“Dawn cracks the dark,
And it breaks the silence.
Of my waking hours,
And  my heartbeat’s license.”

I was walking home earlier, and for most of the journey I had one song on repeat. I do this a lot; find a song to love and just play it until my ears no longer wish to hear it. Of course when it comes to Dum Dum Girls (and others) there are songs of theirs I will never grow tired of. As I was walking, I had a thought; and this is where it gets dangerous. Stop reading.

I was listening to DDG’s cover of Trees And Flowers on repeat as I was walking home. I felt, even though Dee Dee didn’t write the song, she summed up every little thought floating around me- in head and heart. I walked and carried every single word. You see, I have this fear (you could call it me being stupid if you want) that I’m going to be one of these people who die having done nothing of worth. I know we create our own self-worth and shouldn’t let others define it, but there comes a time where people’s views on you just drains you. Their expectations crush you, and you want to remove yourself from them. 26 being treated like a 6-year-old. You build up resentment towards people. But you cannot express it, so you turn it into self-resentment. It’s easier to dislike yourself and beat yourself up than it is to let someone else do it. Thing is, people are cruel. To each other and to themselves. Not everyone is gentle and kind. Not everyone wants to be. I try, and one day I’ll grow tired of trying.

“For I hate the trees,
And I hate the flowers.
And I hate the buildings.
And the way they tower over me.
Can’t you see.
I get so frightened,
No one  else seems frightened.
Only me.”

I wish I could write as beautifully as this, but I just write honest nonsense that holds no worth. Or I just need to find something I’m good at. One day, one day. And typically so, it will be too late.

Trees And Flowers is a guide and a safety net. I have unspoken fear within me, and I’ll keep it unmentioned for I don’t think we should discuss our fears because people will use them against you. Sometimes they will be obvious with it, sometimes they will be subtle. Regardless of how they do it, they sure will. DDG’s version of this song adds a lot more loneliness and vulnerability to it compared to the original by Strawberry Switchblade. Dee Dee’s voice has never sounded so pure and vulnerable. If you’re going to cover a song, you should make it your own. Dee Dee goes beyond this. She makes you feel as if she wrote it, and she wanted to share this frightening feeling with whoever hears it, so they felt less alone with what they carry around with them.

Of course, I could be entirely wrong with all of this. Maybe I am. I don’t strive to ever be right and it doesn’t bother me admitting when I’m wrong. I worry when I’m right or if anyone should agree with me. A worrying thought for sure. I do constantly worry that my own (lack of) self-worth is going to do a lot more harm than it should, the only solution to it is out of my hands. In the space of 7 days I have sent out 50 job applications. I’m constantly being told I’m not trying hard enough or whatever. If I was violent, I’d probably punch them. But I cannot waste my strength on people who are a bit toss can I? No. I can’t. They just add to it. As do I. I’d go mental if I didn’t write, or go to the gym. It’s an outlet to frustrations out of my hands.

Trees And Flowers, as sad as some of the lyrics are, is a piece of hope. I’ll cling onto it, it’s all I can do.