Brand New.

It all started by accident. It was 2001. I was a lost cause. That’s how I felt from my first day of high school until that day in 2006 when I started University. Some things just stay with you. Luckily, I destroyed it. Its ghost likes to haunt me sometimes, but I ignore it. My love for Brand New was by accident. I was listening to Morrissey, as usual and I saw something that said “bands influenced by Morrissey.” So my curious mind went with it. Some of the bands were truly awful. I have no idea what influenced them, but it sure as hell wasn’t Morrissey.

I clicked on a song to listen to. The title intrigued me because it just seemed a bit depressing. The No Seatbelt Song. The song broke my teenage heart. The song became a borderline obsession. I managed to drag myself away from it. Then I heard Seventy Times Seven. Every ounce of angst and rage I ever felt was being summed up in this song. Feeling so useless and disgusting never felt so fucking good. I’d play it all the time. It was like a prayer. It was everything I wanted to say but couldn’t say. Brand New say the things I could never say. Right now, I can relate to more of their songs than I could imagine. It just proves that they instantly became a highly influential band. Maybe not for you to start your own band, but for you to realise how you feel- and why you feel that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h30yHDU_muE

Your Favourite Weapon is poetic fury and pissed off feelings- your standard batch of teenage angst at its finest.

Then along came Déjà Entendu. This album is one of the few albums that I will always struggle to put into words, to just describe how it makes me feel. What it did for me, and what it still does. Jesse’s lyrics on this record are enough to make the strongest person in the world have a minor breakdown. I remember when I first heard The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot and just cried. If you’ve ever felt like you’re in the way of a person, a burden or just a waste of a person- you will feel this song. If someone has ever meant so much to you, but the words are forever lingering on your tongue- this song is for you. The last verse is love at its poetic best. The last line always gets to me, “You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.”  If you’ve ever loved, you will understand this line more than you wish to. This record is so pure and honest; if you don’t have it in you to love it- then you’ve probably never felt real human emotion. The first record just reeked of heartbreak and anger, but with Déjà Entendu it just pours out so much wisdom, and in a way-patience. Jesse’s lyrics on this album are vulnerable, and this vulnerability makes it so easy to relate to. When someone is that open with their music, you honestly cannot help but feel every single word. I bet you still play this record and scream along to every single word now as if it was written for you. There’s a part on this album, in a song that, for me always ALWAYS makes me want to weep out of sheer joy. Okay I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don’t is one of my favourite Brand New tracks, and it is one I have been listening to a lot at the moment. Recently I paid extremely close attention to when Jesse screams “This is the reason you fall.” The way he screams this line has lately made me really feel the song. Lyrically, it is one of my favourites. It is made up of lines that make you understand just how much Morrissey was and is an influence to him. As a huge Morrissey fan, I’ll admit I was reluctant those years ago to listen to Brand New. I just thought they’d be another rip off. Far from it. So far from it. You can see how they are influenced but by no means are they a carbon copy. I think this song also has one of my favourite lines ever in a song. A line that I have firmly related to since the very first time I heard it. You think when you hear something so long ago; it will gradually lose its meaning. Not always. If anything, the line means more to me now than it did when I first heard it. The specific line I am talking about is, of course “My tongue’s the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart.” One simple line just evokes so much truth.  Last year saw Guernica be far more apt to my life than I ever wanted it to. The line, “….remove whatever makes you hurt, but I am too weak to be your cure.” Just summed up everything. If someone so close to you becomes sick, you’ll fully understand. There was a time where listening to it became too much, I just couldn’t. But it gradually became my safety net, and comfort blanket. I could write about this album until my hands become numb from typing, but I’ve got to move on before I rant like I’ve never ranted before.

The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me; aside from being my favourite album title of all time, it is also my favourite Brand New record. This record came out when I was figuring out who and what I was- and more than likely, hating it. This record along with a few others eased the process of me becoming okay with who I was. I gave up trying to this record. I gave up trying to be what was expected of me to this record. I see this as a positive; I don’t know if others will. However, I’ve learnt to never care again what they or anyone thinks.

What I love about the third record is how painfully deep the lyrics are. Lyrics are a big deal for me. I can’t connect over a key change. I connect over a phrase- and how it is said. Every single song on The Devil And God…is so heartbreakingly easy to relate to. I don’t want to get too personal because you don’t need to hear it- and I honestly don’t know how I’d word it.

