel GOOD. The line I chose to use is so true, so apt. Dee Dee is one of my favourite song-writers easily. I personally feel she is my generation’s Patti Smith. Her words are so powerful, even when they seem quite frail and delicate. You take such strength from it because you know someone else has endured the same battle as you. I could quite happily write a thousand more words on this song, this lyric but you just have to listen to it, to fully understand how important it is. The whole song just lifts your spirits. Not everything stays shit forever. You won’t feel like this forever, because nothing in life is permanent. Not even life itself. I love the ending too, “Lift your gaze, it’s the end of daze.” It is just wonderful. There are so many words I could use to describe the lyric I chose, but none are good enough. All I know is that it is my favourite I’ve heard all year, pretty much speaks for itself really.
Have you got End Of Daze yet? You should. It’s the best EP you will hear all year. Okay, so after what seems like an eternity the video to Lord Knows is finally here.
Before I declare it as VIDEO OF THE YEAR (which it is) you must watch it with a clear mind. Maybe feeling a bit week and lost; because when the video has ended, you will feel complete again. This basically is what happens when you listen to Dum Dum Girls anyway. They give you everything you need, and much more in order for you to carry on. I know it is hard at times; I know more than I should. Lest we try to forget. Fight to forget it, and you end up wearing everyone else’s scars. What a bastard it is. But anyway, Lord Knows is like a call to change. To stop the hurt; to just be better. If this song was around a few years ago, I may not have been such a horrible person to a few. Maybe that all had to happen. I am without them, and I feel much better. Dum Dum Girls make it okay for you to have vulnerable and unsure feelings. The way Dee Dee writes is nothing short of great poetry. I’m talking the genius of Rimbaud. Mixed with the heart of Patti Smith and the soul of Lou Reed. She’s the Patti of my generation for sure. Don’t turn a blind eye, you’ll be missing out. You don’t want to miss out.
Lord Knows is dark and will ease you into self-discovery. If it doesn’t make you emotional then you are watching it wrong. The fragility of the video and song just hits you right in the gut. Christin Turner ( http://www.christinturner.com) has truly directed the best video of the year for sure. It is just 4 minutes and 19 seconds of pureness and honesty. The song and the video are nothing short of beautiful.
Beat In My Bones. 