“Monday – humiliation.
Tuesday – suffocation.
Wednesday – condescension.
Thursday – is pathetic.
By Friday life has killed me.”
I’ve had the lyrics to this song playing around my head since Sunday. No other song has remained in my head/thoughts aside from this song. I’ve taken to playing it on repeat to figure out what it is that has caused this. Aside from Morrissey pretty much being my idol, I don’t know if I have any other explanation.
I binned off the gym today and went for a long walk instead. I wanted to walk at a pace that meant I could listen to this song over and over, and think about all this song means to me rather than spending two hours sweating a lot and thinking, “WHY DID YOU LET YOURSELF GET SO FAT.” I’ll make up for it tomorrow.
So I walked and walked playing I Have Forgiven Jesus over and over. I thought about things I didn’t want to, so managed to get rid of them and focused on Morrissey’s lyrics and what they mean to me. We are born pure and free of all the bad things we expose ourselves to/are exposed to by others. We choose to be how we are at times. But other times, it just happens. When we have no say in how we are, it unleashes this unruly fury within and you try to blame something or someone. Blame religion, blame how society didn’t hand it to you, blame a parent for not being there. But you never want to take the blame yourself. I can take the blame myself, and others will give me the blame too. You learn to carry it, and you adapt to being a burden to most. Keep quiet. In my head I am tough, but the rest of me knows I am anything but. I Have Forgiven Jesus is a plea. “Why did stick me in self-deprecating bones and skin?” Of all the things I’ve ever wondered, that is top of my list. It’s easier to be rough on yourself isn’t it. Doesn’t get to you as much when someone else has a go.
For me, this song goes beyond being a comfort for teenage angst well once had. It becomes a crutch for the despair we sometimes feel as being an adult. I don’t know which is worse, but songs like this make it easier. If I was never introduced to Morrissey’s music (from a VERY young age) I don’t know if my passion for music and words would be as grand as they are. You can seek comfort and reasoning in many things. Mine will ALWAYS be in music, and more than likely- Morrissey’s music. I’ve written this for Morrissey fans for they will understand this more than most.
The way the world is, and how some are it is easy to fully understand Morrissey’s frustrations here : “And why did you give me so much love in a loveless world?” You can carry all the love in world within you, but when you have no way of letting it out, what does the love turn to? That’s your own call.
I’ve been fortunate enough to see Morrissey play my favourite songs live, or if you want to be totally honest; the songs that saved my life. I’ve seen Speedway live, I don’t think I can ever find the words to describe that moment. I know I’ll never witness I Have Forgiven Jesus live, and I don’t know how I’d cope with that. I’d probably try to get on stage with Morrissey and hug him. Then try to blurt out a “Thank you” amongst the tears I’d be trying (but failing) to fight off.
I do have an issue with organised religion, but I don’t think I need to vocalise it. Nobody needs to know, but it’ll obviously be because it’s to do with me being gay. I find it hard to believe in a god or follow a religion that opposes of love; regardless of who it is with. Love is love; and it isn’t your business who it is between. There’s so much hate in the world, why add to it by being a judgemental and unaccepting wanker? There’s just no need.
I could summed this all up in a sentence or two, but I suppose Morrissey just makes me want to write. Morrissey may have forgiven Jesus but I doubt I ever will. Or maybe it just doesn’t require any more thought. I remember going to Church when I was younger, and I always felt like I didn’t belong. I just don’t like walking round Churches or being in them. It always feels wrong to me. Of course I know it is important to believe in something, I’ll always take the Spiritual path. Always. It feels wrong to me because I have no connection to any religion. I’m not saying I’m an Atheist or anything like that. There’s something out there, of course there is. But who is to say what it is? None of us have died and come back to tell us what is there. These are the kind of thoughts that can take up far too much time when other things could take its place.
I could quite happily carry on writing about my love for this song but, enough is enough.