“I sat myself down, and shot my fear in the face.”
Good things come to those who wait. Bad things happen whilst you wait. You fall apart, but you pick yourself up by going back to the previous ones. The ones that saved you once before. But you’re looking for something else to pick you up. Not just to pick you up- but to keep you up. It’s alright to be weak, it’s alright to shake your head at all you see and want something more. It’s okay to have a breakdown every now and then. Tears do not mean defeat. Tears do not mean weakness. Waiting and waiting and waiting. You wait for everything. Anything. Just something. Cast a lifeline in the shape of a song. In the shape of a record by your favourite band.
Garbage have owned my heart since 1995. I honestly don’t know if I could give it to anyone but them. I don’t think any band have ever made me feel so okay with being who I am before. I’m going to be utterly personal with this, so if you want a standard album review- go elsewhere. I can’t remove myself from Garbage. You see, Garbage put their all into what they do- what kind of fan would I be if I didn’t put all I had into writing about this FUCKING INCREDIBLE RECORD?! I wouldn’t be a fan, really.
So here’s the thing. You probably know how much I love them. You know how Shirl read my piece on Bleed Like Me last year (if you ever want to see me smile like a mental person, bring that up.) As I write this, I’m listening to Control and I am fighting off tears. I don’t want to be crying over something so accurate. I don’t want to relate, but I do. And because I can relate, I believe again. Fucking hell Shirl, are you in my head again? Don’t ever leave. Just don’t.
I wish I could write this in a way that seemed eloquent and worthy of your time. But all I can do is just listen to this intensely and in awe of every member. I just have no idea what is going on inside, all I know is that I am hearing the songs that will mean as much to me as all previous songs have done. I feel as if my body is going to explode and my mind is heading that way too.
Okay so you’ve already heard Blood For Poppies and Battle In Me, and if you have your wits about you- you will know that they are perfect. They show Garbage at their most beautiful. I’m currently listening to Beloved Freak. It is doing to me what Run Baby Run, Right Between The Eyes, The Trick Is To Keep Breathing and So Like A Rose have all done. It is making me feel less alone with people a huge fuck up. It making me feel more human about my constant mistakes, that are dragged up. I try to bury them, well..don’t we all. Beloved Freak will probably be the new anthem for us Darklings. It is like Shirl is guiding us through hell, telling us all that it is going to be okay. She’s living proof that through all the self-destruction and self hate- you can become the person you were always meant to be. To call her my role model is an understatement. There is no word good enough to describe what her and her words have done for me.
I listen to this record, and I feel like I did when I first heard them in 1995. I was only 9 years old then, and it was at the time when my dad died. Garbage got me through. Since then they have been my constant beacon of hope. My solid way of dragging myself through life with a “Fuck you, I won’t give up” kind of outlook. But like anyone else, giving up does seem like an option. But when you hear all this fight in Shirl’s voice, it makes it impossible for you to even fathom the concept of throwing in the towel and going back into yourself.
What I love about Garbage is how aggressive and passionate they are. Their song, Special, to this day is so apt. I look at people I used to know and how they parade themselves about in such a pretentious way- what happened to you? You used to be one of the good ones. But it’s okay, at least I know Shirl has experienced that same level of disappointment. This mentality that Garbage have, and if you;re a Darkling you too have adapted this attitude, it gives you strength. For me, that’s what Not Your Kind Of People is all about. It is about developing a sense of self, overcoming, putting up a fight and never ever giving in. But surely, that’s what all their records are about? Of course. But there is something bolder about Not Your Kind Of People that makes you stand a bit taller with no doubt at all taking over. This record is going to give you everything you’ve been trying and fighting to find.
Sugar and Control I feel are going to be the songs I have on a constant loop. I used to be petrified that I could identify so much with their lyrics, but I then realised it was so far from being a bad thing. It is something I shouldn’t fear. Since falling in love with Garbage in 1995, I have played their music every single day. Even if it is just one song to make sure I get through the day, I still play their music. With their muchly anticipated album about to come out, knowing that this wait is over just means the world to me. Waiting this long for something is enough to drive a person crazy. But for Garbage, I will wait.
If I could thank Steve, Duke, Butch and Shirl for what they have done for me..not just with Not Your Kind Of People but since 1995 I truly would. I feel like their shittiest fan though, because I’m not going to see them on their tour in a few months. Not having any money is slowly pissing me off (alright it is quickly pissing me off!) I have every bit of faith that one day..one day I will get myself to a Garbage show and I will be singing until I feel like my throat is bleeding to the songs that saved my life, and give me life.