It is oh so easy to lose sight of who you are at times. All too often people try to meddle in your life, tell you what to do and what not to do. You wonder why. Why do your actions mean so much to them? Maybe they don’t, they’re just looking for something to control because they are at a loss themselves. You see, it is easy for people to drag up another person’s misfortunes and errors rather than facing their own. People always want to take the easy way out, people never want to try. People have the power to be so vile and cruel. People can break you. There’s sometimes comfort in sadness, but there’s also isolation. Fake a smile if you must. Cry on a shoulder if you can. There’s a song to find the beauty in the darkness we sometimes feel. The aftermath is sometimes bits and pieces of destruction. Smashed bottles, torn furniture, ripped clothes and a chipped tooth. Where were you? Who were you? The come down is a bitch. You don’t have to have taken a thing. This is misery from feeling good. You seek peace. Inner peace. Inhale. Exhale. Inner peace is all you want.
I had half an hour to myself today before I had to be somewhere. As I’m just a regular nobody with nothing going for them, all it was was a hair cut. I had half hour to kill, so I took a walk. I went to the beach/promenade thing I guess you call it. The waves were crashing onto rocks. Hardly anyone was around. A few old couples walking their dogs, but that’s it. Just me, the sea and music. As usual, I was listening to The Kills.
The Kills are a band that I’ve never associated with a person. I used to think it’d be cool to do so you know? Because at times their lyrics are quite brutal but passionate. Loving but full of revenge. The more I listen to them, the less I feel the desire to do this. I’m glad because I think if I ever did associate them with anyone I’d fall apart. Jamie and Alison are beyond words. So I stood staring out at the sea. Goodnight Bad Morning starts playing. Something came over me. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to smile or anything. I just felt something. I felt as if I was the last person left in the world. I felt alone, but in a good way. I felt a gush of inner peace take over me. The song has always meant a lot to me. It always felt like a come down from something good, but not in a way that makes you want to experience the good all over again. Instead, you take the good and put it in the back of your mind, locked in your heart- with all the other good memories. No one can take it from you. Nothing can change them. You have them. Locked.
“The speed’s working, I see it in everyone. Like a lost idea under lightbulb sun. Your eyes, ready for take off melt in your head. What a beautiful state we are in.”
This is a perfect example of how wonderful their lyrics are. This verse this morning created deeper meaning than previous listens had. Everything about the way this song is sung, especially this verse just makes you feel so at ease. I’m far too laid back for my own good at times. Or maybe I just hate admitting what bothers me, or when someone gets to me you know? I’d rather ignore it, go read a book and waste my thoughts on something worthwhile. Maybe it is a good way to live, maybe it isn’t. All I know that today for those minutes I played this song, I felt weightless and untouchable. Not in an immortal way. Just that nothing and no one for that moment I had created, could bother me.
“The jailers in my mind are all dead. I love you so much, never forget. All of our secrets are coming undone. What a beautiful state we are in.”
I love this part because I feel, out of all the songs by The Kills that have touched on romance and love- this one truly sums it up the best. Real love is forgetting all the bad and staying with the good. It doesn’t have to be the romantic side of love. It can be any kind. You can have the most tumultuous relationship with your closest chum, but you know how much you love each other- and that’s all that matters. Forget the outsiders, it is just you and them. However, when I was listening to this song this morning I didn’t feel that way. I was preoccupied with the wave of inner peace I was feeling. As I listen to it now, I understand the words even more.
Life is a pain, but life has some good moments. Goodnight Bad Morning emulates that perfectly. In order to have the good, you’ve got to take the bad. It doesn’t matter how long the bad ride is, the good will happen. I’m constantly told to “keep trying” and to “be positive.” I’ll level with you, it is fucking draining and I’m unsure of why I try. I get nowhere. I get nowhere fast. I’m a nobody like the rest of them, but my purpose isn’t to be anything wonderful or to be something I am not comfortable with. You create your own moments of happiness and inner peace. I had mine this morning at 11am whilst watching the sea listening to the band that mean more to me than I can ever put into words. I looked at birds flying past- they are free. I watched the waves crash. I watched the ripples in the sea. I didn’t feel so hopeless. Maybe I found the one thing in life at the moment that makes me feel alright.
To hell with what others tell you to do, and how you should be. Create your own moments. Go it alone if you must. If they judge it is because they cannot do it. I’m grateful (understatement for sure) to The Kills because every feeling I’ve ever known is in their songs; and this morning, I am sure that my love for them over the past 10 years grew dramatically. I get it now, I really do. You’ve got to do things your own way.
*I don’t expect any of this to make sense to anyone. I never do.