If I can make this make sense, then I’ve done what I needed to do. Otherwise, it’ll just be an emotional/passionate rant about my love for Self Esteem.

I’m 38 years old; I don’t queue to be at the front for bands anymore. I stand where I can, and hope I can see. Yesterday was different and a solid use of annual leave. We queued from about half 5, and there were 4 others in front of us. That bloody front row was happening. My knees are feeling it today.

If you’ve ever been to a Self Esteem show, you’ll probably think you know what to expect. I thought I did. I saw her two years ago with my mum at the Albert Hall and it’s still up there as one of the best gigs I’ve ever been to. However, this tour is something else. There’s more healing here, there’s more love, there’s more need to be heard and to be seen. There’s more of a community feel. It felt like everything slotting into place in a messed up world. For that hour and a half, the outside world didn’t matter. The safety you feel at a Self Esteem show is something else, and it’s a feeling most (unless you’re a hateful prick) deserve.

The set opens with I Do And I Don’t Care. Rebecca Lucy Taylor stands front, and center and I am trying not to cry. I’ve got this, I’ll be alright. Truth is, I didn’t have “it,” and I absolutely was not alright. The second everyone on stage sings, “If I’m so empowered, why am I such a coward?
If I’m so strong, why am I broken?” I absolutely go. I cry as if my cat Mary has run off and will never return. It all comes out. Surely, I won’t have anything else left for later on?

After the emotional ride of I Do And I Don’t Care, we go right into Mother followed by the healing Lies (part of me was clinging onto Nadine Shah coming out, but my heart is hoping it happens in Sheffield!) What has you hooked the whole time is not just Rebecca’s incredible stage presence and her ability to make you feel like you’re less alone with all you’re carrying but it’s her group on stage with her. That’s more than a group- it’s a family and the love they all have for each other truly shines. There is not one person on that stage that you cannot stop looking at and in being in awe of. The way they move, dance, sing and just pour their heart out on stage is divine. Everything is left on that stage. It’s healing. It’s home. It’s being free of every burden you carry.

69 live is wild. I can confirm hearing the line, “If you beg, I will peg” live is beautiful especially when everyone else is shouting this song as loudly as they can. It’s such a liberating song and my god the choreography for it is insane. During the whole set, it’s not just the vocals you are stunned by. It’s the movements on stage. It’s the way it has been produced. It is easily one of the best put together gig I’ve ever been to. It flowed so perfectly and ended all too soon. I want every night to be a Self Esteem show and to break my own heart to certain songs. It felt like home, and as someone who feels unsettled a lot- it was exactly what I needed.

Logic, Bitch! sees RLT use a banana as telephone and although the song is very vulnerable- adding this element to the performance makes you less inclined to cry like a baby (this is just my experience.) And also, it’s very practical as it means she has a little deserved snack break.

I genuinely thought The 345 was going to have me a crying mess again, but I did alright- was this progress? No, no it wasn’t. I think I cry the most during If Not Now, It’s Soon because there’s a line in the song that my Gran used to say, or very similar to one of her many sayings; “And whatever is right for you, will guide you through.” And it’s something I miss hearing her tell me but luckily my mum reinforces it. The iconic Julie Hesmondhalgh appeared for the song for Sunday’s show but for Night 1 and Night 3, we all just cheered as if she was there anyway. But imagine being there on Night 2 and Julie appears?! I’d have lost it.

It was also during this song that a lovely person stood behind me handed me a tissue because I was a mess. That person was an angel, and I hope she never has bad days and always knows joy. The tissue served me well!

Whatever I write about last night doesn’t do the show justice. RLT and her gang know how to put on a show, and everyone has their moment to truly shine. You can feel the love, respect, and devotion from the stage to the crowd. It’s in the beautiful and tender moments where the band hold each other after certain songs and it just makes you really appreciate everything and more that goes into these shows. The first run of these shows are done, and the tour picks up again on Friday. The last show will be in the finest city in the UK- Shefield at the Arena. And from seeing the show last night, it was destined to be on the biggest stage possible.

The encore consists of I Do This All The Time and Focus Is Power. I’ve said it many times before, but I Do This All The Time is healing in song form. I remember hearing it for the first time years ago, and I felt like I was 13 years old hearing The Trick Is To Keep Breathing by Garbage. For me, RLT is on the same level as Garbage for me. The words are a safety net when the world isn’t. The crowd was beautiful in every way, and every single word to every single song was sung back at RLT with such devotion and passion. I truly hope she knows how important her words are and how much of a difference she has. The way she gets right to your gut with her words is phenomenal, and we’ll never know anyone else quite like her.

Of course, the show ends with a conga line on stage to Shirley Bassey’s This Is My Life, and it will never ever get old. As the band leave the stage, and the lights come up- the Academy is still full of people dancing like the last ones at a wedding without a care in the world and that pretty much sums up the joy you get from a Self Esteem show.

Last night was all I needed and more from a show. Maybe I’ll cry less at the Sheffield show or at least bring tissues this time! If you’re looking for a space to feel safe and to truly be part of something inclusive- go to a Self Esteem show. It just sums up all the good in world.

One final thing, Self Esteem are fundraising for two very important charities on the tour :  Schools Consent Project – JustGiving and Choose Love please donate if you can.