There’s certain lyrics on this record that just make me think, “Have you been living in my head?” As a 25 year old who is still trying to take in the universe, I can relate more to this record as I get older. I’ll never know enough, I will never learn enough- I may never be sure of many things. Records like this make being an adult less hard. They say being a teenager is chore- adulthood isn’t exactly a stroll in the park now is it. I’m not saying I hate it, far from it. I love getting older. You appreciate things more- twinges of understanding come through more. The song that I brutally identify with is Milestone. To be honest, I don’t get how you can listen to that song and not see yourself in it. There’s just certain lines that make me freeze with how in awe I am of the way Jesse writes, and how he can get to the very bone of how YOU feel- because it is how he feels. I find a lot of comfort in this record now, more than when I first heard it because I’m older- and he was of course older when he wrote it. It just goes back to the constant growing pains we face all the time. The line I think that really gets to me is “I used to pray like God was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together. Now they don’t talk, and we don’t go out.” If a person was to ask me what line from a song sums up anything and everything I feel, and have ever felt- it’d be that. Then you have a line from Degausser, “I can’t shake this little feeling. I never get anything right.”  You can shake off the self doubt you carry, but it has a tendency to leave an unwanted trace sometimes.

The songs are delicate, and as Jesse screams the words it is almost like he is screaming out your frustrations. He is your voice.

I’ll admit, I’ve not heard Daisy. I’m still stuck in awe with The Devil And God….I don’t think I am ready to hear it just yet. I know it’s been a while, but I don’t think I can listen to it just yet. Maybe it makes me a shit fan; I don’t know. I really don’t.

There is so much I could say about Brand New, but my love for them is private. I have a few bands that I hold like this. I have a few bands that I tend not to let me love for them shine out. Of course I have no problem with pouring out my love for Warpaint or Morrissey onto a page- but there is something about Brand New that I hold very dear to me. Maybe it’s because it is emotionally exhausting to write this way- but it is the only way I know how. I try hard to avoid being personal, and I know it is a horrific and shit way to write. I keep trying to stop, but I can’t. If you have no feeling about something, ignore it- I suppose. Brand New are the light at the end of that fucking tunnel that has fast become the bane of your life. Brand New are a crutch. They are the God to your Devil. They exorcise all the badness inside and make you feel human for feeling that way. Like I said before, they say the things you wish you could say. It makes you feel okay with it, because at least someone can get the words out. They get the words out better than you could’ve hoped for or ever imagined.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhcAjD9dpoc

“And if I only could, I’d make a deal with God. And I’d get Him to swap our places….”

As you know, I’m not exactly articulate or clever with my words. I don’t try to be, I wouldn’t know how. I know that my biggest problem is that I write from the heart and possibly with too much feeling. I guess it’s because the music I love is like that. If I don’t write this way, then there’s really no point. I suppose that is why I know I will never ever be paid to do this for a living. That being a Music Writer is just some childhood dream that has followed me into adulthood- but it just stays a dream. I’m just another twerp with a Journalism degree who’s trying to be heard (I don’t want to be seen.) But anyway, that isn’t about that right now. This is going to be another post with a lot of feeling. I have no idea why I’m even doing this. Maybe it’s beause I have a awful cold, and I’ve had too much cough medicine. You don’t have to read this. And why should you anyway.

I have no idea how to approach this at all. I never do. You see, I can pour everything I feel about a song or band so easily here. It seems to be the easiest thing in the world. Ask me to tell you how I feel about certain people or whatever- I seem to lose words and the ability to function. I guess it’s why I’m always writing something. Whether it be here, in my poetry notebook or my lyric notebook. I’m always writing something, about something- or someone. I’m not an emotionally challenged person. I just lose the ability to make sense a lot of the time. Nor do I need to be drunk to tell you that I love you, or to ask you for 10p. I’ll start this for real now.

Something happened very close to a year ago. Something which every single person on this planet fears. I’ve never spoken about in great detail with anyone. I didn’t see the need. I didn’t see why I should or why anyone would give a shit. I spoke about it with one friend. In fact, we both cried about it. This is why she’s my best friend and rock. She’s one of the very very few people who changed me for the better. She won’t see this, so there’s no point in me praising her too much 😉 Last year my mother flew over to England to tell me she had Breast Cancer. My reaction was typical. I cried like a fucking baby and clung onto her like an ape. I think my heart and world stopped. I wanted to swear, but I respect my mother too much to use the word FUCK in front of her. Buggery and twat is fine though. It was something I never ever imagined I would hear. It wasn’t something I ever thought about. How I felt from that moment from then on is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone- even someone I disliked. People say having your heartbroken by a lover is awful. Whatever. That’s nothing. This feeling is a trillion times worse. It makes the romantic kind of heartbreak seem like nothing. However, we’re all different and deal with life’s obstacles in different ways. If you’re anything like me, you do the whole “if I ignore it, it’ll go away but I know it will creep up and bite me in the arse.” Oh, and it did. It did.

I’m not writing this for anyone to think or feel, “You poor thing.” No. I’m doing this because I want to show how music, how a song can pull you through anything. Even something as horrific as this. My mum is one of the lucky ones. She is still here. However, when she tells me she’s in pain or doesn’t feel well- I panic so much internally. All I can do is offer a hug or a cup of tea. I know, I’m useless. When she was undergoing Radiotherapy she still managed to look amazing. I think she’s one of these people who cannot leave the house without make-up. She had her treatment in Sheffield, so I’d go up and see her a few times a week. She didn’t want me to go to the place where she was being treated, which I fully understood. Instead we’d wander around York, Manchester and Sheffield. I’d be lugged around clothes shops and in return, I’d make her go to record shops with me.

My mum is the most strongest and loving human beings I know. I saw how strong she was through all of this, and it just inspired me in ways that I didn’t know how. I never really sat down and spoke about this with her. I didn’t see how me talking about how I felt about her being ill would help. It wouldn’t rid her of cancer. It wouldn’t make this less real. My way was to just act like normal. In front of my friends, I would remain the joker doing my best to make them laugh- doing my best to make sure nobody ever caught onto how awful I felt. For a month or so, I just cried myself to sleep. There were times when leaving the house was seen as the most impossible thing ever. I just wanted to sleep, and when I woke up- I wanted none of this to have ever happened. I always thought, “Fucks sake Olivia. You have NO right to feel so bad. You’re not the one with cancer.” I told myself this all the time until I snapped out of it. I guess I had to trick myself into living again so I wouldn’t be a mess. Thing is, to everyone and anyone- I was totally fine. I was strong and together. I was told a few times that it was okay to break or whatever. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t physically go to a friend and just have an outburst. When my mum told me she was sick, I left her for an hour and I went to my best friend’s house. I sat on her bed. And just bawled. She did too. That was the first and last time I did that. I hate crying. It gives me a migraine.

I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me, or for anyone to praise me or anything. I’m doing this for one reason. I’m writing this to make someone else see that…it’s fucking okay to be a mess you know? Just because you reach rock bottom doesn’t mean you cannot get up again. Use Music as your fucking crutch. I did. Certain songs (which I will link you to in a bit) pulled me through. When I couldn’t sleep or when I didn’t feel too great- these songs gave me something. I’m not exactly the poster-child for bravery. I think the cowardly lion is possibly my spirit animal sometimes. I think I’ve got better. Who knows.

You’ve got to put your faith in something or someone. A place, a person or a sound. Just something. Give yourself to something. I don’t like bothering anyone with anything that gets to me. I’m more likely to just play a song I love to find comfort and answers. And so, that is exactly what I did. The songs I’m going to link you to ALL played an important role in making sure I didn’t become a selfish wanker wallowing in self pity. These songs stopped me from going under and into something shit.

My mum’s okay now. Well, mentally- she will always be tapped in the head. I think that’s genetic. I’ve got no fucking chance of being normal. Not that I’d ever want to be 😉 I remember when she was undergoing treatment she kept saying to me, “I don’t care if I’m on a fucking drip-we ARE going to see Morrissey.” And we did. Twice. I refuse to ever EVER go watch Morrissey live with anyone but my mum. I don’t care who you are- I can only go with her. When we saw him in York we stood for an hour at the end of the gig waiting for him to come out. He came out. As he got into his car, waved and nodded at us. For me, that was perfect. We’ve seen Morrissey 4 times, each time it just makes me feel so alive. However seeing him twice last year meant so much more, for the obvious reasons. It was just perfect.

I think I’ve written far too much. I’ll probably delete this because, when I re-read this I will see how much of an idiot I am. I’m sorry. If you’ve read this- thank you, and I’m sorry you put yourself through this. Anyway, go listen to these songs. They sum up what I’ve been trying to say better than I ever could, especially Kate Bush and Brand New. Running Up That Hill..the chorus just sums up everything I felt and feel. I would give anything to have swapped with my mum so she didn’t have to go through any of this :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMQbzLrvwlE

“I know it is wrong, but we just don’t belong.”

Have you ever felt, although you are surrounded by people you know- and these people may or may not care about you, that you just do not belong? Do you have a place you feel happy and secure with calling “home”? Do you ever look at Society and just think you were born in the wrong era?  That your emotional attachment to it all is slowly fading. If so, I understand fully how you feel.

I’ve wandered through life not feeling part of anything. I’ve never made it my goal to make a difference in a person’s life- mainly because I know I never have, and I probably never will. I don’t mean it in a self-hating kind of way- far from it. You can feel you don’t belong but still maintain an ounce of self-worth. I feel like that most days. Anyway, I don’t need to go in depth with all of this. These are the songs that have stopped me from feeling like I have to be part of something, that I have to belong. We don’t have to. Create your own world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_g0TpTmIIk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Dt1zWdmB4c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j6LsJt_8Yk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2Qb-mqVGwY